Confession

I have talked to you about my struggles with this addiction to sex. I have talked about what you may struggle with and what to look for. I have not touched on what I am struggling with right now. See, I wrote this to help others recover from their sexual addiction and to help myself recover from it as well. Sadly, that message was lost because you need to here I am struggling as much as I need to admit it. The last couple of weeks I have thought to myself how can I help others when I am struggling to help myself? My soon to be wife pointed out to me that is when I need to do this the most. She is right. So right that this is a no brainer and I got so caught up in my defeat, that my embarrassment of the problem overshadowed the intent of the blog. So I dropped the ball on you and myself and most importantly God.

So lets talk about my Masturbation problem! I have given so much up to God to help me with this addiction. My porn issues, women in bars, women anywhere for that matter. The fights to stay away from all things that would send me back to that horrible life that I so dearly treasured and hated all these years. However, the one thing I keep giving up and taking back is Masturbation. The earlier blogs talked about this issue and not objectifying the women of the past in "euphoric recall" and I thought to myself, "I believe I found a back door on that one" what if it is about the woman I love and "Love" we made not the "sex" we had. Also what if it was about future "Love making" sessions. Surely that would be ok. I know what your thinking, and your right... it is a cop out and a rationalization that measures up to a full bucket of horse pucky. I can't make it past 3 days right now. I pray about it and ask Him to take away those feelings and I feel confident that He will help me and God does like the true Father he is. However, day 3 rolls around and the thoughts are multiplied and amplified and I touch myself just enough to feel better, then I think I touch just a little more but if I don't have an orgasm then it really wasn't masturbating "fully". It is a lie as much as "oral" isn't really sex because I didn't penetrate her.
Why do you ask is it a problem? Well I am glad I asked that question for you. The answer is I am in limbo right now, everything is up in the air, my life is feeling out of control and that I am just a passenger. Masturbating is familiar to me, its a control thing. Don't get me wrong I am not full of garbage in the things I have shared and the things I have offered to help, because prayer, counsel, meetings, sponsors, phone calls all help; they do. I just haven't utilized them remotely in a helpful way on the third day. So I struggle. I am the living proof it is not a perfect recovery, the world doesn't stop for us to get better, and that the lies we tell ourselves can be outlandish enough that we think we are actually being healthy little addicts.

Be careful with what you think and what you do. I wish to break all the chains that bind me to sexual addiction including this one. The more I stay stuck the longer I am not the full child of God I could be. I will pray for you and would you pray for me?

Holiday season

Lets first take a look at the true meaning of Christmas: Luke 2:11-12 "Today in the town of David, a savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you; you will find a baby wrapped in cloth and lying in a manager." The birth of Jesus Christ, who was born to deliver mankind and grant salvation and eternal life to those who believe. The greatest day in the history of the world is spelled out in the Gospels. Christmas is a celebration of that birth and the gift that he would give the world later in life. That is what it is about for me and always has been. I remember getting frustrated with the whole Christmas thing. Shopping, bank accounts being drained so people could give each other gifts, the stress of the families so thankful to be together and then wanting to kill each other. Then there is the token church service, how is that God honoring? Oh I can go on and on with whats wrong with Christmas. But what good would that do? Nothing. I will state my view once and let it go. I have always wanted to celebrate the birth and do that by, celebrating with all the better things life has to offer. Simple meals, no gifts for every single person we know and are related to. A simple gift to the one you love that says I love you. People get to tied up in a lot of tradition that doesn't mean anything. I say get tied up in experiencing your family and your God. Santa wasn't in the Bible a but kind man in a European village is in the history books. He just wanted to spread good will and cheer to the children of his village. He was considered a Saint for what he did. "Ole' Saint Nick". Santa Claus was invented by Coca Cola in the early 1900's as part of an advertising campaign. Yes Santa Claus is a Copyrighted piece of the Coca Cola company and receives royalties from its uses and owns Contracts dictating the use of the Jolly ole elf. Yes they are making a killing off of "Good ole' Saint Nick" . That my friends is my Christmas tangent. But before I finish have you ever seen a seen a gift tag that says, "Happy birthday Jesus"?



But what does that have to do with sex addiction? Well nothing really except its my blog and I wanted to express that view. But Christmas season is a dangerous time of year for us. I want to share some my Christmas struggles that could serve as warning signs to you, that perhaps you are not in a good spot. For example, Malls are very bad places for us at Christmas. Can we avoid them? No. Perhaps some of us may need to though. But Malls on weekends and some select weeknights of extra special sales can prove to be very trying for us. Women and groups of them, trudging through the mall, sipping hot drinks and covering the food courts. Smiles and giggles; get my point? Why put yourself in that situation. Because sometimes it threw me into a sexual tailspin and for me it needed to get released one way or another.

Shopping with my wife or significant other also sometimes was a bad spot for me. Although I enjoy the window shopping and lunch thing, sometimes I got really bored or irritable. If I got bored I fantasized about taking her in the dressing room, or trying to watch the bottom of her door in what ever dressing room she was in. And if I couldn't see her door I would need something else to fill my time. Fantasy life or browsing the underwear which ironically is always right next to the dressing rooms. If not underwear it was always something provocative that said, "ooooh Ooooh! try me on while you are in there too!" Then when I got bored with that I would start to get irritable.. whether I showed it or not. Then that entitlement came in as "ok I did this purse holding, patient thing for you. Now I want something from you" So if you are having a rough time, open your mouth and communicate so she knows (I didn't do that, so some of those days didn't end so great). Or stay home. Do something to keep from letting things get to you sexually.

Family is a whole new ball of wax. My wife's family and my own got me extra aroused at times. What I mean by that is amidst all the chaos I wanted sex. Because sex I understood, sex I could control, sex was solitude and alone time. Sex was relaxing. If I didn't get it, I would release it with masturbation. It seemed the orgasm was my victory moment. I needed that victory because I felt so out of control in those situations. Or I needed the victory because of controversy or arguments or judgements or something that the joy of Family brings at the Holiday season. Which is why I expressed frustration earlier about that. Why cant families just be happy to be together and not worry so much about judging or controlling one another. Because my honest thought alot of time was, this is such garbage, you people don't really care about sitting in this circle opening gifts. They want what we all want because of the world we live in, get whats theirs. The bigger the gift the more they are loved, for me it was the better the sex the more I am loved. Truly sometimes the gift I most wanted was what I unwrapped at the end of the night. That is what was the most special to me. But in general no matter what your beliefs are of family or how well you get along with them. Sex for control and familiarity may very well become an issue at some point so just be aware that unhealthy feelings could trigger something.

Money and stress are two of the biggest triggers we have. They are also the two biggest problems we have in the holiday season. I think it is not of the scope of possibilities that one or both of these thing will cause you to act out. They always did me whether it was Christmas or not. Sex is a means and a way to control and escape these two horrible things in our life. They are just more in your face at Christmas time. I don't know what your recovery program is or if you even have one. But if you want to get better know what sets you off about this season and stop it before it starts. These are the things that get to me, you may have an entirely different list than I do. But for the most part I speak of these things because these are pretty common among the sex addiction world. Just be aware of your surroundings and feelings and your family situations.

SHAME is another really bad feeling for us. We are around all this goodness and we feel dirty. We feel like a horrible person and a liar. Our secrets and our desires if revealed would just ruin this gathering and they wouldn't love me anymore. Or you worry about people looking at you like they do know about your secret even if they don't. Now lets get real, shame is a feeling we try to crush by acting out. Acting out could reveal you. That creates even more shame. But in an effort to feel better, we risk using the one thing that always helps; Sex. So do what you can to keep shame at a minimum in a healthy way. Prayer is always a good one.

Like I said at the beginning about my beliefs of Christmas. It should be a time of God and healthy family relationships, not about the biggest or the best gift possible to beat out somebody else. Jesus is the reason for the season! Santa lives because Coke allows it and we want that guy in the red and white fuzzy suit to make us smile. So we put him in malls, out on lawns, in movies, by fireplaces, heck we even feed him cold cookies and warm milk. Why? because we have grown to depend on BS holiday cheer. And the addiction we have can spark up at any moment amidst all this chaos. Santa doesn't matter, God doesn't matter (until afterwards anyway) and we just need to control something in our lives and something is usually sex. Be careful the holidays can wreck havoc on your mind and if you act out, what is going to happen and who is going to be affected? Guard your spirit and your mind. It doesn't make you weak, it keeps you and others safe.

