Choices

The entire world is based on choices. Sanyo vs Sony. Ford or Chevy. Meat or chicken. Everything is a choice. Good vs evil (choice). What are we choosing? I chose prostitutes, strip clubs, pornography, one night stands and masturbation over my signifigant others. Over God. Over my self esteem and over my own moral codes that God has placed in me. My choices have put me and others at risk. Have just created a whole slew of emotional damage to loved ones and myself.

So why do I bring this up today? First I must apologize for going so long between posts. I was working and an extrodinary amount of hours and chose sleep. That would cut me short of time for this. Therefore, this ministry suffered because I chose to be selfish. But to answer that question of why I bring this up is; today I was presented a problem that overwhelmed me. I prayed over it, stressed over it, and just felt confused about what to do with this problem. The answer came to me that, "he must choose to come to me and get better. I don't want him or you drug to me. I want people to come by choice. That is the only way to truely help them and you. I felt refreshed after that. Because as always Jesus is right (he has a tendancy to have the right answer quite often). I can offer this man a choice he has to make everytime he wants to act out. Just like I have one. But God will work in the willing so I hope I heard the plan right. The plan being, to offer this man God every time.

We must have to ask ourselves when we decide to act out, do I want Jesus or this? He will let you choose. Just remember Jesus offers more than satan. Jesus can give you freedom and satan can take it away. It is a tough choice somedays because we get so driven on the pleasure, but there is hope. It will get easier. So here is what I do. I keep my bible close and my radio on the Christian station, thats why I have Jesus close. If I choose to act out I am choosing that over the Almighty and somedays I do. But those days are getting less and Jesus remains close to me because he knows my desire to be a better man.

Hard facts

I read a news letter that I subscribe to today. It is a news letter that is from a sexual addiction clinic out in Colorado. It is called the Heart To Heart news letter. They asked the question, what has your addiction cost you financially? They went on to give a list of things that we needed to consider. Gas, on-line subscriptions, video rental rates, food during acting out, working at jobs that better fit our needs for the addiction ( so loss of income potential) things like that. They said the average lifetime cost to the average addict is close to $250,000.00 dollars for an untreated addiction to sex. I believe that because as I read down the list of things to consider I kept saying, "yep been there, yep done that". This costs us so many things.

However, you know these things but lets take a look at a couple things we don't think about. We get aroused by the girls or guys (whatever gender or preference you are) that we see on the screen or in magazines. But they aren't people. They are objects of our desire. They are our fantasy, they are our secret control. But they are people. For example there was a 19 year old college student in Texas that went to a porn shoot to earn extra money to help her pay her bills. She was drugged, raped, forced into acts that completely humiliated her in a room full of people she didn't know. That girl shot herself in the head in her dorm room. Her note spoke of the depression and pain of that afternoon. A porn star that's named Heather, as I read, was getting out of the business and just couldn't take the pain of her years of being used and hung herself. Another killed themselves because it broke her marriage apart. Many of them get addicted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of the humiliation. Girls and guys have reported internal tearing of rectums, others had to get surgeries done on vaginal canals, others have bled to death on internal bleeding of body parts that were damaged by getting the "good shot" so you and I can get some enjoyment.

satan is alive and well in the porn and sex business. He not only gets to take shots at the Kingdom, but he gets to watch suffering first hand without having to administer it. Homeless kids, prostitutes, runaways, single moms, children, slave traders, refugees, illegal aliens, drug addicts, alcoholics, and even your suburban mom. All being used, beaten, raped, humiliated, and any other form of suffering you can think of. All for our enjoyment.

So an amazing fact I ran across. I had five sexual keyword typed into a search engine. The total websites available containing these keywords was 1,237,100,000. THATS BILLION folks. So we have to ask ourselves what is our son or daughter doing for money? What about our girlfriend or wife? Porn sites and strip clubs operate in towns all over this country. Especially in the college towns. Because these bastards know that college kids need money. Who is looking at our loved one, like we looked at someone elses. They are not gonna say they are doing that, just we like we don't say we are addicted to looking at it. The secrets continue and satan is loving the "hell" out of it.

One final fact, at a porn convention the average attendance is approx. 60,000 people. All lined up to enter one building in one weekend. How many Church's have 60,000 people waiting to get into it in one weekend?

