From the other side

It has been a while since the last post.  A lot has happened in the meantime.  This post is from the other side of the addiction, from the spouse of the addict. 

Life happens as it does without any regard to what you or your loved ones are going through.  Is this the same with addictions?  Does an addiction care if your spouse loses a parent?  Does it care if you grieve a lost dream?  Does it have any regard for your new job and schedule?  I would venture to say "no" on all counts, however, I believe addictions thrive on the opportunities that arise from things happening in our life.  Addictions thrive on our sense of being lost, our grief, our anger, and our hurt.  At times this seems like an endless battle.  Life happens.  Parents die, jobs are lost, schedules change, a diagnosis is made, friends move, season's change.  There is no escaping life so how can we lessen the opportunity or respond to the opportunity addictions have to thrive in our times of disappointment, grief and despair? 

I began reading a book today called "Shattered Dreams" by Dr. Larry Crab.   Utilizing the story of Naomi from the Book of Ruth in the bible, he outlines how our shattered dreams are really just pieces to a larger puzzle that depicts God's ultimate love for us.  Reading this book has triggered in me memories and reminders of how I've seen this addiction move in the life of my husband, and therefore, in mine. 

My husband's addiction thrives on his grief.  It's as if his addiction lurks in the corner's of his heart waiting for the next loss to occur so as to start spreading the lies and laying the foundation for stinking thinking.  We have had our fair share of shattered dreams.  Childhood sexual abuse, divorced parents, alcoholism, separation, divorce, miscarriages, death of a parent and friend- losses utilized by this addiction.  It occurred to me after reading this book how we percieve shattered dreams is a key to decreasing the opportunity addictions have to use them as a catalyst for acting out and growing. 

Our shattered dream is just a piece of a much larger puzzle we can not yet see (paraphrased from Dr. Larry Crabb).  So what if when we experience a loss we accepted it as this?  What if rather than being angry at God for taking something away from us, we allowed ourselves to be sad and had trust that our pain is part of a bigger story?  What if the sum of it's part are greater than the parts?  Would there be as much fixation on the "badness" of the loss?  Would we be able to forgo thinking and feeling as we must be bad if something bad happens to us?  Could we allow ourselves to see a loss as the opportunity for something greater, even if we'll never see it in our lifetime?  I believe we can, if we pray for God's help in doing this. Here's why I believe this:
          Life has not turned out how I planned it.  I'm not the lawyer for juveniles I wanted to be.  I am a caseworker that works one on one with kids and their families that are having struggles.  I didn't realize I wanted kids of my own until I became pregnant after being told I couldn't get pregnant on my own.  I would be open to adopting, but it is not possible to adopt a child into a recovering sex addicted home.  I wanted a Godly marriage.  I ended up divorced.  We got remarried and are now in a Godly marriage.  Life is not how I planned it.  On so many levels it is so much better than I thought it could be.  Dreams were shattered.  Puzzles were put together with the pieces.  Some pieces do not have homes yet- their puzzles haven't been revealed.  So we'll hold on to them and wait having faith God will fit them into place when the timing is right. It is hard to accept, but that timing may not even be on this earth.  It is in God's time, not mine.  That is having hope in God. That is taking the shattered pieces of my dreams and laying them at God's feet.  The biggest piece is whether we'll have children on this earth or if we'll be reunited with our children in heaven before us.  The other dreams are falling into place.  God has taken the shatteredness and just rearranged the pieces to paint a much larger, more fulfilling picture. 
       

Zealous

According to the dictionary the word zealous means; to be devoted, to actively pursue. We must have those attributes in our faith, our recovery, and our for doing our part in the world. We who are in recovery understand that through the grace of God we can have a meaningful life that Glorifies God and brings to us great joy and peace we have never known before. To maintain this new life we must be zealous which of course means; be devoted to it and actively pursue it.

The journey I have been on with these series of writings has dramatically changed my heart and mind. I truly believe this project has been a gift from God. Through this my passion for our Savior and redeemer has become very personal to me. Because of that I have stated some beliefs to people out loud that I normally wouldn't have a few years ago or even a few months ago for that matter. At one point I stood toe to toe with my employer defending Jesus and let it be known that what was being said was not ok. That my friends is God changing us from the inside out. I have also been blessed to be able to fight urges and old behaviors that take away from God, my recovery and would not honor my wife. Notice I said "fight urges" because they are still there. Thirty years of addiction does not go away overnight; but prayer, desire, hope and knowing deep inside God knows who I am helps me want to honor my chance I have been given to live a Godly purposeful life. It fuels my desire to honor Jesus and what He went through so guys like me who have sinned greatly and repeatedly can at one point return home despite what we have done through the honest act of repenting and believing.

That brings me to the body of this message and what we are now called to do with our chance and our new life in Christ. The scripture I am about to share will have many different meanings to many different different people as all of our circumstances are different. However, the one thing that is true in all of our lives with this scripture is we must not be ashamed of the one who saved us and gave us new life if we so seek it. God will help us fulfill this scripture in our lives through words, actions, and being living examples of change. It is possible as I have experienced these words in my own life and I am a better man for it.