Finally, in your prayers; don't forget to wish Jesus a Happy Birthday!

God knows what is best for us

Tonight I discussed a book that I have been very resistant to reading the last few months. It is about Gods plan for us and sexual relations. I had to examine why I was resistant to it. First it is going against the grain for me to think about sex in the terms it talked about it. That God wanted us to enjoy sex for the gift that it really is. For a sex addict of my type Abstinence is the "A" word. Now don't get me wrong, in my spiritual journey I want what God wants for me. But the words in that book ran together for me and I started to get confused and resistant to some of the wordings. My ex wife and soon to be wife again agreed that we would not have sex till we get married. That is when this book entered my life. She said read it and it will help you sort through what God wants for us. I agreed to read it (then did not) but I initially started our no sex agreement because I chose to respect her choice. I didn't necessarily agree with it. But I held back anyway. Now there were and are some very rough nights involved with this choice, especially after kissing for a long time. However, I believe my hard head had a break through recently and I want to share with it.

Tonight I told her that a couple of weeks ago I finally understood what she and God were trying to say and that I wanted it to. Sex for me has always been a means to gain control, feel better, escape, get what was rightly mine from the woman I was with or just be plain animalistic but there was always a reason. I did make love, in my mind though. Because recently I have struggled with "did I ever really make love to my spouse?" Because when I was feeling love, I had to really concentrate sometimes on not making it dirty, although dirty is what excited me and, well, you know, "did the job". So I really questioned whether there was ever a really honest session? There must of been, but you can see with my revelation of what God wants and what I did, that there is some doubt in my mind. But I digress a little. I realized that God wants a union granted by Him to bring him Glory. That the male/female unions were meant to be a wonderful gift of sharing and way to love one another. So I likened it to this: Say you had a favorite singer whose coming to town in six months. That person is your favorite singer, you love her, she sings to your heart and soul and just being in her presence would be awesome and you just really wanted to go to that concert. But in waiting for it, you go to other shows and they aren't quite as good but they give you a little something. So you go from show to show not feeling great afterwards, but you enjoyed it a little, but you never get truly fulfilled with what you were so badly looking forward to. By the time the original concert rolls around it is not the same, it doesn't mean as much. Abstinence gives you the perfect concert. Same scenario, but this time, you avoid all of the "distractions" of these other, lesser shows. You bide your time by listening to the c.d.'s of your singer, prepare as much as you can for that special night, and when it comes- holy cow! What a night! I want that with her. To join physically with her in the presence of a granted union, this actually means something to me. So even though it is completely against my grain to say "NO", I know our wedding night will be of true oneness with her. That is what God wants for us.

I have had promiscuous sex for years and never felt anything afterward except guilt, shame, or pride. I was so far removed from what God wanted and so closely connected to what I wanted. You guys can relate to what I am saying about that, I know you can. This has truly been a test of my resolve and commitment. But my choice now is the choice of Gods way, not just making the choice to respect her choice. I know I am in for something good that can fill my heart and soul. So in that sense maybe I still am a virgin to it.

I have talked with guys and listened to them, and they have listened to me about the guilt and shame that comes along with our addiction. The questions about our eternal destinations, the wreckage of trust, the tears at night from our loved ones, embarrassment we felt and they felt and it is nowhere close to being a gift. Agreed? If not your lying and you know it. Why can't we as sex addicts take control even just once and try to experience that and decide if that is what we want. The spirit within us when seeking a spiritual gift comes alive, it gives us strength and hope. The bible tells us to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. The Church is all who seek and believe. Jesus treasures his followers and loves them all. He is and was very selfless to the Church so that we may stay with him forever. That was on a Global and eternal scale that He was able to do that for millions and millions of people. God asks us to love just one the same way. Can it be done? Sure it can. Do I know how? I am learning and making choices to try. Will it fulfill me? Certainly. Will I grow and change my thinking? I believe it is only natural. Against the grain isn't so bad sometimes. It will grow you and challenge you for the better. The Bible gives us the answer and so will the eyes and touch of your loved one. We can break free. That is a gift worth getting and giving this Holiday season.

unmanageable

I was sitting in AA meeting tonight and it was a beginners meeting. Some of the newer ones shared about their lives up to this point and were excited for the future. I listened and listened as each new comer shared their woes and loses. The first step in AA and Sex Addicts anonymous are the same except for one or two key words. The first step for SAA is: We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. How true that is for many us that feel out of control of our own lives because of this addiction to sex. I want to share a little of my recent unmanageability with you so you know what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.

Imagine if you will an efficiency apartment in the ghetto side of town where a man sits alone with his thoughts that consume him about sex and lust. The excitement he feels about being alone with his thoughts uninterrupted by the world, because he shut it out. Then an idea strikes that is the answer to satisfy some of his immediate needs. That man is me. I decided one day that I could afford a computer from a local rental place. I could not of course but did it anyway. My marriage was over, the weather turning colder. That loneliness creeping in, the sense of loss great and the pity party was on. Everyone was invited, alcohol dropped in, depression brought him. Defeat and shame were the life of the party. Stupidity was the guest of honor though. So to entertain everyone I bought an Internet package because of my new roommate "computer". That is when it all unraveled for me. I told myself now I can check my banking, go to some of the movie and tv sites and watch shows online with my streaming Internet service. I thought this would get my mind of things, I can interact with the world without actually going out into it except when I wanted to. So I create an account and I am world wide. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, so I was told. Boy were they were right! I didn't watch shows on line like I thought I would. No my porn addiction was off to the races and the party continued 24/7.

First I started visiting the free porn sites, slowly at first just a few minutes to get a fix. Then it all started getting to me. It wasn't enough, I needed more. My obsessions developed with group sex and urine shots. I started to pay for memberships to certain sites. $1.99 for 3 days! Woo hoo I thought. My control issues developed again with bondage and submission. So I started frequenting those sites. More was needed. Soon I was spending more and more money. My sleep was getting less and I started to eat less. When I did eat it was fast food. Nothing healthy. I lost 15 pounds in a very short period of time. Now keep in mind I only weigh 147 pounds on good day. So you can imagine I couldn't afford to loose anything to begin with. Those three day memberships I either forgot about or paid for the 30 days. But the ones I forgot hit my bank account hard because I wasn't counting on that money being gone. Those sites if you don't cancel the membership will charge you the 30, 60 or 90 days at one time. So to make up for the overdrafts I took out advances and had to pay those back with a fee, and because I had to pay them back, I had to take out more just to survive and pay bills. My financial situation was a wreck.

Then I got addicted to down loading pictures and movies. I wanted my screen saver to run for a long time without repeating. So I went nuts down loading pictures to fill up my screen savers. Then I sat for hours just watching the screen saver feeling prouder the longer it got. Over 1100 pictures filled my computer screen. My goal was accomplished. So I thought, I bought a picture cd you could play on tv and I had it on tv and the computer at the same time. Sex was now my world. My finances were shot, my health was bad. Not to mention my smoking increased. The sickest part of it all was I thought, "this will keep me out of the bars and picking up the skanks" I thought I had found my answer to avoiding promiscuous sex. But my masturbation was out of control. It actually started staying in slight constant pain. So essentially my life spiraled out of control till I couldn't take it anymore.

I got rid of the computer and sought out the elder board of my church for prayer and confession. Something had to change or I was going to lose more than I already lost (and gave up because of this screwed up addictive thinking). The scary part was the drive and obsession. My memory was horrible. They say when you are active in your addiction your memory suffers. I lost entire summer. I didn't remember my town flooded till I was reminded of it. I didn't know times lines with my wifes and I's separation. That is pretty unmanageable I think.

If you are going through this get help. Talk to someone. Pray to God or whatever it is you feel comfortable doing. It will eat you alive other wise. Write me if you want. I just hate to see others going through it when God offers us so much more. He can rebuild you and take away desires. He wants to! From one sex addict to another, I have been to hell. Don't go there to. Change is possible and stopping is in the cards if you want to play them. I takes work and courage. Determination and faith. But it is possible. I am not cured, I am better.

Euphoric recall

This is a term used by the clinical field. We simply call it "remembering". Every sex addict has a certain situation or person that they use to provide pleasurable thoughts and in some cases actions. The reason for this, in my case anyway, is to provide comfort and it also helped me make sense of something when nothing else was making sense in my life. Fantasy life or euphoria is not uncommon at all. However, when it takes away from who you are by letting your mind go there, that is when it becomes a problem. What I mean is, I am trying to get better and help others get better. When my flesh fails and I recall something and get pleasure from it, then I have taken a step back. Because my version of a memory usually gets soiled with my own variations of the situation and it is not even remotely that precious memory others can have. Am I alone in this problem? I don't believe so.

