Choices #2

I wrote a blog in October on choices and it talked about a man that I have not heard from since it was written. His phone is shut off and his residence has changed, therefore, I do not know what became of him. God willing he is finding some peace within himself.

This "Choices" topic gets more in depth into my story. I was sitting around today trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say about this. What would make the reader understand the message? I ran across scripture that would help and I also found another piece of the puzzle in an AA meeting tonight. The discussion topic was on the Fourth step of Alcoholics Anonymous; We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Consequently SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) has the same steps taken from AA, just rewritten for our addiction. As they will tell you, they are grateful to AA for the Gift of the twelve steps. But in the discussion we read from what they call the twelve and twelve. That is the 12 steps and 12 traditions written about indepthly. There was a line in there that described why we might make the choices we do. That was God created Man and Man has primal instincts that he naturally follows as a means of survival. Those instincts are the need for food, shelter, and sex. We as humans have to make choices to achieve fulfilling these needs. But when does it stop becoming a need and start becoming a lie. The need for sex is natural in men and women. God said, "procriate and populate the world" so he gave us sex as a means to do that. HE meant it as a gift between a "Married" man and woman and doesn't speak badly of intimacy in the marriage bed. The lie starts when the marriage bed is not enough. I will get more into that later.

Now lets talk about the choices we (I) have made in this "primal" instinct. A choice is a decision made and acted on. Right or wrong we make it and stick to it. We may feel bad about that choice afterward, even knowing that we still make the choice to act out. Why did we make the choice to begin with? That is where the lies we tell ourselves become physical truths. We (I) have acted out because of depression, lack of intimacy, boredom, anxiety, feelings of inadequecy, fear, thrill, ego, pride, passive aggressiveness, lack of control, feeling unwanted or unloved, anger and just plain stupidity because of greed to get more partners so I don't regret not getting what I can. My heart has been corrupt since the abuse as a child. I went into survival mode and stayed there for 31 years, I still struggle with it. My true heart was drowned by all the things listed above and by so many other negative things that I made the choice to let dominate me for so long.

The scripture I found spoke right to this problem. The fearless and moral inventory we have to take in looking at ourselves and the reasons we do things is spoken to directly. This is what I found. Jesus was speaking to a crowd about what defiles a heart and what breaks God's laws. He gave them a parable of Honoring your father and mother, the parable being you can't say you honor your father and mother by saying to them when they come to you in need, "I am sorry I can not help you, My money belongs to GOD." He says you have broke God's law by not honoring them with help, speaking directly to the negative choice we can make with our hearts. Later the disciples asked Him what He meant by the parable. This was His response: Mark 7:18-23; "Don't you understand either?" He asked. "Can't you see that the food you put into your body can not defile you? Food doesn't go into your heart. It goes into your stomach and then goes into the sewer. It is what comes from inside that defiles you. For from within, out of a persons heart comes evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All of these vile things comes from within, they are what defile you." I thought yeah I can relate to that. My choices to do these things came from a corrupt heart I had in my chest. My choices have come from negative places in my heart and I have to sit and really look at the reasons I have made the decisions I have mad (a fearless and moral inventory).

You see I being the sex addict of my type base my acting out primarily on emotion. Now I can act out based on one emotion and by time I set the stage and start engaging the behavior I can have a bunch of different emotions going on. An example of this is my cruising for prostitutes'. My behavior with that could start anywhere from boredom, to anger, to feeling neglected. But by time I engage in the behavior here was the typical cycle. I make the decision based on something I am feeling, then I would get excited about feeling that I am taking action to alieviate that feeling, I would cruise the area and carefully pick one, but very rarely would I pick her up right away, the reason being fear of law enforcement. So I would pull over for a little bit and watch her, I would see her go with a "date" and I waited to see if she returned. So my anxiety levels were usually pretty up there by time I picked her up. Then I would want to control the situation so I decided where we went, what she would do, I even would lie to her about how much I had to see if she would still do it. I kept making choices based on what I was feeling (i.e. a train wreck). Then the act, I would degrade her in my mind so I felt more of person than she was. I had a job look at what she is doing for a living. Sometimes if I couldn't find one I liked I would start to get angry and frustrated, I would get sloppy and make myself known. In doing so I made the choice to face getting questioned by the police, my wife asking me where I was, my marriage being in jepardy. All of these choices fueled by different emotions that would come up and starting with something wrong in my heart that God could of filled with prayer, instead I chose to let my desire for sexual acting out rule my decision making process. Sometimes I could stop, other times I could not. My heart was so full of negative feelings that nothing else could fill it up and make it ok again.