1 Peter 3:13-18; Now who will want to harm if you are zealous to do good? But even if you suffer for what is right, God will reward you for it. So don't worry or be afraid of their threats. Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks you about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember it is better to suffer for doing good, if it is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong! Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but He died for you sinners to bring you safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the Spirit.

 How might this scripture apply to recovering sex addicts? As I said this will mean different things to different people, as all our experiences our different. But an example of how this applies is in recovery they say that you must change your playground and playmates to avoid going back to the addictive lifestyle. Cutting off relationships to women we are having affairs with or some other relationship that fuels our addiction can really make some people angry. Therefore they may threaten to expose us and our habits. However, let me share one very important if not crucial fact with you. God does take anything bad and make it worse. In the end when it is all said and done it is always beneficial to us and those around us. To go back to the example of cutting off relationships the end result may be some truths get exposed, talked about and worked on and others can go on to relationships that are not as harmful to them and we can have relationships that aren't harmful to us. The road may get bumpy but God will help us through it. We then come out on the other side a better person for it because we had Christ as the Lord of our life and we no longer have to be ashamed and we have no secrets to keep us from moving forward. But again this is an example of applying this scripture the true application must come through guidance, support and prayer as God knows exactly what we need to do in our lives. If we believe and want redemption and salvation we are required to change and live a life which honors Christ and we are required to share the Gospel when asked how did you do it?

I truly wish all of us in recovery and those who have yet come to recovery and Christ could just be better and put this life behind us. The blood of Christ has washed away our sins and Heaven no longer remembers when we repent and become born again to Christ. That is Heaven though and we are human and humans remember and humans respond to the flesh because we live in the "world". But God gives us tools to help us live in the "word" as we live in the "world". The following are tools I have used to zealously pursue my recovery and my life with Christ, hopefully they help you: I listen only to Christian music because other music makes me think sexual thoughts when they sing about one night stands and the good times the bars and clubs offer, Christian music reminds me of my desires for Christ, helps me stay grounded and gives me hope; I try to watch TV that doesn't glorify sex or sexual dominance of others like crime shows, music videos, or reality TV; I try to read my bible as a reminder that I am working towards something bigger and better than I could ever imagine, it also helps me when I am really struggling to just pick it up and see there is a choice and that help is available; When I pass the pornography store I turn my head the other way as I go by; I pray through out the day for help or just to stay connected when I don't I feel disconnected from God and I just get irritable and I become more susceptible to temptation so prayer is important; I make my 12 step meetings every week to talk about what is going on and be reminded of where I am at, if I can't make them for some reason I do something to stay in touch; these are just some of things that work for me because I know those are things that I have to do.

Remember God did not put us on this Earth to be an addict, an addict is something we may have become but do not have resolve ourselves to being. He wants us to live and enjoy life, help others and be useful. He is a God that does not go back on His word and does not require things we are not capable of. His rewards for a Godly purposeful life are unending, and He will never leave you to bare your pain or joys alone. He is a God that loved us so much that He sacrificed His own Son so we could be with Him forever. That is a perfect love from a perfect God. Jesus took on all the pain, persecution, shame and embarrassment when He was put to death on the Cross for you and me. Anything we have to endure for following Him and giving our life to Him pales in comparison. We may feel like we have been to Hell but Jesus overcame it.

Zealously pursue your life with Christ and your recovery. Die to your old self and give birth to the person you want to be deep inside and the person God intended you to be. Be brought to life in the Spirit as the scripture says and you will know peace and purpose. My prayer for closing this series of writings of the A to Z of sexual addiction is humble and small compared to the promise that Jesus left us with in the book of Revelations.

Revelations 22:12-13; "Look, I am coming soon, bringing my reward with me to repay all people according to their deeds. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Begining and the End."

Your Story

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other sex addicts and practice these principles in our lives.

There are three parts to this step which are; spiritual awakening, carrying the message and practicing the principles in our lives. Let us take a look at each part so your story can have an impact on others. The reason for this is when others hear what you have been through they don't feel so alone and isolated in their own addiction. They may have many questions for you as you share your experience, strength and hope because they are piecing together answers for their life. There is nothing wrong with this because it shows a desire to get better and that is the only requirement for recovery. Telling your story of what happened, what it was like and what it is like now helps you see the insanity of your past. It also shows others new in recovery that through prayer, honesty, desire, and hard work that you have made great strides and that they can too.

Why tell your story? Why drag up all that stuff from the past? Because it happened that's why. If you have an old football story or some other sports story you tell it whenever you can. It is a way to show others what you have accomplished or you use it to inspire a young athlete to go after their dreams. If you have a story of heroism from a brave act in which you put it all on the line to help someone else you tell it. There are lots of different stories we tell of our lives for one reason or another, so why not tell this one? This story of your life contains the same attributes as a football story or act of heroism. This story tells how you recovered to inspire others to go after their dreams of a better life, and tells of the act of heroism you demonstrated by reaching in with the jaws of life and saving yourself, your family and your soul.  This story can be told to the right people at the right place and at the right time.