Euphoric recall is always triggered by something. A person, a show, a situation, outfit someone has on, a picture, a word or phrase that was used by the person we are remembering, and even just emotions. But something always sends us there if we are not careful. Now I don't know about you but I am tired of this happening. I so want to glorify God and feel like a human should feel sexually. So when this pops up and I act on it, I feel like I have let down God and myself. It is getting increasingly harder to look myself in the eye afterward. I do however pray and confess it and ask for strength next time and forgiveness of what just occurred. I know God knows my heart and what I desire for my life, so I feel I can go to him ( I still struggle with embarrassment issues in front of him sometimes). But I know he is there and wants to help me fight this addiction.

What do we need to watch for? Everything. Cause anything can do it. Prayer is always a good tool, support groups and phone calls work to. We are at battle with our minds and our bodies. Victory is possible. Victory through Christ is the best course of action of course, but just try to get to victory somehow and don't let your mind and body win. Distract yourselves if you can, pray, go someplace different to avoid arousing reaction. Just do something.

Jesus is the great counselor and he will help you. Something to think about though, it is a short time we are on this earth and in the end we release the spirit God has placed within us. We need to honor that spirit now and protect it from evil as we ask to protect us from evil. Evil may be a strong word to some but seriously, is there anything wholesome about sexual addiction and all of its avenues? Not really.

So in conclusion just remember your mind can be your best friend and weapon or it can be your most bitter enemy. Recall something different and if you don't succeed try again. Pray and talk.
Protect and ask for protection. Jesus is there for you, He always will be.

Double Life

Today is a day where work is being paid off. I am being given a second chance to do things right. Many have said to me, "it is truley a miracle she is even talking to you and not off with someone else." She herself has said she had a chance to pursue someone different and was tempted to do so. That she was ready to move on. She very well could have and would have been perfectly justified in pursuing another man. However, she held on and waited to see what God was building in a little efficiency apartment in the ghetto side of town. He was building a man with a purpose and teaching me to love Christ, myself and my soon to be wife again. He worked through the day and all through the night. He worked weekends and holidays without fail. His work isn't done and I'm not foolish enough to think it is. But His new creation is ready to be transported to a different facility.

The marriage that I entered into was not presented to the Kingdom honestly. It was not fully disclosed to those close to it. I manipulated my way in and gave limited amounts of information to her so she wouldn't say no to marrying me the first time. She didn't know I was still married during our engagement and didn't know I didn't get divorced from my first wife till 3 months before our scheduled wedding date. There were a lot of things that she was not told, lies that flowed out of my mouth like one big river of deception. As well as not knowing she had a husband living two different lives under one roof. I literally picked my addiction over her sometimes and gave my loyalty to lust instead of my wife. Anger and resentment manifested itself over a period of time and I did everything I could legal and sometimes illegal to make myself feel better.

Now don't get me wrong through it all I loved her dearly. Still do. But my fellow addicts as you know, love to us can be a double edged sword sometimes. It is the one thing that helps us feel normal. To love and be loved. Its natural. However, sometimes when it interfers with our addiction, one side of that sword can cut us deep and cause a major pain and damage. Yet we go out and not only try to fill the emptiness we feel, but also try to numb the pain of confusion, anger, resentment, shame, unworthiness and failure. Then when it is all done or we are fighting not acting out, we rely on the other side of sword to keep us safe and protect us. Yes we want our cake and eat it to. Thats what was so hard about being married before and why I acted out in the ways I did, sometimes I didn't know what side of sword was which. Thats gets confusing at times for me anyway. Sometimes it felt like I was swinging that sword around in the air. Just like the kid playing in the back yard, pretending to be someone he is not.

Double lives are horribly painful and extremly difficult. For me I walked in world I did not feel apart of. The goodness available was not available to me. I felt like a thief for many years that has broke into a heart and stole happiness. To myself, I had an inner battle of knowing who I want to be, who I was deep down and the surface me who was the great pretender. I did experience happiness, I really did. Just somedays as I said, I felt like a thief getting it.

I have had the oppurtunity since I asked Christ to be my savior to sit back and observe life and go after happiness guilt free. For example tonight I was picking up dinner from a little place downtown. I walked out into the chilly, damp night with my hot food in my hands and was just struck right in my heart by what I saw. To many, the Christmas decorations that lined the streets are really nothing. I get that. Not to me tonight though. I witnessed the meanings behind them. These are things that represent family, Love, a time to celebrate God and this is the time of year where children remind us it is ok to beleive in something. That is what those decorations meant to me. I praise God for reminding me these are the good things He offers to me, and wants me to have. That despite my addiction to sex and the sins Lust has caused me to perform, that he still wants it for me and for us all. God gave us Hope, Faith, and Love the three true gifts that we will recieve this year from our God. He wants to keep giving those gifts till we have an abundant supply. Even then he will want us to have more.

Jesus took the beatings for our sins, his blood washed away the evil we have done and caused, and he merely asks we believe in him and repent for our sins. It is by his sacrifice we are saved and will live forever in a Kingdom where all its residents love us and we can love them back. That is a gift that can never be taken away and a debt that we can never repay.

Repentance is not the "R" word, it gets a bad wrap and offends quite a few people. But let us take a look at it differently. Jesus says "Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand" you can find this in the sermon on the mount texts. I dont have my Bible in front of me or I would quote where exactly. But he meant wash yourselfs of sins you have done, not only once but many times. I believe this is meant to keep us from building shame in ourselves which steers us away from the Kingdom and the good it has to offer. The Kingdom is available on Earth. So just like you take a shower everyday and wash away the old dirt from the day before, Jesus wants us to wash away the spiritual dirt on a regular basis. He only asks we try not to get as dirty next time. That is what repentance is all about, its making ourselves clean enough to stand in the presence of God and bring him Glory through our actions that are a result of the Spirit he places within us.

So you see how a double life and not loving honestly can keep you away from His goodness and love. satan thrives on double lives. That son of pickle eater sits backs and thumbs his nose at God himself when he turns someone and ruins another. Just like sheep in a field, satan can heard us torward doing bad and return us to the pasture before the shepard even realizes we wandered off. (I.e. covering your tracks with a loved one). Think about where you at and whether or not you want to live a life filled with good or a double life filled with bad. I know you don't want to, but just know that it is possible to live different. Jesus will help you, support groups will help you, I will help you, Pastors, Priests, counselors, you name it help is available. Don't do it as long as I did, please save yourselfs from that hell. Simply pray the prayer I did or your own version of it, "Jesus be my Savior, I am tired and can't do it anymore. I ask for forgiveness of my sins and ask you to work in life. I believe through you, I can and will be saved, I ask this in your name."

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Care for a "Refreshment" anyone?

I'm scared. Scared that my message will get lost. I've shared a lot of who I am, where I've come from and what I've done. And I have a lot more to share. But I don't want the ultimate message to get lost. So here is the "refresher": The message is that I'm a recovering sex addict who's a new creation in Christ. He is helping me and it needs to get talked about. I feel this is the message he has given me to spread. That with him all things are possible. After many prayerful nights, I firmly believe that God is using my life for His purpose through not just this blog, but through reaching out to others who are suffering from sex addiction. I am a recovering sex addict with an active addiction of over 31 years.

God kept talking to me as my 2nd marriage collapsed and my life in general collapsed around me. I refused to listen and just did not want to do what he was calling me to do. His calling to me was to help others with this addiction to sex. After my life before me disappeared, due to my own choices, I finally decided to start a Sex Addicts Anonymous group. I set out and tried to find a meeting place. Guess what happened then? C'mon, guess? Yes! I was stereotyped "the dirty bookshop child molester". I ran into resistance with Churches, community organizations, as well as insurance companies when trying to get a Liability certificate to hold a meeting. Even the public library didn't want us to be in their building (which is ironic- they didn't want a group for those seeking recovery from this illness, however, they will allow ANYONE to visit ANY website, including illegal porn sites. But they were more worried about having a group seeking recovery. Funny). Fools, don't they know they were dealing with the God of the universe. When He has a purpose in mind, God is unstoppable by Liability certificates and stereotypes; His Will Be Done. This was and is, His group. Finally, one person said "we (the community) need this" and provided me space. To that man I say, "thank you".