Doin' Time

If you are sex addict of my type, perhaps your body and your mind have felt like they are holding your spirit prisoner. Paul said "that it is sin that lives within us that make us break the law" ( law being what God has set forth as good actions). But it is tough, I am not going to lie. I have had times where I just hate my body (one part specifically) because it is that part that has participated in some of my greatest sins. My mind gets to going and and my body reacts. Or my eyes see something or someone, that gets the mind going, that gets the body going and so on till I act out. Not that this process is unusual to anyone but it is what we do with it and how we feel afterward that causes the greatest squashing of the spirit within us.

Some sex addicts really detest parts of their body and oddly enough even though they hate that part, it is the one given the most attention to. For me it determined my loyalties at times, spent my money, got me less sleep, meals were not properly eaten on a regular basis, caused me to lie and manipulate. My mind was no more innocent for it caused the same thing and alot of times both of them worked together. My spirit was witnessing these things and longed for God but my mind and my body kept it away from him. (This is a very hard point to get across, so I hope I am making sense).

1Corinthians Chapter 12 speaks of the body. Verse 26 speaks directly to this point: "if one part suffers, all parts suffer with it. And if one part is honored all parts are glad." I think this is a very good illustration of the addictive process. When we feel wound and aroused, we seek to relieve ourselves because the feeling is to unbearable to manage. The mind and the body are suffering then. All things are not important except one, that is relief. We let our entire body suffer wether it be lack of sleep, hunger, pain or anything else. We need to act out. We do and all feels better. So you can see how this addiction to sex can stifle the spirit and all the good things God wants for us.

So in conclusion, let my personal testimony to this be this: "My spirit has felt chained up and trying to break free, while my mind and body mock it and humiliate it. God has brought me a cake with a file in it and my spirit is loosening its chains now." The God head, Father, Son and Spirit are working together and will work together with you to help us get free. Jesus lets us know that help is on the way.

Feeling set apart

I sat in a restaurant today, a beautiful little Italian place. The place was warm and the smells of garlic and spices filled the air. Outside the weather was cold and drizzling. But people sat at their tables with smiles and talking to just talk. I sat and watched all this and was feeling pretty good as I waited for my person to join me. Then this feeling overcame me, that general feeling of dirtiness I get. I felt like an outsider all of a sudden. Like I had this horrible thing that would never be understood and I wouldn't ever be one of those happy bistro people.

Now keep in mind I am not on a pity pot about this. This is a feeling that I have felt for a very long time in movies, church, restaurants, doctors offices, oh I guess anywhere that is not my home. I have gotten used to it popping up. The difference today was I asked myself what is going on? There is not a reason I should feel this way. Why does it happen to me when I am feeling joy in these places? Satan was robbing me and I this time I knew it. So I made it a conscious effort to enjoy the warmth, the old Italian pictures, watching the kid play his hand held video game. I listened to the young 20 something couple talk about the facebook site they were on with their cell phone. I watched the kitchen staff. Then my lunch partner joined me and we were on to different conversation.

This still made me wonder as I sat down to write this. I actually just got back from taking a cigarette break for more reflection. I read one time that Jesus lives outside of time and he can take you back to those exact moments. My counselor is actually trying to do that with me about a block I have from childhood. But the first time I remember having that set apart feeling, other than with my family, was at birthday party in third grade. I walked in their feeling aroused. I wanted to have sex with my host. So I did bump into them "accidentally", stupid things like that for contact. The more that I did that, the more I felt dirty and not normal, "set apart".

This is how satan separates us from each other. He or one of his millions of workers tells us we are not good enough, that we are disgusting people because of our secrets, he amplifies the good in others while pointing out your bad at the same time. No wonder there are anxiety and depression problems in the world. The guys down below are working overtime. Corrupting souls all over the planet. Don't feel set apart, believe me I know its easier said than done or I wouldn't of struggled with it today. But realizing what satans works was doing to me helped me realize that I am a new creation in Christ and the warmth and security he offers makes me worthy enough to be a human being, and be able to enjoy all the little pleasures he gives us. If you read the bible about some of the parties he attended, Christ was the life of the party. He loved community and being apart of dinner situations and just being with people. Their are many stories of this in the bible. He wants us to enjoy each other and be a part of community. Just try and remember, as I am going to try and remember, by ourselves we are no match for satan. With Christ we are safe. As my counselor put it one time, "you may be bothered by satans friends but I want to send you out in the world today with my really big friend". Go with Christ to the movies or dinner or wherever else. As sex addicts we have a lot of reasons to feel set apart from everyone else. We don't have to be. It is not easy and takes conscious effort on our part. But remember Christ likes social situations, call on him and invite him. He will come. He loves his children and being with them.