Be careful not to judge others lest we be judged ourselves. I am guilty of this, my thoughts have gone to why tell this guy my story? It can't help him because he is far worse off than me. Therefore I did not share with that person. He was a fellow sex addict that needed the message carried on to him. That man relapsed several times and I have lost contact with him. I still wonder if I would have shared more openly and honestly like I should have, where he would be? He just saw where I was at but I did not tell him I got there. Remember we are all the same we just chose different avenues to take to arrive at the same destination. Someone else may want to hear the route you took so they either avoid that street or decide to take it because it made more sense than the route they are on.

We who are in recovery need to help one another or this disease will continue to thrive in isolation. Now there are a couple of things to watch for in helping others and carrying the message. The first thing to watch for is taking care not to become triggered by closely working with another, it can happen. Carrying the message could also have just as strong of impact by passing the message along to another person better suited to handle that persons situation if you saw your own recovery in danger by this persons story. The second thing to watch for is not sounding sanctimonious, guilty of this one too, but I have learned people listened to a humbled heart more than a "loud mouth". You can not relate to a "loud mouth" because they are seemingly without failure and those people are intimidating. If you want your story to have any impact and carry the message to others, then remember one simple thing; we are all in need of help no more or no less, and no exceptions. Do not raise yourself higher and do not set yourself lower.

Before we get into what this step means entirely, I want to share scripture that supports sharing your story and helping others through the practice of the 12th step.

Galatians 6:1-5; If another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are Godly should humbly and gently help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other's burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.
Pay  careful attention to your own work, for then you will get satisfaction out of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.

Now lets tear into step 12 and see what this means to us:
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps: This means as a result of hitting bottom and acknowledging our need for God we started out on a spiritual journey. We first had to admit we were powerless and that no human power could relieve our addiction. Therefore, we came to believe that God was the answer and we turned our will and our lives over to Him. In doing so we had to had to let God run our lives and help us through the emotional pains we were experiencing, we had to take responsibility for our role in our addiction and we then saw where our character fell short of the Kingdom of God; and had to ask Him to make that change in us. Through prayer and patience we saw our lives change and were able to demonstrate to others that grace can and does happen.

We try to carry this message to other sex addicts: You will hear members often say, "helping you, helps me" so we share the story of our battle as well as the story of recovery. Our addiction now has become a teaching tool for newcomers so they can see parallels to their own lives. This helps them realize they are not alone and the problems they face are common to this addiction.  In this way we have become channels for healing as a direct result of our experiences in our sickness and in our recovery.

...and practice these principles in our lives: We have learned to live in a way that requires honesty, openness, sharing and taking responsibility for our actions. We carry these principles home to our own relationships and have a much more caring and intimate relationship with our spouses or significant others, our families, friends and our working relationships. We realize that we do not have to sexualize our world to make sense of it. Through these teachings we live in such a way that we never thought possible before. Living and loving better by example can change many peoples lives.

What is your story? What legacy will you leave? How will people remember you? It is in your hands, will you place it in God's? He can transform and change us from deep within and what we show the world is what He will want the world to see. Your story can't be told if you are the only one who hears it.

Father in Heaven, this addiction strengthens itself on shame and embarrassment so we ask that through your grace and love those barriers of silence be removed. In sharing our story we can become stronger by not having secrets steal our strength. We know that on this Earth we are part of a community of believers and non-believers each with their own views and opinions of how we should or shouldn't be and what we should or shouldn't have done. We pray to be able to  stand up and say to all who will listen "this is who I am, this is what I have done and through the Grace of God I can help you!". That would be an amazing accomplishment for ourselves, your Kingdom and would benefit those who need to hear it. We pray that you fill us with the Spirit as all is possible through you. Father we pray this in the name of your Son and our Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

X-Ray

If you have gotten from A to X then you have a pretty good understanding of what this addiction is and what it can do. You have been asked some pretty tough questions and heard some revealing facts about my life. Your faith has been put to the test as well as your beliefs about yourself and your relationship with God. Now we have to look at what all this means.