Yes, we do need an open forum for this disease, whether be in person or on the Internet like this. This addiction needs to be talked about openly. It sits in offices, living rooms, bedrooms, computers, motel rooms all around the world, slowly and effectively destroying souls. There is an elephant in the room. And it needs to be named for what it is; sexual addiction. It is present and needs talked about. That is why I am doing this. I am trying to encourage others to have the courage to get better.

The national average, just among christian men alone, is about 1 in 3 suffer from some sort of sexual addiction and 1 out of 5 christian women suffer from the same. That is just the Christian community. Agnostics, Catholics, Jews, Buddhists, Scientologists, Atheists, and those with any other religious affiliation suffer from this disease. We need to have an open dialogue on this.

I have revealed extra marital affairs, masturbation, porn shops, strip clubs, prostitutes, same sex sex, and Internet addiction as all being a problem. For years, I believed there was no hope. Others I have met express the same hopelessness. But hope is here now in a God that loves and forgives us. Hope is here in a living God that is forever faithful even when we are not. Seek out Hope, seek His mercy, His love and His forgiveness. Together, we can claim healing and victory over this devastating disease.

It is my hope to spread the word of Jesus Christ and give him the credit and the glory for all that comes out of this. He has given me the gift of a second chance to do my marriage right, and with his words, hopefully inspire recovery in others So to the Lord Jesus I say, "Jesus thank you for providing me with the opportunity to speak about this and an opportunity to find hope and healing in this journey of recovery. I pray others will find you and hope in your grace to heal their wounds from the destruction of this disease, having the courage to begin their own journey of recovery."

I have been there, to the dangerous levels this disease can take you to and obviously came out alive and able to tell the tale. This is why I write this. I pray for you to get better, truly better. Jesus loves us and wishes nothing but the best for us. And as he said in In Matthew 9:37-38 "It is not the healthy that need doctors, but the sick. But go and learn what this means. I desire Mercy not sacrifice. For I have come to call the sinners not the righteous." He will be there for you in the night or wherever you are at. Remember help is a prayer away.

Let God be the engineer today.

Isaiah 65:1 the Lord says: "I was ready to respond but no one asked for help. I was ready to be found but no one was looking for me. I said here I am here I am! to a nation that did not call on my name." He goes on to talk further about his people and the hurt that he feels about it. His words turn to anger later in the passage and then like the true God he is, the chapter ends in Mercy. He knows there are righteous people and seeks not to destroy his true servants.

This my friends is the message that will save us from ourselves. God wants us to call on him, he clearly states he needs us, he needs to help us, he screams at us here I am! He wants us to be with him and need him. We need to know that God will love us and he wants to love us through our troubles.

I must admit today's message was a bit foggy as to what to talk about. However, it makes sense to me now. I was reading my guest writers message and the hurt that I caused. The pain was so clear. The worry so defined and the anger so evident. That passage from Isaiah could have been my guest writer talking about me. And in the end of that message just like God, mercy prevails because I am loved.

Yes everything they said is true and accurate. But I must admit reading the desperation and remembering the times she did those things was just very hard. She would say I want you to FIGHT for me! But I was fighting for my addiction. That train was not going to slow down, because as much as I tried to hit the brakes on it, I would then stand on the throttle much more. That was a very accurate picture. Yet through it all she still loves me. God has given me another chance and so has she. So I am going to take them and try to do it right.

I am letting God work on me and I am craving his work. He his the Truth, the Light and the Way. God has demonstrated to me many times that I have called on Him and he was there. He is not going anywhere now. He has found me as I have found him and He will stay with me. Call on him, he is yelling to you Here I am! Here I am! Find him and be lost no more.

You guys know as well as I do, that this addiction will ruin you and every relationship you have. You got the other side of the story. The loved ones in your life are trying to do the same things she did with me. Recognize it, seize the moments and call on Jesus to be your Savior, like my counselor said me, "once you are in the family buddy you are in. There is no getting out." Translation, Jesus isn't gonna forsake you, he will transform you.

IT is possible, it is your choice and it will change you. Do you want it? Ask for it. God will be there and will answer you. Just don't let the train build speed because it always wrecks when it goes to fast and it destroys a lot when it does.

The Other Side

Today's guest writer is a very dear friend and love of my life...my other side if you will.

There have been many times when I would speak to myself or to close friends and family, telling them, "this is not the path I would have chosen (had I known where it was going to lead)". I would say loving a sex addict is one of the hardest things to do, but it's not. Loving an addict is quite easy. They're not much different than you or I. They laugh, they cry, they hurt, they bleed, they get angry, they empathize, and sometimes, they even love you back. But they do these things in their own special way. Until they choose recovery, it is often done in an attempt to manipulate you and life to get what they want and so that they are not taken out of their comfort zone. I say this with the blessing of my love, my sex addict. He will be the first to say that while parts of what he gave me of himself were genuine and as sincere as he was capable of at the time, most things were to manipulate. Ouch! Those are not the words people long to hear being whispered in their ears.

By nature, all addictions are selfish. There is no room for anyone else in them. Any and every outsider to the addiction itself is a threat and therefore, must be protected against. With this in mind, the addict will do many things to self preserve: lie, cheat, sneak, manipulate, commit fraud, cover, and then lie, cheat, sneak, manipulate, commit fraud, and cover some more. An active addict does not pause long enough to look at the other side of their addiction- how it is impacting those around them.

Living on the other side can be horrific. It is the proverbial watching a train wreck and not being able to do anything to stop it. We try to stop it, but we fail. Because we do not comprehend that this disease is a fast moving locomotive that will flatten and disintegrate anything in it's path. We think "I'll scream so loud it will have to stop", or "I'll throw something at it to get it's attention; then it will listen to me and hear that what I'm saying makes sense. Then it will stop", or "I'll just stand in front of it, surely if it loves me, it will stop before it hits me". As we read these sentences and picture ourselves trying to stop a train, we chuckle. "Well the train can't hear you over it's engine", or "Throwing something at it will be as effective at throwing a gnat at it!", or "Who steps in front of a charging locomotive?!". We understand reading this that these ideas are nothing if not more than a bit ridiculous. And yet, how many of us have done this with the addict.
* "HOW COULD YOU SPEND $200 ON PORN?!!!!?" we yell hoping the louder we speak, the more they will hear and stop.

*"That's fine, go ahead and spend your time on the Internet, I'm going to dinner with my friend Kirk/Kathy, that just moved back to town" we say in hopes that this will catch his/her attention and get them to realize what they are doing.

*"I got rid of the computer, cable, and froze all of our bank accounts. Anything you need from now on will have to go through me first. I'm doing this for your own good. We are going to beat this addiction together" and we expect this will solve the problem, but instead we've only created a small speed bump. Any addict worth his weight in gold will find a way to get their fix.

So what do we do when we are watching a disease claim our loved one, destroy our relationships, and create chaos, if we have no way to stop it? We pray.

We pray. First, for ourselves. We pray for God's guidance and to hold us so close we can see and hear nothing else but Him.

Second, we pray for our hearts. That God will not let anger, bitterness, and spite take root in our heart, and that he would allow us to feel what we need in order to heal.

Third, we pray for forgiveness, for ourselves. We must acknowledge areas of sin in our own lives before we can even fathom looking at the sins of others. And healing from sexual addiction, on both sides, is going to require owning up to our own sins, asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness. We can not do that if our own hearts are unclean. God clearly lays this out for us in John 8: 7: "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." In Romans 3:23, we are reminded "we have all sinned and fall short of His glory".

Fourth, we pray that God and His Holy Spirit will guide us through forgiving others, specifically, the sex addict in our life. We are called to love as Christ has loved us, and to forgive as we have been forgiven (Luke 6:37-"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."). But this is not forgiving someone for accidentally bumping into on the elevator, or forgiving someone a harsh tone. This kind of big, life altering, supernatural forgiveness can only come from knowing God's forgiveness for your sins, and asking Him to pass it on through you.

I did not know the man I married. I knew who he wanted me to know him as. I knew him as a loving, gentle, honest, hardworking, generous man who had been divorced for sometime and had a horrible memory. What I didn't know is that I was the other woman. I didn't know he was living with his wife and she just happened to not be home the night he brought me to his apartment for dinner. I didn't know that mere seconds after leaving the side of his hospital bed, his wife was coming in behind me. I didn't know that he knew where all the drug dealers and prostitutes worked because he frequented them; I assumed he was telling me the truth and it was because of his years driving a metro bus and living in the big city. I didn't know he was married for the first 25 months of the 28 months we dated before our wedding day. There were many other painful realizations to come. This, was the other side of his addiction. The part that hurt me. And I was ANGRY!