Can you keep a secret?

I thought I could. Oh yes, for years spanning more than two decades, I kept sexual secrets. I hid people from people, I hid money, living situations, materials, receipts. I spoke the words that made those around me believe I was such an outstanding person. "If only they knew " I thought. Some secrets I kept out of shame, some out of ego, and others out of issues of control. Some just kept as a mental drug that I could take whenever and wherever I wanted.

But as you may have already guessed, those secrets came out. It hurt alot of people when they did. I have seen tears from both of my wives, that can be so extremely rough, you just want to crawl under a rock. My mother crying saying "she had no idea and what did she do or didn't do?" My father and brothers shocked. I have limitations put on me right now by family members to prevent creating more secrets. Now keep in mind I am not upset with this, hurt and embarrassed at some of these things sure. However, initially my feelings were anger at those people. For I had already admitted to things, just shut up and trust me already. But secrets destroy trust. You cant build a house without a strong foundation, you can only build trust with honesty. I am now at the point where I realize I am lying in the bed I made. It is not easy sometimes, but the more cleansed I get the more comfortable the bed becomes.

In Mark chapter 4, Jesus is preaching on a lake shore. People begin to gather around and Jesus crawled into a boat and began his teachings. He spoke in many parables. Later, as the day wound down, the disciples and a few people who remained were around him. One of the disciples asked why Jesus spoke in parables. Jesus replied, "You are permitted to understand the secret of the kingdom of God. But I use parables for outsiders for them to understand so that the Scriptures might be fulfilled". Jesus went on to tell them the Parable of the lamp, (Mark Chapter 4: 21-23) "would anyone light a lamp and then put it under a basket or under a bed? Of course not! A lamp is placed on a stand, where its light will shine. For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand".

Jesus is right. Of course he's right, he made us and the universe. I believe he is a very good authority on such issues. The truth he spoke centuries before our birth is still true today. I am living proof of that. I wonder what secrets you keep? Expose your secrets to the correct people and become cleansed of these shames. Sometimes it is not always the correct course of action to reveal all to a loved one, as they may become very hurt. Seek counsel on these things there are people to help. But also know there are somethings that have to be revealed to a loved one for the relationship to grow and for that other person to gain better understanding of you. DO NOT consider me an authority on this. Talk to priest or a counselor and work out these things prior to opening your mouth. But the charge Jesus puts before us, is do not live a life of secrecy. It is exhausting, it squashes the spirit within us, and sucks all joy out of your life. Jesus wants to be that Joy. Reveal your secrets to him. He already knows them anyway, so you are not going to make the KING OF KINGS go "Whoa!" He just wants to help you get better and do works through you. He is best counselor and friend you will ever have.

"American Idols"

Hosea 9:10 says, "But soon they deserted me for Baol, giving themselves to that shameful Idol. Soon they became as vile as the god they worshipped".

We as americans worship more than just God. We worship money, belongings, status, automobiles, entertainers, houses, the list can go on. However, in regards to the issue of sex we worship porn stars, we give our money to strip clubs and prostitutes and then maybe drop one or two dollars in the collection at church. The sexual idols we have (they are different for everyone) require more of us. Soon what we worship is not exciting anymore so we seek out something different, more exciting. Example: we eventually want what is on the screen so we start fantasizing about our loved one doing that, or the girls at work no one will know. Or we start thinking maybe I will just cruise down and see what the big deal is about the strip club or are there girls that will do that for $20.

Sexual gods (idols) are never content. There is ALWAYS a price great or small, financial or emotional. There is ALWAYS a price to be paid. Idols require sacrifice from us wether it be time or money. Then when we give that sacrifice our idols gently calm us for the time we are with them and they tell us they will make us feel better and feel better about ourselves. Temporarily we do, then what we worship leaves and we are left feeling shameful, bad, emotionally bankrupt, dishonest and sometimes (in my case) feeling like a disgusting person. Oh yeah, that is a god you want.