In an x-ray the primary goal is to look inside, deep inside, and see what is below the surface. I feel that we as a group know that our addiction is fed by weakness and/or the inability to properly deal with emotions of many sorts, insecurity about our own self worth and our worth to other people, we act out searching for love (real or imagined) just to feel normal if even just for a few minutes. So where does it all come from? Where did it all start? That is where looking deep inside comes from. We have to go back as far as we possibly can and try to figure out where it all started. For me I know the majority of the issues or even just the deciding factor started with my sexual molestation. Yet years of counseling tell me my disconnection started long before I was ever touched. The reason for that is children who grow up in alcoholic homes suffer trauma at early ages and they do not know how to process those feelings correctly. I guess for me I wanted what my friends had, I do remember actually comparing other families to ours when I was kid. I remember the envy at their family and the anger at mine, so searching for something I didn't have may have been a pattern laid into me at a very early age. I know my mom did the best she could with what she had available to her. I do not fault her for that. Mom loves her family and that will never change. But I know now as an adult that there was only so much she could do. The fact that her son was window shopping other families is something she could have not have known. Therefore I think that is where my draw to imagination and fantasy may have started. I imagined what my friends lives were like and what would it be like if I lived there? Now don't get me wrong I love my family very much but I was a kid, I had not even heard the word loyalty yet or even considered that Dad was sick with alcoholism and could get better (which he did, He is now 26 years sober and I am proud of him). But that is why I believe in my adult life I started fantasizing about relationships with other women when my marriage or dating relationship was not going the way I wanted it to.

Besides fantasy, childhood started some other lifetime patterns for me. Patterns like defining what kind of love I wanted, what people who love you would do, things that people who loved you wouldn't say. Things such as these are how I defined my adult relationships. Therefore, I set out to create the perfect relationship by piecing them together with various people. Whether they be real, in a video, or my mind I was getting the things that I felt were needed in my life. The end result was of course an addiction to sexual behavior that required more and more as time went along. Until I was using sex or addictive thinking for everyday life or solving life and relationship problems, even though it is never  the answer to any problem.

In retrospect I believe that time of childhood also created the jealousy issues I have. As I look back, window shopping families left me wanting something I couldn't have. I couldn't just move into their house and be part of their family so that left only fantasy. When things would get bad at my house with arguing, rules, fights or whatever I believe I would become jealous of those families because they were not experiencing the same thing. That jealousy turned to anger after the abuse because I became jealous of the other kids at school and in my neighborhood, because I was absolutely sure none of them ever experienced sexual abuse and I wanted what they had, Ignorance. I just wanted to be a kid like them. Which leads me right to the next level of jealousy, my adult life. Here jealousy takes a turn to possession. Follow me for a second on this, as I pieced together my relationships I had to protect what I had so I wouldn't lose any of it unless I chose to give it up. My jealousy of other men in relationship to the women in my life would get the best of me. Even if they were ex girlfriends that dumped me or if I changed my mind on ones I broke up with, I would stalk them to see if they were with another man and if I found cars parked in the driveway I wouldn't discern whether they were friend or family, they were always another man. Thus, I did some not so nice things in my earlier years. Stupid now as I look at it but jealousy was the controlling force at the time. As for the women that I was with, if I wasn't trying to talk them into having sex with other men, I didn't want them thinking about men or other men trying to get them. My wife can tell you of me holding her close with my arm around her stating non-verbally "SHE IS MINE" even though it was in situations like, "can I take your order?" or maybe it was an old friend of hers who was with their mate. I would even eye every guy we passed walking down the street to make sure that they were absolutely clear on "off the market". Oh yes I can be jealous and possesive at times. I have to think that childhood is where maybe jealousy initially got it's start and that I really need to look at appreciating what I have and not concentrate on what I don't. We all crave something more whether it be in relationships or not. It is when we become jealous of others having something we want that we can start the ball rolling to cover the hurt of not having it, trying to get it from others, or blaming and resenting the person you are with for being the reason we don't have something sexually, physically, emotionally, or relational. Watch where your jealousy takes you but more importantly find out where it is stemming from and talk to someone about that first, before you start acting on the feelings it creates.