But God worked in my heart and I have forgiven him. I forgive him for the lies, betrayal, manipulation, behavior, and lack of regard for my well being. He wanted a way out, and God gave him me. Not a path I would have chosen on purpose, but a path I now walk with honor. God knitted me in my mother's womb to be what my love needed. Then, He gave me life experiences to strengthen me and give me what I would need to love. And when I thought He had forsaken me, He gave me hope for a future beyond what I ever asked for. Because He forgave me, because He loved me- I am able to love and forgive from the other side. And I am so glad that's where I am.

(Wall)y World!

Today is the 20th anniversary of The Berlin Wall coming down. I remember watching that on tv and just the awe that people including myself had, knowing we are witnessing a piece of world history that will change lives forever. Now it is just a memory to the old and a history story to the young. But lives are changed now.

The same thing is happening in Jerusalem there is wall now separating people and keeping families apart. The same city that Christ himself walked into and gave his life freely to save mankind from ourselves. Now is a political city that segregates on nationality and religion. I read an article about the Jewish and Muslims walking the streets of old Jerusalem honoring and retracing the steps of Christ. That they are seeking him and they are being persecuted for it. I don't know a lot behind the reasons this course of action was taken with this wall, but yes people need passports from the other side of the west bank to enter the city.

These are walls you can see but what about the ones you can't? Lets face facts we are Addicts.

We have engineered some of the strongest walls in history. We put up walls to keep out God, people and emotions. We live under the assumption that if these walls are compromised we must protect them at all cost. And we do. These walls are deceptively nurturing, safe, and familiar. My walls protected me from abuse and the pain that went along with it. They went up when presented with controversy or honesty. Any emotions that were felt that weren't pleasant, I started to wall them up and shut them off. This is how we live, protection of ourselves and our addictions. My walls at times, if you put them on a map, would look like a city. I had so many things to protect against, so many feelings to keep out, and so many people to shut out that I constructed a virtual fortress. So I thought. God was stronger than any wall I ever put up. Jesus walked up to some of my walls and blew them down with his words. I eventually got to the point where I got tired of him blowing down my walls and just asked him inside. I'm so glad I did that because my city is much prettier without all those walls in the way.

I am not saying that I have no walls left; some are still standing and sometimes I run to get bricks to start building again. But thankfully Jesus says to me, "alright you can build it, I will let you but I am gonna talk to you while you do it" and that stops me from wanting to build that wall again. Other days he walks with me to the ones that are still standing and helps take a few bricks down.

What walls do you have up? So what areas of your life do you have walled up? What goes on behind those walls? Do you feel good about what happens within them? I think the answer to that last question is you probably don't feel good about it. I never did. The battle to preserve and protect got more draining and stressful. Jesus is standing outside to be let in. He is not going to poll vault himself in there. But take it from a guy who has been building walls for years, it is much more peaceful to let Him in and to let others in. It is impossible for a city of 1 to survive and flourish. Let those who love you in. You might be surprised. That is your decision, of course, but it has made a significant difference in my life to allow visitors inside the walls. It has made a significant difference to let Jesus inside my walls and allow him to blow them down or help me dismantle them.

I won't lie, it is scary and it is hard. But it is very rewarding. Like I said, I am not perfect, far from it, but I am trying. My walls did me more harm than good and the cost I and others in my life paid was great. Those walls do NOT come without a substantial price. Ask God for his help to take them down. Try it- you might like it. Isn't that one of our credos as addicts anyway? Try something different and see what happens. Cities of 1 die quick and their memories fade fast.

.....and the greatest of these is love.

The bible says God gave us three gifts: Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest of these is Love. This is very true, love is the Greatest gift ever. Whether it be from God, your significant other, a child, your family or even the dog. We as humans beings desire this the most. A lot of us search so long and hard for it, that it can steer away from being the greatest gift to being the worst nightmare you can imagine. It seems to me that if you talk with a sex addict, they will mention at some point in the conversation not feeling loved or having a very hard time loving somebody.
It is inevitable that this point causes some of their actions (mine included).

I didn't feel loved for a good majority of my life. I knew I was loved but I didn't feel loved. Confusing? I thought so. Till I realized I didn't feel loved because I didn't think I was worthy of love. This feeling caused me to seek out love I could feel good about. This is where its gets more confusing. A majority of people not just sex addicts struggle with love quite a bit. We have our own versions of it; what it should be like, who it should be with, the way that person is supposed to act, the things we are supposed to be told by people who love us. If it doesn't match what are mind has we don't feel it. That person(s) may say "I love you" but it just isn't being felt.

Then we have the other side of the coin where we don't know how to love. It scares the heck out of us. In loving we are vulnerable, accountable, responsible, and tied to. Those are very very scary words to an addict. That is just NOT going to do. We want Burger King love; our way right away. This develops control issues, lies, and secrets. We will dictate who love us and what they know so they will love us the way we want. In doing so we can love them back under a veil of what we have set as the rules in a relationship. That is how we love.

In continuing with our dysfunctional life there are those to who just will not love anyone or be loved. Because they worry of the hurts they cause people or have just plain given up on feeling worthy of love. That leads to all the bad situations we as sex addicts place ourselves in as well.

So whether we don't feel loved, can't love, are searching for love, or feel we shouldn't be loved at all, we all can relate somehow to any part of this. My story touchs on every single aspect I have talked about at one point or another. Causing the major dysfunction I have lived in for years. But let me tell you guys something that should be a comfort to you: "God so loved the world he gave his only son" John 3:16 God knows how to love you, he wants to love you, he doesn't care who you think you are, what you have done, who you have been with, what gender you are, what financial status you have, or even what your social status is. He loves everyone from the President to the junkie! And he loves them both the same. It took me over 37 years to wrap my head around this, but now I want EVERYONE TO KNOW THE TRUTH! We are loved perfectly by only one being in the entire universe. The God who created every single molecule that formed a universe unmeasurable by any human instrument, knows who YOU are, where you live, what your room looks like and knows your heart better than you do. Than we all do. Search for his love, start loving him. HE accepts you for who you are and is so very in love with you.

Rejoice my fellow addicts we have found what we have needed. The only thing we will ever need till time is no more for us; GODS' LOVE. Cultivate that relationship. I can't begin to tell you how much my accepting Gods' love has done for me. I want the same for you. Accept the perfect love that is so clearly laid at your feet. Love is available to you, you are Gods child.

Whatever trips your "trigger"

Sex addiction is clinically classified as a "Process Addiction". I learned this because I spent 42 days in a treatment facility working on my sexual addiction as well as drug and alcohol issues. But in my sex addiction treatment I was informed what a process addiction is. It starts with a trigger. Triggers can be emotions, memories, people, pictures, objects.....the list can keep going. Essentially triggers are what ever sets you off into to destructive patterns. Once we feel it we have to have it. We start to plan, we begin to set things in place that will cover us, we start to act, we become so focused that life is about the gratification of that need. We really get a lot out of this feeling. Almost like we want to feed off it. It is the obtaining that creates a bigger high than actually getting it. For me it was all the steps leading to sex. After awhile it wasn't necessarily even the sex because it all felt the same for the most part. However, after the sex, or obtaining the porn, or going to that club..I was still left with me. Just more ashamed and feeling more desperate which in turn caused me to want to get the high going again to avoid feeling those negative feelings. Thus the "Process" started all over again.

Tonight I watched a video tape of VH1's celebrity sex rehab. I got triggered and I had a hard time staying focused on what the problems of the people were. I remember getting angry with them for showing the images they did. I thought to myself "are you kidding me?...You can cover images with a computer all you want, I still know what it is". Then the people showing their personal lives before rehab. The sex parties, the toys. I thought "C'MON!" It is a wonderful idea they have and I truly hope that the participants get alot out of the treatment they receive. I just thought alot of the content, the commercials, and the PG Porn was in rather poor taste. This disease takes alot from the average individual not just the celebrities. I would like to see true revealing symptoms that all can relate to and get something from for their own recovery.

Just be careful of your triggers. Because if you don't the whole world can come down on you quick in a great deal of ways. Whether it be just negative emotions or full blown acting out. They are dangerous and need to be labeled and watched for. I failed tonight and it caused me to act in such a way that was counter productive to my recovery.