Jesus requires only faithfulness and belief. He does not take away but gives. He asks for good works that help others around us and will help us. Jesus wants you to worship him but he wants to worship you back. He loves us, he so loved us that he became flesh and suffered on a cross to save us from the very thing I talked about in the last paragraph. He offers peace not depression, he offers us love not vileness. We need him. If your gods are taking you away from the one true God, then a change is needed. Because Satan (no scratch that, I will not capitalize his name) satan wants us to turn away from Christ. He gets our worship under false names. As long as we are worshipping anything other than God than we are worshipping him.

Sexual idolatry will kill you spiritually, emotionally and physically. In Jesus Christ, we live forever.

When in "Romans"

I am a sinful man. Let me say that before I even begin this segment. You see for years I was heavily involved in Pornography, strip clubs, and prostitutes. I have given thousands and thousands of dollars to the sex industry. Hardly any to the church. Satan got more than God.
I pondered this thought today and was referred to Romans. The verse that stuck out and I believe was a message God wanted me to see was, Romans 1:32 "They know Gods justice requires those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway, worse yet they encourage others to do them too."

I am guilty of this, the more money I gave to strippers the more they compromised themselves and their integrity for me. The more I gave to porn sites the more money they had to recruit young girls who had multitudes of problems going on both emotional and financial. The more I gave prostitutes the more reason they had to keep doing what they did because it paid their bills. So I to encouraged these behaviors out of women for my own gain knowing full well it was sin, but I did not care. I wanted gratified. Yes I helped bankroll Satans work for the exploitation of women and taking shots at the Kingdom.

Now saying this I want all to know I was attacked this afternoon with memories of these encounters and became aroused. Instead of praying the euphoric recall became great and I acted out. My flesh failed today. I prayed afterward and was assured I was forgiven. However I just feel compelled to say becareful of your thoughts and it can only take a few thoughts or even just one for the "forces of the air" to jump in and corrupt your mind and turn you away from God. We are slave to sin because our flesh is weak but it is the spirit within us that helps us determine what is to be repented for. The Spirit is what is good inside of us. Paul wrote in regards to this: Romans 7:15-17 "I really dont understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it." Paul goes on to ask, if this is the case, I am such a miserable man who will free me from this, the answer is Jesus Christ will free me from my death and sin.

Keep trying I am and will help you and you can help me and Jesus will help us all. Ask for freedom from this in his name. DO NOT look down on those we exploited. Pray they get freedom from their prisons and do not do as I did, try to honor them by not re-exploiting them in your mind.

The rolling stone

Have you ever heard the phrase "a rolling stone gathers no moss"? Well in the world of addiction that really is not the case. It gathers moss till sometimes it is just this big, green, fuzzy ball knocking everything and everyone out of its way. Until it hits a wall or hits the bottom. I have run into both in my life.

The moss my disease has collected has been marital problems, marital loss, financial ruin, physical harm and or threat of harm, anger, anxiety, possibilities of legal ramifications such as prison. I was once questioned in front of my first wife by the Minneapolis Police for a rape that did not occur, but was a scorn of a person I did use while married to her. That person was her best friend and the more I denied the sex the rockier their freindship became. That person started sending hate emails and phone calls daily till we had to get a restraining order. The question my first wife asked was simply "did you guys have sex?" I just kept giving her a definite "no". She wanted to know so she could work it out with her friend. I only had to admit to it. She like a good wife stuck by her husband and took my word for it. That destroyed a friendship of over 12 years. Once denied on all fronts by the police and my wife and loosing that friendship, that person became out of control themselves and depressed. We came to find out through a family member that whole incident just absorbed that person and they started hearing voices and talking to people in the room that were not there about the incident in front of their family members. Last I heard a string of medications were being supplied to help keep them calm. I publicly denied an action of mine and that rolling stone started. I cant not take credit for the insuance of actions on their part, however had mine been different so could of the outcome I believe. Perhaps not but their is no changing history.

Who might you have affected adversely? You see it just takes one word or one secret to start something that eventually gets out of your control. I heard a saying once that said, "It only takes a second to make a mistake but can take years to correct". How true that is.