Now let us look at my relationship with Christ, deep down. While I am doing that maybe you should examine yours. When I was kid Jesus was a picture in the dining room that was decorated with palms once a year around Easter. He was a guy I heard about in my church service, I knew He was supposed to be God's son and He hung on a cross. That is it. A relationship with Him or God never even occurred to me. I just knew I had to go to church and yeah for the most part I enjoyed it but I would forget it when it was over. It was Sunday too much fun stuff to do. As I got older I began to realize this guy Jesus and His father wanted a little more from me than I was willing to give. I heard how they take care of you and protect you, I began to question why I was not taken care of when I needed it? They asked sacrifice, I wanted all I could get. This was around age 9. I could not follow Him and do what He wanted, when I wanted what He told me I couldn't have to feel better. After some years until right around 1997 I didn't have any interest in a relationship with Christ because I didn't need one. Then an event happened that really made me question my existence as "nothing special" to God. I believe I was visited by an Angel, this story has only been uttered verbally to people a couple of times so here is its debut. I was driving a city bus in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul) and my route was route 21. Now keep in mind this a inner city route that goes through some very heavily populated and economical challenged areas where city transportation is their only means to get around. My story begins 20 minutes after my route began from downtown St.Paul I dropped off the passengers I had and approached a stop that connects two busy routes and fills the bus up usually. That was not the case this night, a Friday night of all nights, usually pretty busy. One man was waiting, he got on paid the fare and introduced himself as Aaron, I didn't give my name back just said "nice to meet you" as we were driving he began to speak and I felt this overwhelming urge to be honest with him about how I was really doing after he asked me about my wife, I was assuming he saw my wedding ring so I didn't think much of it. You see my first wife and I were in a separation, I had a mistress and I just felt horrible and dead inside. Aaron listened to my story and began to cry and said encouraging words of Christ to me. As he spoke those feelings inside melted away as I became mesmerized by the tone of his voice, the words he was saying and his appearance. He was about 6'4'' tall, he was Olive skinned and muscular, I began to wonder who is this guy? Now bear in mind he never knew my name because we didn't wear name tags and I never told him my wife's name. Yet he says to me with tears in eyes and leans over and puts a hand on my arm, "Jason, you and Jessie are going to be fine, you are going to be just fine, I know it." He then told me that this was his stop and I pulled over. I opened the doors, let him out, looked in my mirror to proceed back into traffic, then looked at my passenger mirror to watch him go. As quickly as I let him off he was gone.  There is no other way to explain him knowing Jessie and I's names. I never saw him before and never saw him again. The peace that he instilled in me and the fact that no other people rode that busy route for half an hour on a typically busy Friday night tells me that was something from God. The very next stop had two people waiting and the bus filled quickly after that. Prove to me different and I will believe you. That was my first spiritual acknowledgement of a need for Christ in my life and He has been talking to me ever since. At that point knowing a need for Him and not pursuing it created a definite denial of Him. Yet He never left and kept talking to me and talking to me and talking to me until I ruined my life completely and just said "Ok I hear you and I need you" it was then my counselor/friend helped me take that step to ask Christ into my life and for that I am truly grateful. My relationship with Him now is good, I ask for help, I am prayerful, thankful, needy of Him, and desire to do what I can to honor His sacrifice, appreciate His gifts to me and achieve a good finish with Him getting the glory. So what did Aaron mean when He said "Jessie and you will be fine, you will be just fine, I know it." ? I think this it. I am in a much better place and have rebuilt a marriage to my second wife, and started this little ministry and am overcoming different parts of my addiction and controlling a lot of the urges. As for Jessie, I am sure she is in a much better spot than she was. However, I had to want a relationship with Him and want change inside and have Him fill my heart deep inside. I had to choose Him and He graciously chose me. Where is your relationship with Christ at now? How bad do you want it? What changes inside are you prayerful about?

We have looked deep inside my childhood and how I responded to my life situations, we looked at my relationship with Christ and what He has done and how He loves me. Now you need God to help you take an x-ray of your life to help you move forward. He has the eyes that can see deep inside and guide you along and speak truths you will recognize. Ask Him to x-ray you and figure out where patterns may have started and help you recognize where your patterns changed. That way you have the information you need but most importantly the relationship you need. One with Christ.

Father in Heaven, you have eyes that see deep inside and a voice that speaks only truth. Satan speaks lies to make them sound like truth. We ask that through you thunderous voice we hear the truth about ourselves and our lives. Father help us take the time to learn from mistakes and slow down enough to respond appropriately to life situations. Change is possible through Jesus Christ and honesty with ourselves. We ask Father for your guidance and your love as we transition out of this addiction into recovery. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Wanting More

The world of addiction whether it be sex, drugs, alcohol or some other form of addiction can leave us feeling hopeless, helpless, cut off, shut out, disregarded, unwanted, unworthy of love, less than human, and spiritually sick. It sucks the life right out of us until we can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. It does not have to be this way. For those who find themselves in that situation this article is for you. Please read carefully, be prayerful, and know that no matter who you are, what you have done, or what you feel, God loves you and I am sure others do to. We can not give up hope for a better life. It is not impossible to achieve, I heard a line in a song once that said, impossible is a reason not to try. We need to understand that there is a better life just waiting to be had we just have to want more than what we have. Anything is better than an addictive lifestyle, it is not rocket science. But you need to know you are worth it and any other line of thinking is Satan running a head game on you, don't buy it. God did not put us on this Earth to be an addict and that's it. No He has so much more in mind for us. In this life we may have become a person with an addictive lifestyle but a lifestyle can be changed and people can be changed. Just don't give up hope or think you are not worthy of change. Once you do that then you do feel worthless and what is your incentive to try?

Let me share with you an example from my life. I cried out and felt at that hopeless stage. I had only two choices to make and that was it. Continue to be an addiction and all that goes with it, divorced, my life revolving around work, beer, porn and whatever cheap sex that might come my way; until one day I faded out of the world leaving only my family knowing that I was missing from it. Or stop and beg for help and want more for myself.  I knew I could be more, I knew I wanted more, I also knew it would take work once I asked for help and change from God. Guess what I chose? Oh c'mon guess? Yes I chose to become alive in Christ and my life has not been the same ever since. You can have this transformation as well. Just want it. Satan wants us desperate so he can offer us the temporary things to feel better. He wants to pleasure us first and devour us last. God wants to work through our hurts and our pains first so they are not holding us back and then offer us the peace that comes along with a Godly, purposeful, focus driven life.