The world is out there full of triggers. Triggers that will take us down if we choose to pull them. The truth is, God created sex and all if it's wonders. But with this gift, he also gave us boundaries in which to engage in it, the last thing we should do when attempting to enjoy this gift is shoot our foot by pulling our "trigger". We can honor God and bring glory to His Kingdom by walking away from our triggers and seeking His deliverance.

What has your temple weathered?

The bible says our bodies are the temples for the Holy Spirit. That we must keep the temple sacred. For the longest time, as naive as it sounds, I didn't understand as most didn't when he said it, " I will rebuild the Temple in three days". The temple was his body as he rose again on third day. Giving us new life and those who believe, everlasting life! That was greatest gift ever given to man. So what has your Temple been through?

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says: Run from sexual sin. No other sin clearly affects the body as this one does For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don't you realize that your body is the temple of Holy Spirit in you and was given to you by God. You do not belong to yourself for God bought you at a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

That is a hard thing to keep in mind while our addiction to Sex flows through our veins and we seek the gratification we so desperately want. Yes I have been there. My addiction to sex has put my Temple through a great many storms.

I have thought hard about the consequences endured to 30 years of sexual addiction. My Temple needs cleaned and cleared out. The clinical, legal, physical and emotional consequences I have suffered have been: Lost jobs, screwed up relationships, put my self in risk of jail by stealing money and soliciting prostitutes, I have betrayed many close to me, divorce, had depression, felt hopeless and attempted suicide 4 times. I had money stolen from me by force and by threat of force. I have ruined myself financially, had anger and anxiety issues, very low self esteem and body hatred. I lived in fear of STD's and put others at risk of getting ST D's, sexual identity problems, control issues, family problems and I even have injured myself through various forms of new masturbation.

Spiritually my Temple has been affected as well: I have felt set apart from the Kingdom, unworthy of God's love. Anger at God. I have lived in fear of hell ( if I die today where I am going ?) those type of thoughts. I have felt dirty in Church and felt envious of others for the well put togetherness. I have had times where I couldn't pray because I felt unworthy to talk to God. My Spirit has experienced selfishness and self righteousness. I thought to myself I have broke all but 1 of the big ten commandments and broke all the 7 deadly sins. My Temple thought for the longest time it stand a chance. So I filled it with Garbage. My Temple was a sexual cess pool and it literally choked the spiritual life right out of it. I even tried at one point making deals with the devil to justify what I was doing. I felt I didn't stand a chance with Heaven may as well get a good spot in hell. I have said things to satan like, "if you give me this I will be in debt to you. (mortal danger) scary stuff folks.

We are here for a short time, one time to get it right. God has given us an instruction manual on how to do it. We face a fierce and determined enemy who will kill you and wants to so badly. Our disease is the weapon he is using against us. But all things are possible through Jesus Christ. The work he is doing in me is amazing to me. The craziness is fading, the habits are changing, the desires he is taking away one at time. Sexual addiction is powerful, determined, and very very misleading. Stand strong stay close to God. The days where it is harder or temptation is to great stand CLOSER! Your not going to succeed every time its just the odds. But the further you walk with Jesus the more victories you have over satan then he does over you. It will get better.

SO open your Temple back up to the rightful owner; God. Put extra guards on duty to keep satan out of your Temple. Restore it to the beautiful place God made. I will struggle and fight with you and for you. My battle still goes on but my victories are greater and my Temple is cleaner.

Choices

The entire world is based on choices. Sanyo vs Sony. Ford or Chevy. Meat or chicken. Everything is a choice. Good vs evil (choice). What are we choosing? I chose prostitutes, strip clubs, pornography, one night stands and masturbation over my signifigant others. Over God. Over my self esteem and over my own moral codes that God has placed in me. My choices have put me and others at risk. Have just created a whole slew of emotional damage to loved ones and myself.

So why do I bring this up today? First I must apologize for going so long between posts. I was working and an extrodinary amount of hours and chose sleep. That would cut me short of time for this. Therefore, this ministry suffered because I chose to be selfish. But to answer that question of why I bring this up is; today I was presented a problem that overwhelmed me. I prayed over it, stressed over it, and just felt confused about what to do with this problem. The answer came to me that, "he must choose to come to me and get better. I don't want him or you drug to me. I want people to come by choice. That is the only way to truely help them and you. I felt refreshed after that. Because as always Jesus is right (he has a tendancy to have the right answer quite often). I can offer this man a choice he has to make everytime he wants to act out. Just like I have one. But God will work in the willing so I hope I heard the plan right. The plan being, to offer this man God every time.

We must have to ask ourselves when we decide to act out, do I want Jesus or this? He will let you choose. Just remember Jesus offers more than satan. Jesus can give you freedom and satan can take it away. It is a tough choice somedays because we get so driven on the pleasure, but there is hope. It will get easier. So here is what I do. I keep my bible close and my radio on the Christian station, thats why I have Jesus close. If I choose to act out I am choosing that over the Almighty and somedays I do. But those days are getting less and Jesus remains close to me because he knows my desire to be a better man.

Hard facts

I read a news letter that I subscribe to today. It is a news letter that is from a sexual addiction clinic out in Colorado. It is called the Heart To Heart news letter. They asked the question, what has your addiction cost you financially? They went on to give a list of things that we needed to consider. Gas, on-line subscriptions, video rental rates, food during acting out, working at jobs that better fit our needs for the addiction ( so loss of income potential) things like that. They said the average lifetime cost to the average addict is close to $250,000.00 dollars for an untreated addiction to sex. I believe that because as I read down the list of things to consider I kept saying, "yep been there, yep done that". This costs us so many things.

However, you know these things but lets take a look at a couple things we don't think about. We get aroused by the girls or guys (whatever gender or preference you are) that we see on the screen or in magazines. But they aren't people. They are objects of our desire. They are our fantasy, they are our secret control. But they are people. For example there was a 19 year old college student in Texas that went to a porn shoot to earn extra money to help her pay her bills. She was drugged, raped, forced into acts that completely humiliated her in a room full of people she didn't know. That girl shot herself in the head in her dorm room. Her note spoke of the depression and pain of that afternoon. A porn star that's named Heather, as I read, was getting out of the business and just couldn't take the pain of her years of being used and hung herself. Another killed themselves because it broke her marriage apart. Many of them get addicted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of the humiliation. Girls and guys have reported internal tearing of rectums, others had to get surgeries done on vaginal canals, others have bled to death on internal bleeding of body parts that were damaged by getting the "good shot" so you and I can get some enjoyment.

satan is alive and well in the porn and sex business. He not only gets to take shots at the Kingdom, but he gets to watch suffering first hand without having to administer it. Homeless kids, prostitutes, runaways, single moms, children, slave traders, refugees, illegal aliens, drug addicts, alcoholics, and even your suburban mom. All being used, beaten, raped, humiliated, and any other form of suffering you can think of. All for our enjoyment.

So an amazing fact I ran across. I had five sexual keyword typed into a search engine. The total websites available containing these keywords was 1,237,100,000. THATS BILLION folks. So we have to ask ourselves what is our son or daughter doing for money? What about our girlfriend or wife? Porn sites and strip clubs operate in towns all over this country. Especially in the college towns. Because these bastards know that college kids need money. Who is looking at our loved one, like we looked at someone elses. They are not gonna say they are doing that, just we like we don't say we are addicted to looking at it. The secrets continue and satan is loving the "hell" out of it.

One final fact, at a porn convention the average attendance is approx. 60,000 people. All lined up to enter one building in one weekend. How many Church's have 60,000 people waiting to get into it in one weekend?

Doin' Time

If you are sex addict of my type, perhaps your body and your mind have felt like they are holding your spirit prisoner. Paul said "that it is sin that lives within us that make us break the law" ( law being what God has set forth as good actions). But it is tough, I am not going to lie. I have had times where I just hate my body (one part specifically) because it is that part that has participated in some of my greatest sins. My mind gets to going and and my body reacts. Or my eyes see something or someone, that gets the mind going, that gets the body going and so on till I act out. Not that this process is unusual to anyone but it is what we do with it and how we feel afterward that causes the greatest squashing of the spirit within us.

Some sex addicts really detest parts of their body and oddly enough even though they hate that part, it is the one given the most attention to. For me it determined my loyalties at times, spent my money, got me less sleep, meals were not properly eaten on a regular basis, caused me to lie and manipulate. My mind was no more innocent for it caused the same thing and alot of times both of them worked together. My spirit was witnessing these things and longed for God but my mind and my body kept it away from him. (This is a very hard point to get across, so I hope I am making sense).

