From the other side

It has been a while since the last post.  A lot has happened in the meantime.  This post is from the other side of the addiction, from the spouse of the addict. 

Life happens as it does without any regard to what you or your loved ones are going through.  Is this the same with addictions?  Does an addiction care if your spouse loses a parent?  Does it care if you grieve a lost dream?  Does it have any regard for your new job and schedule?  I would venture to say "no" on all counts, however, I believe addictions thrive on the opportunities that arise from things happening in our life.  Addictions thrive on our sense of being lost, our grief, our anger, and our hurt.  At times this seems like an endless battle.  Life happens.  Parents die, jobs are lost, schedules change, a diagnosis is made, friends move, season's change.  There is no escaping life so how can we lessen the opportunity or respond to the opportunity addictions have to thrive in our times of disappointment, grief and despair? 

I began reading a book today called "Shattered Dreams" by Dr. Larry Crab.   Utilizing the story of Naomi from the Book of Ruth in the bible, he outlines how our shattered dreams are really just pieces to a larger puzzle that depicts God's ultimate love for us.  Reading this book has triggered in me memories and reminders of how I've seen this addiction move in the life of my husband, and therefore, in mine. 

My husband's addiction thrives on his grief.  It's as if his addiction lurks in the corner's of his heart waiting for the next loss to occur so as to start spreading the lies and laying the foundation for stinking thinking.  We have had our fair share of shattered dreams.  Childhood sexual abuse, divorced parents, alcoholism, separation, divorce, miscarriages, death of a parent and friend- losses utilized by this addiction.  It occurred to me after reading this book how we percieve shattered dreams is a key to decreasing the opportunity addictions have to use them as a catalyst for acting out and growing. 

Our shattered dream is just a piece of a much larger puzzle we can not yet see (paraphrased from Dr. Larry Crabb).  So what if when we experience a loss we accepted it as this?  What if rather than being angry at God for taking something away from us, we allowed ourselves to be sad and had trust that our pain is part of a bigger story?  What if the sum of it's part are greater than the parts?  Would there be as much fixation on the "badness" of the loss?  Would we be able to forgo thinking and feeling as we must be bad if something bad happens to us?  Could we allow ourselves to see a loss as the opportunity for something greater, even if we'll never see it in our lifetime?  I believe we can, if we pray for God's help in doing this. Here's why I believe this:
          Life has not turned out how I planned it.  I'm not the lawyer for juveniles I wanted to be.  I am a caseworker that works one on one with kids and their families that are having struggles.  I didn't realize I wanted kids of my own until I became pregnant after being told I couldn't get pregnant on my own.  I would be open to adopting, but it is not possible to adopt a child into a recovering sex addicted home.  I wanted a Godly marriage.  I ended up divorced.  We got remarried and are now in a Godly marriage.  Life is not how I planned it.  On so many levels it is so much better than I thought it could be.  Dreams were shattered.  Puzzles were put together with the pieces.  Some pieces do not have homes yet- their puzzles haven't been revealed.  So we'll hold on to them and wait having faith God will fit them into place when the timing is right. It is hard to accept, but that timing may not even be on this earth.  It is in God's time, not mine.  That is having hope in God. That is taking the shattered pieces of my dreams and laying them at God's feet.  The biggest piece is whether we'll have children on this earth or if we'll be reunited with our children in heaven before us.  The other dreams are falling into place.  God has taken the shatteredness and just rearranged the pieces to paint a much larger, more fulfilling picture.