God can change us, make us better people and help us recover from our addictive lifestyle. I also have more good news! Christ knew we were worth it long before we were even born. He worried about our addictive life and staying productive. He did not want us to give in to this and just become another addict that world forget abouts.

These are His words on that: Matthew 5:13; Jesus said, "You are the salt of the Earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless".

I am not a theologian but that scripture tells me do not lose your zest for life, be productive, active and part of the world. Salt adds flavor to various kinds of foods, in the same turn we can add our own flavor to this world.Want what God has store in store for us, want the dreams you had or have, want the family life,  but most importantly want to be the person you feel yourself to be inside and bring that person out. Introduce yourself to the world as a person in recovery, not the addict who the world can care less about. I can not tell you how many stories I have heard in the world of recovery of people that testify to feeling useful, feeling like they contribute, having a better marriage that comes along with the honest living, and being able to have an open relationship with God. People that once resided themselves to just giving up because they did not know how to change. They may have always wanted more or knew they could be more but just didn't know how. Well here is what helped me, a hearts desire to let God into my life; honesty with myself, my wife and my family; looking at what the addiction has taken; and just plain deciding this is nuts!

It is ok to want more out of your life and try to achieve it, take the word impossible out of your vocabulary because absolutely nothing is impossible for God. He created the universe and everything that is in it, I think He can help us put down the magazine, turn off the computer and stay at home with our spouse for once. Don't let your salt lose it's flavor. Do not become worthless, and do not believe the lies Satan is filling our heads with. So besides wanting more, how about having more (of the good stuff that is)?

Father in Heaven, today our prayer is to be all that we can be. We are not our addiction, you know our worth because you made us. To often we have given up hope or stopped trying because we did not know how to be different. Fill our hearts with answers, desires, questions, and honesty. Father we do want to be more and we know that you are the answer and the enemy is the problem. Today we give our addiction to you and we ask you fill us with a sense of worth. Others who have recovered before us tell us this is possible and now we want to experience this for ourselves. We know that only can help us live. In the precious name of Jesus Christ we pray. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Victimization

Caution: This article is harsh, to the point, and necessarily graphic in some cases. Our addiction is ugly and sometimes demands rigorous honesty to make an idea clear.

There is only way to start this article and that is with the "Golden Rule", Matthew 7:12; Jesus said, "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets".

If you think about the "Golden Rule" it is a very solid piece of advice, but then why would it not be? God Himself gave it. Despite this rule there are many victims to sexual addiction all over the world. We need to examine this rule in a fresh perspective and apply it to ourselves and our addiction. With that being said, there is two different ways we victimize; victimization of others and victimization's of ourselves. Let's take a look at both of those because we need to understand the effects of our addiction and how this rule applies to it.

First, let us look at ourselves. I know for a fact I have done to others what I would not like them to do to me. In the same token though I have done to myself what I would not want others to do to me. We use and abuse our own bodies as much, if not more, than we do other peoples bodies through excessive masturbation causing bleeding, sensitivity problems, and in some case having to surgically fix damage. We take drugs used to intensify sexual arousal or numb sensitivity for prolonged experiences but we wouldn't want other people making us take drugs. We allow people to use invasive sexual toys and suffocation techniques (sometimes by choice) because we need to feel loved and accepted by those we are with and we think that is the only way to get what we need, by letting them do those things. Even though by ourselves we would not.  We take our own money, by giving it to porn sites, strip clubs, prostitutes, adult book stores and more. Money that could have paid our bills, bought food, bought gas for our car, and even could have taken us on vacations. However, if anyone stole our money we would become angry, but we let those things steal our money willingly. We cheat ourselves out of what can be fulfilling by taking time from our families, forsaking relationships, turning down jobs that would interfere with the addiction, staying at home to look at porn instead of getting involved with outside things such as the park, a fair, a gathering, etc. In essence we kidnap ourselves from our family and community. We would not want others to lie to us but we lie to ourselves through rationalizations to help make the addiction and the acting out more bearable. We create more emotional turmoil in ourselves than we would tolerate any one person giving to us. We verbally and sometimes physically beat ourselves up over what this addiction has caused us to do although we would not others to emotionally or physically abuse us. Finally, we put our own souls at risk and steal our own faith by robbing our selves of a relationship with Christ because we find our selves too unforgivable, so we don't try to make that connection. Or we do not think Christ would be accepting of our lifestyle so selfishly we stay in this life and chose not to make a Christ connection because it would screw up the addiction. Either way keeps Christ in the back seat and sexual addiction in the front. So you see the "Golden Rule" if turned around for individual practice works too, Do not do to yourself that you would not want others to do to you. I am not re-writing the Golden Rule by any means, it just one addicts way of looking at it in a different light. Bottom line is if we would not want others victimizing us. stealing from us, lying to us and cheating us, than we need to stop doing that to ourselves.