1Corinthians Chapter 12 speaks of the body. Verse 26 speaks directly to this point: "if one part suffers, all parts suffer with it. And if one part is honored all parts are glad." I think this is a very good illustration of the addictive process. When we feel wound and aroused, we seek to relieve ourselves because the feeling is to unbearable to manage. The mind and the body are suffering then. All things are not important except one, that is relief. We let our entire body suffer wether it be lack of sleep, hunger, pain or anything else. We need to act out. We do and all feels better. So you can see how this addiction to sex can stifle the spirit and all the good things God wants for us.

So in conclusion, let my personal testimony to this be this: "My spirit has felt chained up and trying to break free, while my mind and body mock it and humiliate it. God has brought me a cake with a file in it and my spirit is loosening its chains now." The God head, Father, Son and Spirit are working together and will work together with you to help us get free. Jesus lets us know that help is on the way.

Feeling set apart

I sat in a restaurant today, a beautiful little Italian place. The place was warm and the smells of garlic and spices filled the air. Outside the weather was cold and drizzling. But people sat at their tables with smiles and talking to just talk. I sat and watched all this and was feeling pretty good as I waited for my person to join me. Then this feeling overcame me, that general feeling of dirtiness I get. I felt like an outsider all of a sudden. Like I had this horrible thing that would never be understood and I wouldn't ever be one of those happy bistro people.

Now keep in mind I am not on a pity pot about this. This is a feeling that I have felt for a very long time in movies, church, restaurants, doctors offices, oh I guess anywhere that is not my home. I have gotten used to it popping up. The difference today was I asked myself what is going on? There is not a reason I should feel this way. Why does it happen to me when I am feeling joy in these places? Satan was robbing me and I this time I knew it. So I made it a conscious effort to enjoy the warmth, the old Italian pictures, watching the kid play his hand held video game. I listened to the young 20 something couple talk about the facebook site they were on with their cell phone. I watched the kitchen staff. Then my lunch partner joined me and we were on to different conversation.

This still made me wonder as I sat down to write this. I actually just got back from taking a cigarette break for more reflection. I read one time that Jesus lives outside of time and he can take you back to those exact moments. My counselor is actually trying to do that with me about a block I have from childhood. But the first time I remember having that set apart feeling, other than with my family, was at birthday party in third grade. I walked in their feeling aroused. I wanted to have sex with my host. So I did bump into them "accidentally", stupid things like that for contact. The more that I did that, the more I felt dirty and not normal, "set apart".

This is how satan separates us from each other. He or one of his millions of workers tells us we are not good enough, that we are disgusting people because of our secrets, he amplifies the good in others while pointing out your bad at the same time. No wonder there are anxiety and depression problems in the world. The guys down below are working overtime. Corrupting souls all over the planet. Don't feel set apart, believe me I know its easier said than done or I wouldn't of struggled with it today. But realizing what satans works was doing to me helped me realize that I am a new creation in Christ and the warmth and security he offers makes me worthy enough to be a human being, and be able to enjoy all the little pleasures he gives us. If you read the bible about some of the parties he attended, Christ was the life of the party. He loved community and being apart of dinner situations and just being with people. Their are many stories of this in the bible. He wants us to enjoy each other and be a part of community. Just try and remember, as I am going to try and remember, by ourselves we are no match for satan. With Christ we are safe. As my counselor put it one time, "you may be bothered by satans friends but I want to send you out in the world today with my really big friend". Go with Christ to the movies or dinner or wherever else. As sex addicts we have a lot of reasons to feel set apart from everyone else. We don't have to be. It is not easy and takes conscious effort on our part. But remember Christ likes social situations, call on him and invite him. He will come. He loves his children and being with them.

Can you keep a secret?

I thought I could. Oh yes, for years spanning more than two decades, I kept sexual secrets. I hid people from people, I hid money, living situations, materials, receipts. I spoke the words that made those around me believe I was such an outstanding person. "If only they knew " I thought. Some secrets I kept out of shame, some out of ego, and others out of issues of control. Some just kept as a mental drug that I could take whenever and wherever I wanted.

But as you may have already guessed, those secrets came out. It hurt alot of people when they did. I have seen tears from both of my wives, that can be so extremely rough, you just want to crawl under a rock. My mother crying saying "she had no idea and what did she do or didn't do?" My father and brothers shocked. I have limitations put on me right now by family members to prevent creating more secrets. Now keep in mind I am not upset with this, hurt and embarrassed at some of these things sure. However, initially my feelings were anger at those people. For I had already admitted to things, just shut up and trust me already. But secrets destroy trust. You cant build a house without a strong foundation, you can only build trust with honesty. I am now at the point where I realize I am lying in the bed I made. It is not easy sometimes, but the more cleansed I get the more comfortable the bed becomes.

In Mark chapter 4, Jesus is preaching on a lake shore. People begin to gather around and Jesus crawled into a boat and began his teachings. He spoke in many parables. Later, as the day wound down, the disciples and a few people who remained were around him. One of the disciples asked why Jesus spoke in parables. Jesus replied, "You are permitted to understand the secret of the kingdom of God. But I use parables for outsiders for them to understand so that the Scriptures might be fulfilled". Jesus went on to tell them the Parable of the lamp, (Mark Chapter 4: 21-23) "would anyone light a lamp and then put it under a basket or under a bed? Of course not! A lamp is placed on a stand, where its light will shine. For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand".

Jesus is right. Of course he's right, he made us and the universe. I believe he is a very good authority on such issues. The truth he spoke centuries before our birth is still true today. I am living proof of that. I wonder what secrets you keep? Expose your secrets to the correct people and become cleansed of these shames. Sometimes it is not always the correct course of action to reveal all to a loved one, as they may become very hurt. Seek counsel on these things there are people to help. But also know there are somethings that have to be revealed to a loved one for the relationship to grow and for that other person to gain better understanding of you. DO NOT consider me an authority on this. Talk to priest or a counselor and work out these things prior to opening your mouth. But the charge Jesus puts before us, is do not live a life of secrecy. It is exhausting, it squashes the spirit within us, and sucks all joy out of your life. Jesus wants to be that Joy. Reveal your secrets to him. He already knows them anyway, so you are not going to make the KING OF KINGS go "Whoa!" He just wants to help you get better and do works through you. He is best counselor and friend you will ever have.

"American Idols"

Hosea 9:10 says, "But soon they deserted me for Baol, giving themselves to that shameful Idol. Soon they became as vile as the god they worshipped".

We as americans worship more than just God. We worship money, belongings, status, automobiles, entertainers, houses, the list can go on. However, in regards to the issue of sex we worship porn stars, we give our money to strip clubs and prostitutes and then maybe drop one or two dollars in the collection at church. The sexual idols we have (they are different for everyone) require more of us. Soon what we worship is not exciting anymore so we seek out something different, more exciting. Example: we eventually want what is on the screen so we start fantasizing about our loved one doing that, or the girls at work no one will know. Or we start thinking maybe I will just cruise down and see what the big deal is about the strip club or are there girls that will do that for $20.

Sexual gods (idols) are never content. There is ALWAYS a price great or small, financial or emotional. There is ALWAYS a price to be paid. Idols require sacrifice from us wether it be time or money. Then when we give that sacrifice our idols gently calm us for the time we are with them and they tell us they will make us feel better and feel better about ourselves. Temporarily we do, then what we worship leaves and we are left feeling shameful, bad, emotionally bankrupt, dishonest and sometimes (in my case) feeling like a disgusting person. Oh yeah, that is a god you want.

Jesus requires only faithfulness and belief. He does not take away but gives. He asks for good works that help others around us and will help us. Jesus wants you to worship him but he wants to worship you back. He loves us, he so loved us that he became flesh and suffered on a cross to save us from the very thing I talked about in the last paragraph. He offers peace not depression, he offers us love not vileness. We need him. If your gods are taking you away from the one true God, then a change is needed. Because Satan (no scratch that, I will not capitalize his name) satan wants us to turn away from Christ. He gets our worship under false names. As long as we are worshipping anything other than God than we are worshipping him.

Sexual idolatry will kill you spiritually, emotionally and physically. In Jesus Christ, we live forever.

When in "Romans"

I am a sinful man. Let me say that before I even begin this segment. You see for years I was heavily involved in Pornography, strip clubs, and prostitutes. I have given thousands and thousands of dollars to the sex industry. Hardly any to the church. Satan got more than God.
I pondered this thought today and was referred to Romans. The verse that stuck out and I believe was a message God wanted me to see was, Romans 1:32 "They know Gods justice requires those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway, worse yet they encourage others to do them too."