I need to make that amend through honesty now. I don't know where that person is and if they are even still alive. But I can prevent myself from lying and hopefully not start anything like that again. But to that person and my first wife I say, " Yes we did have sex and it was wrong of me to deny that. I am sorry that my actions during and after our sexual encounter led to such a chaotic situation. If you guys are still in contact I will pray that this answer comes to both of you and please forgive me for what I did to you both"

Dealing with the past

Today I had to sit and listen to how my actions affected another. Definetly one of the hard parts of recovering from an addiction. I had the initial reaction of feeling panic that something bad was going to come of it. However, God has been able to help me find the calmness to sit and listen. If the person you love and affected is still there, just know they aren't saying you are bad. They are saying what you did, not who you are hurt me. After a little talk I was able to see what one of my actions meant to the person I love. These things are ok and is part of the healing from this addiction. This is a very personal disease and has caused a great deal of pain to alot of people. My people included, wives, girlfriends, employers and co-workers, my family and friends. Because my unraveling happens in spurts and at different times with different people, all I know are eventually affected.

Sex is a major part of our world and a major part of how God made us. It is easy to get caught up in what is being presented us. Just know in recovery what your triggers (things that stir up those sexual feelings) are. Stay away from those places or things. If you must go someplace pray and be aware. Sometimes it does take hard and committed warfare to keep yourself safe. It is possible.

I will write more on Monday. Thank you and let me know if I can help or if you can be help to me.

Getting to a better place in your life

Proverbs 1:32 says "complacency is the death of fools" . Do not get stuck in a sexual rut thinking that Jesus won't help you now. I for too long thought to myself, "yeah prayer is all well and good but others haven't done what I have. I don't think God will listen to me, I am to far gone" WRONG! I still struggle to this day. Sometimes minute to minute. Some times my heart wins and other times my flesh fails. However, there is always a returning to God. Somedays I pray, "Lord Jesus please keep me from the sexual thoughts today. Protect me from myself and Satan." Simple prayer but it works. I need to say that prayer before I go to bed sometimes to so I dont act out prior to sleep. Jesus will not forsake you. Don't get stuck in a rut.

Beware of shame and Guilt. Guilt says "I did something wrong". Shame says, "there is something wrong with me". That is where Satan wants us. In Matthew 9:37-38 Jesus says, "It is not the healthy that need doctors, but the sick. But go and learn what this means. I desire Mercy not sacrifice. For I have come to call the sinners not the righteous." He will be there for you in the night or wherever you are at. Remember help is a breath away.

I struggled the other night with remembering a few hotel rooms where the Girls I was with had to do drugs just to go through with it. I helped a few of them not stumble and fall when they were done shooting up in the bathroom. They were lifeless idols that I took advantage of and left. One had her children waiting in another room. My money was helping them get fed and stay off the streets another night. I live with memories like these. I share this to show you that at the end of day struggling with these pains that God reminded me, "I am not that man anymore" yes there is repentance needed for these things, but he will be there and not forsake you.

Dont get stuck, it gets better. There is a place in your life that you can respect yourself and start to be able to give back to the ones you took from. Even if not them directly but by not doing it to someone else.

How it all began

When I was six years old I was molested by a neighbor while on a sick day from school. I did not tell anyone and drifted into my own mind after that. My family was busy dealing with an alcoholic parent and their survival (just like mine came first). My brothers didn't want to deal with me and Mom was busy trying to keep the peace. I started seeking the first phases of addiction then. I needed gratified and numbed. I saw how alcohol affected my father and I wanted the same, just sleep and not real feel anything. I didn't neccessarily like the taste but I did like the feeling it provided. Thus began my blueprint to alcoholism later in life. Masturbation was my first love and started that like drinking at age 7. By time I was in fifth grade I already been getting high for 1 and half years. Till I overdosed one night. The solution was I couldnt play with that friend whose brothers drugs I used. That was the end of story for my parents. But it was not all better, I just got better at hiding things. The masturbation got worse and so did the fantasies. I remember talking my friends sister into taking off her clothes for me and letting me touch her. That was it. It was all about the skin, the pictures, you name it after that. I began a slow but definite decent into pornography and later strippers and prostitutes. Which led me into wanting to explore all I could. My life by time I reached age 20 was getting out of control. The bad part is I was just at the beging of the chaos that would last another 18 years after that. I always wonder what if I had never been molested? Who would I be? How would I think? I have come to the realization that God is using my life for his Glory and that of the kingdom. I find solace in the fact that my life doesnt have to be for nothing. That my sins can let Jesus work miracles.