We have seen the ways we victimize ourselves, so if we don't want others to do those things to us, then why do we do it to them? Because you can't see the forest through all those trees. Active addiction sets in motion a locomotive that wrecks anything in its path. In my active addiction I ran over a lot of people who were left standing there thinking "Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?" I made sure the plate was covered as best I could. I won't go into who, what or where in my victimization because we all have our own stories.  Here are just a couple of things to think about, we would not our spouse to have an affair on us but we have one on them. We wouldn't want someone to pick up our daughter for sex but we pick up someone else's daughter. If we needed money for food, rent, utilities, our kids school clothes or something else, we would not want someone to say, "I will give you money for those if you give me sex". Or if we needed a job we would not want the requirement to be a romp on the couch in the bosses office over lunch or after work. But we do these things to others. "Do to others what you would have them do to you" Christ's words not mine.

So with the "Golden Rule" being laid out there by our Lord and Savior, why do we do these things? That one you have to answer on your own because only you know why. Now this is what I have had the privilege of being taught in recovery, if it is not a God honoring action than more than likely we should not be doing it. This "Golden Rule" is a double sided sword, it teaches us to respect ourselves and others, it is also (in my opinion) designed to shape our conscious of right and wrong. I know this is a tough addiction to fight and those draws to act out are excruciating some days. However, if we are going to recover we have to stop being selfish and give others the same respect, courtesy, and love that we want. We have to understand that we can not pursue this addiction without the hurting, exploiting, disregarding, using, lying to, and stealing self respect of other people. We need to give what we demand or we have no right to demand fair, equal and loving treatment from others. Essentially you receive what you put out. We are not objects we are people, the people we use as objects are people to. We won't recover until we learn that every child of God is real and loved just as much as we are. We are abusing, using and exploiting God's children like it or not, it is a fact. But again we won't recover till we realize that, because do you really want to stand there and tell God, "yeah I bought your daughter for twenty bucks". I haven't had to say that for a long time, I have had to do that in my repentance and it is not pleasant but I have the choice not to have to say it again. It may be tough but its possible.

 I told myself I wouldn't go here with this but I almost have to with regards to respecting others and the treatment we want to receive in return. With that being said let me go on this little tangent. Just because we may not be able to touch or talk to a picture or video, doesn't not make the actor/actress any less of a living breathing person with feelings, emotions, families, children, financial responsibilities and dreams. It is easy to use an object, much harder to use a person. Speaking in general terms our type of lifestyle would not exist without the exploitation of others. Either mentally, physically or in some type of media. Since I have had a chance to look at the sex industry from a different perspective than what I was used too, let me share what I have learned. Recent studies show according to Internet sources that an estimated 1 million children have been sold into sexual slavery in last few years, there are over 1 billion pornography sites on the Internet to date, every college town in the United States has either a Internet pornography site, escort service, strip club or massage parlor that recruits our sons and daughters as they try to earn extra money for school. I hate to say it you guys but we fuel that industry. Some of them may willing supply, but only because we created the demand.  Just remember once again they are people with varying circumstances, we aren't required to take advantage of them.

I am not preaching because I am just as guilty as anybody, I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on the exploitation and use of God's children. I have had to admit that to God and beg for forgiveness. I am merely giving you one addicts perspective on what I believe to be a truism about our addiction. If this makes you mad I am sorry, but one guilty man should be able to talk to another.

Father in Heaven, we humbly come to you guilty of sexual sins against our fellows, we have taken from others and demanded more in return. We have victimized many knowingly and unknowingly and we ask forgiveness of our sins. We are all your sons and daughters and you tell us in the "Golden Rule" to treat each other as such. Yet our own selfishness has taken away from that. We ask that you help us to not use others and understand that we can not ask for more than we are willing to give, and we can not require more than what we deserve based on our own actions. Father we pray this in the precious name of your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

United in Christ

Note: Jesus Christ does not endorse, support, finance, or lend His name to any part of the sex industry.

So why do we? Why did I? A number of different reasons for a number of different people. Hurt, lost, sick, confused, lonely, broke, separation, divorce, relief from feelings of grief, anger control, curiosity, intimacy issues, need to feel wanted, looking for love or people just looking for something they don't have at home, this list could get really long if I keep going. The point is we are seeking false comforts in the sexual realm. The result is this: Profits in the billions each year from our emotional pains, curiosities, and lack of moral convictions (let me put that one in perspective, the United States alone boasts profits of about 6 billion dollars per year in pornography, which is more than accumulated profits of all professional sports team combined). Child pornography profits in the United States according to Internet sources are over 3 billion dollars per year. That is a total of over 9 billion dollars per year in the United States spent just on pornography. That does not include money from strip clubs, bottle clubs, prostitutes, Internet adult date sites, novelty toy companies, and swingers papers. I wonder how much was tithed last year to our church's and charities? I am going to bet it was not 9 billion dollars, call me crazy.