I am guilty of this, the more money I gave to strippers the more they compromised themselves and their integrity for me. The more I gave to porn sites the more money they had to recruit young girls who had multitudes of problems going on both emotional and financial. The more I gave prostitutes the more reason they had to keep doing what they did because it paid their bills. So I to encouraged these behaviors out of women for my own gain knowing full well it was sin, but I did not care. I wanted gratified. Yes I helped bankroll Satans work for the exploitation of women and taking shots at the Kingdom.

Now saying this I want all to know I was attacked this afternoon with memories of these encounters and became aroused. Instead of praying the euphoric recall became great and I acted out. My flesh failed today. I prayed afterward and was assured I was forgiven. However I just feel compelled to say becareful of your thoughts and it can only take a few thoughts or even just one for the "forces of the air" to jump in and corrupt your mind and turn you away from God. We are slave to sin because our flesh is weak but it is the spirit within us that helps us determine what is to be repented for. The Spirit is what is good inside of us. Paul wrote in regards to this: Romans 7:15-17 "I really dont understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it." Paul goes on to ask, if this is the case, I am such a miserable man who will free me from this, the answer is Jesus Christ will free me from my death and sin.

Keep trying I am and will help you and you can help me and Jesus will help us all. Ask for freedom from this in his name. DO NOT look down on those we exploited. Pray they get freedom from their prisons and do not do as I did, try to honor them by not re-exploiting them in your mind.

The rolling stone

Have you ever heard the phrase "a rolling stone gathers no moss"? Well in the world of addiction that really is not the case. It gathers moss till sometimes it is just this big, green, fuzzy ball knocking everything and everyone out of its way. Until it hits a wall or hits the bottom. I have run into both in my life.

The moss my disease has collected has been marital problems, marital loss, financial ruin, physical harm and or threat of harm, anger, anxiety, possibilities of legal ramifications such as prison. I was once questioned in front of my first wife by the Minneapolis Police for a rape that did not occur, but was a scorn of a person I did use while married to her. That person was her best friend and the more I denied the sex the rockier their freindship became. That person started sending hate emails and phone calls daily till we had to get a restraining order. The question my first wife asked was simply "did you guys have sex?" I just kept giving her a definite "no". She wanted to know so she could work it out with her friend. I only had to admit to it. She like a good wife stuck by her husband and took my word for it. That destroyed a friendship of over 12 years. Once denied on all fronts by the police and my wife and loosing that friendship, that person became out of control themselves and depressed. We came to find out through a family member that whole incident just absorbed that person and they started hearing voices and talking to people in the room that were not there about the incident in front of their family members. Last I heard a string of medications were being supplied to help keep them calm. I publicly denied an action of mine and that rolling stone started. I cant not take credit for the insuance of actions on their part, however had mine been different so could of the outcome I believe. Perhaps not but their is no changing history.

Who might you have affected adversely? You see it just takes one word or one secret to start something that eventually gets out of your control. I heard a saying once that said, "It only takes a second to make a mistake but can take years to correct". How true that is.

I need to make that amend through honesty now. I don't know where that person is and if they are even still alive. But I can prevent myself from lying and hopefully not start anything like that again. But to that person and my first wife I say, " Yes we did have sex and it was wrong of me to deny that. I am sorry that my actions during and after our sexual encounter led to such a chaotic situation. If you guys are still in contact I will pray that this answer comes to both of you and please forgive me for what I did to you both"

Dealing with the past

Today I had to sit and listen to how my actions affected another. Definetly one of the hard parts of recovering from an addiction. I had the initial reaction of feeling panic that something bad was going to come of it. However, God has been able to help me find the calmness to sit and listen. If the person you love and affected is still there, just know they aren't saying you are bad. They are saying what you did, not who you are hurt me. After a little talk I was able to see what one of my actions meant to the person I love. These things are ok and is part of the healing from this addiction. This is a very personal disease and has caused a great deal of pain to alot of people. My people included, wives, girlfriends, employers and co-workers, my family and friends. Because my unraveling happens in spurts and at different times with different people, all I know are eventually affected.

Sex is a major part of our world and a major part of how God made us. It is easy to get caught up in what is being presented us. Just know in recovery what your triggers (things that stir up those sexual feelings) are. Stay away from those places or things. If you must go someplace pray and be aware. Sometimes it does take hard and committed warfare to keep yourself safe. It is possible.

I will write more on Monday. Thank you and let me know if I can help or if you can be help to me.

Getting to a better place in your life

Proverbs 1:32 says "complacency is the death of fools" . Do not get stuck in a sexual rut thinking that Jesus won't help you now. I for too long thought to myself, "yeah prayer is all well and good but others haven't done what I have. I don't think God will listen to me, I am to far gone" WRONG! I still struggle to this day. Sometimes minute to minute. Some times my heart wins and other times my flesh fails. However, there is always a returning to God. Somedays I pray, "Lord Jesus please keep me from the sexual thoughts today. Protect me from myself and Satan." Simple prayer but it works. I need to say that prayer before I go to bed sometimes to so I dont act out prior to sleep. Jesus will not forsake you. Don't get stuck in a rut.

Beware of shame and Guilt. Guilt says "I did something wrong". Shame says, "there is something wrong with me". That is where Satan wants us. In Matthew 9:37-38 Jesus says, "It is not the healthy that need doctors, but the sick. But go and learn what this means. I desire Mercy not sacrifice. For I have come to call the sinners not the righteous." He will be there for you in the night or wherever you are at. Remember help is a breath away.

I struggled the other night with remembering a few hotel rooms where the Girls I was with had to do drugs just to go through with it. I helped a few of them not stumble and fall when they were done shooting up in the bathroom. They were lifeless idols that I took advantage of and left. One had her children waiting in another room. My money was helping them get fed and stay off the streets another night. I live with memories like these. I share this to show you that at the end of day struggling with these pains that God reminded me, "I am not that man anymore" yes there is repentance needed for these things, but he will be there and not forsake you.

Dont get stuck, it gets better. There is a place in your life that you can respect yourself and start to be able to give back to the ones you took from. Even if not them directly but by not doing it to someone else.

How it all began

When I was six years old I was molested by a neighbor while on a sick day from school. I did not tell anyone and drifted into my own mind after that. My family was busy dealing with an alcoholic parent and their survival (just like mine came first). My brothers didn't want to deal with me and Mom was busy trying to keep the peace. I started seeking the first phases of addiction then. I needed gratified and numbed. I saw how alcohol affected my father and I wanted the same, just sleep and not real feel anything. I didn't neccessarily like the taste but I did like the feeling it provided. Thus began my blueprint to alcoholism later in life. Masturbation was my first love and started that like drinking at age 7. By time I was in fifth grade I already been getting high for 1 and half years. Till I overdosed one night. The solution was I couldnt play with that friend whose brothers drugs I used. That was the end of story for my parents. But it was not all better, I just got better at hiding things. The masturbation got worse and so did the fantasies. I remember talking my friends sister into taking off her clothes for me and letting me touch her. That was it. It was all about the skin, the pictures, you name it after that. I began a slow but definite decent into pornography and later strippers and prostitutes. Which led me into wanting to explore all I could. My life by time I reached age 20 was getting out of control. The bad part is I was just at the beging of the chaos that would last another 18 years after that. I always wonder what if I had never been molested? Who would I be? How would I think? I have come to the realization that God is using my life for his Glory and that of the kingdom. I find solace in the fact that my life doesnt have to be for nothing. That my sins can let Jesus work miracles.

Who I am

My name is Jason and am a recovering sex addict. God is calling me to reveal my story and help others recover from their sexual addictions. To be done through the use of prayer, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, friendship and support. "we strive to gratify our minds and bodies, therefore we sin" . How true of fact this is for a person struggling from this disease. Pornography is available all over the internet. We are constantly stimulated with images in magazines, on television, billboards you name it. If sex can be sold, used for advertisement or get good ratings it will be used. Where does that leave us? In the grips of an industry that uses our weakness to line their pockets. In the weeks to come I will reveal my own story, provide scripture, uncover some devestating facts about an industry that Satan is using as a weapon against the kingdom, and most importantly am going to encourage others to share and hopefully get dialog that will help others know, that THEY ARE NOT ALONE AND JESUS DOES LOVE THEM!