Yes Satan is making a killing in the United States, he is collecting souls and lining the pockets of his peddlers. Let me remind you though, these were just the numbers for the U.S. there is whole planet out there. I am sure the world wide number is staggering.

We have to stop this, I myself gave money and supported porn sites in Germany, Russia, the U.S., Mexico, and someplace in Asia. My church didn't get anything, if they did it was $5 or $10 dollars. The girls I looked at were noticeably drunk, drugged up, or just plain removed from the situation. It was misery with a paycheck for some and others I am sure didn't have a choice, they were I am going to venture a guess and say part of the human trafficking trade. These were the sites I visited on a regular basis. Where was Christ in all this? I saw some Cross's hanging on the walls of the amateur sites shot in peoples houses, hotels, or apartments but what was going had absolutely nothing to do with Christ other than Him protecting the victims in those scenarios.

The craziness of this life is stressful, the problems it causes vast, and we as the participants willingly use others, let others use us, we forsake our marriages and families and give into the compulsion above all else. We can not live the biblical life we are called to live and be involved in active sexual addiction. I can say that because I have lived it and know it is impossible. We may tell ourselves lies like I did that "I am a good person I help others"  we may be for the most part good people, but see if this makes sense. We donate money to charity to help feed and cloth orphans and homeless children and families, so we give to one group of people but then turn around and take from another. An example from my life is, at one point I sponsored a child overseas, however, during that time I frequented prostitutes that were out trying to earn meal money to feed their children. They have told me so, in one instance I saw the kids for myself and took their mother someplace private. The good Christian man, well number one, wouldn't of visited a prostitute but two, would have given the mother money for food for the kids and not required anything. But that is not what happens when we are active.

Truly I know the pain of sexual addiction, my wife knows the pain of sexual addiction, you know the pain of sexual addiction and so does Christ. Did we ask to be abused, or to become sexually addicted? No. I have said before I had to be that man and do those things to become the man I am today. A man that can share a story, admit mistakes, strive for something better, share Gospel, and be able to humble myself in front of God and say willingly "Father in Heaven I need your help". To receive that help I have to be willing to be united with Christ and not support, endorse, finance or lend my name to any of Satan's works. Therefore, I have to recover for myself, my family and my God. Come out of the woodwork, tell someone what is going and confess it to God. Then be willing to distance yourself from this lifestyle. Whatever we are looking for or needing from any of our acting out can be found with Christ. He took the beatings and died a cruel, unimaginable death for every mouse click on porn sites, every dollar spent on anything sexual, every rape or murder that was to be committed in the name of sex or control of the opposite gender, for every family we would ruin with our sins, every lustful thought, every act of adultery, the drugs used on innocent victims, the children and women that are forcibly sold into sexual slavery for our enjoyment and so on and so on. We are forgiven if we ask for Jesus to be our Master and Savior. God knew that the only way to absolve us of sin was to sacrifice a sinless man in the name of sin. Because of that we as Children of God are called to turn away from such things and rightly so considering what He endured out of pure love for us. The following speaks of this:

2 Corinthians 6:14-18; Don't team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God's temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said:

"I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God and they will be my people. Therefore, come out among the unbelievers, and separate yourselves from them, says the Lord. Don't touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you. And I will be your Father and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty".

We must stop worshipping our pornography, and using people sexually. As the scripture says, "we are the living temple of God" the key word there is "we" that means all humans have God living inside of them. All of us no matter what the role we play in Satan's reign in the sex industry have a chance to stop and receive Christ and have that sin washed away. So a more disturbing thought that causes me great regret is, if we are all the living temple of God, then what I have I made other temples of God do for the sake of my pleasure and emotional retreat? I know those sins are forgiven when I asked Jesus into my life. I may be forgiven but I don't forget, I live with that even though Heaven may not remember. But Jesus helps me through it and I have seen my life bring Him glory and help others. That is a wonderful thing but still I am human and I don't think I would be if none of my past bothered me, and that's ok because it helps me remember and chose better.

In conclusion, we have to be united with Christ, we must do His work, we must turn to get better and we have to have the same goal Christ did which is do our part to save souls and proclaim the Gospel through life experience and help others. As a team with Christ we can win, on our own we will lose and we will lose it all.

Father in Heaven, we pray to be united with you so we can be reunited with you. This world we live in now is so much about insecurity, emotional pain, finding relief and Satan knows it. Father we ask that we have your strength and call on you to achieve freedom from an addiction that will literally kill our souls one day. To be one with Christ and respect His sacrifice is what we want to do. Father our flesh is weak but you are strong and standing united with you we know the enemy's reign will stop over us and you will take the rightful place on the throne in our little temple. Therefore, Father we pray for unification with the Kingdom and desire to let all know that we are united with Christ. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.