Another set of choices I made that had a negative impact was the friend of my first wifes' I had sex with. We were going through a hard time, not sexually, she was a sex addict too. But I got bored and frustrated and wanted something different. The prostitutes were fine, but I needed the next level of danger and excitement. This opportunity presented itself and I had sex with her best friend who lived next door. I wanted to have that over her. I used that person to fulfill something in me and did a great deal of damage to that friendship. But I walked around denying it happened when it came out, and that friendship dissolved right in front of me, and my wife would cry and become beside herself not knowing for sure, the friend became to say the least distraught over the denial and became angry at my wife that she was not taking their side. I became angry at that person and my pride swelled with each blow that friendship took with each no that I told her. My heart was full of negative intentions based on one emotion to start off with.

My biggest choice that did damage to me and another person is the one I made with my current wife. You see when we met, we met over a phone dateline. I was spending time at a motel because my first wife had run across a cell phone bill that I had had for my mistress at the time. She kicked me out of the house that night and I drove straight to the liquor store than to a Motel where I decided I was going to get my mistress to meet me. That didn't work out so I decided to try and find someone or at least set something up. I answered her ad and she responded. We met about one week later. During that time between contact and meeting, my first wife tried taking her life based on choices I made. It was her choice to do it but my choice for putting her in the situation. So she was in a local mental hospital under evaluation for severe depression and of course a suicide watch, while I was having lunch with her. MY mistress dumped me, because I wasn't a risk anymore. So when she got out of the hospital she went to live with her Dad in condo we were letting him rent. I started this relationship and my ex called and asked if we could still have sex. I put her off. I thought "NO I got to stop this cycle. I need to do it right". So things were good with my current wife (who was my girlfriend at the time) until one day the whole thing got put in danger. My lung collapsed and she was spending the night at my apartment. She took me to the emergency room where I was transported to a local hospital. They did surgery on me and I ended up in the intensive care unit. My wife then found out about this and wanted to come and visit me. So there was my first bottom with this disease. Laying there with a tube down my throat, heavily medicated, IV's in my arm and I am writing messages on a note pad to get one out of the room before the other comes in. That was a proud moment. Then to top it off I had my parents that showed up that witnessed the BS their son was pulling, oh they were proud of me I am sure. They didn't even know we split up till then. After I got released my first wife moved back in, and I told my current wife that my roomate and I have decided no more women at the apartment so I wouldn't risk the two of them running into each other. I kept them out of certain parts of town and different stores. That went on for about a year till I finally moved out on my own. I stayed married to her to keep her health insurance that she needed for counseling. Then my current wife and I were going to get married so I had to engage a divorce to her. We got divorced 3 months before my next marriage. So about the first year of my wife and I relationship I was married to, living with, and sleeping with another woman. That didn't not go very well at all when it all came out. It devastated her, caused her a lot of pain and led to a separation. I can't even remember half the choices I made during that time. Just the big ones. But I made choices based on lust, fear, greed. anger, anxiety, and a horribly poor sense of commitment to two women.

What choices are you making? What choices have you made? What is really in your heart? Are you defining who you are by what is going on in your heart, is that leading you? Let me tell you something from example: Jesus can take all that negative space in your heart and clean house with it. One negative thing at a time he can replace with something right and something good. Remember he said, "it is not the healthy that need Doctors, but the sick. I seek the the sinner not the righteous, but go and learn what this means, for I desire mercy." Once the process starts and you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, Savior, and Deliverer he will flush out the vileness and send it into the sewer where it belongs. He will start filling it with good and the choices you make then will be based primarily in Christ. Any decision based in that will be good and your choices will not cause the damage that can come with this addiction to sex that we have.

My prayers are with you. Jason

Boundaries

In writing this article I had to think about the definition of boundaries. Typically boundaries are lines that mark the limit of a territory. Which is what we have as people. Imaginary boundaries that mark the limits of what is ok for us emotionally and spiritually. Our boundaries can be crossed by us or allowing other to cross over them. Which in turn can cause damage to us or others. We also have a habit of trying to get other people to bring their boundaries down so we can reap the benefits. So many examples I can give on the manipulation I used to gain access to the inner borders of people I have been with. Shame on me and I know that. To those people I say: "I am heartfully sorry for putting you in the position of making a choice to allow your body to be used or to use your body to satisfy me in ways that made you feel less as a person." We as sex addicts don't think about the long term affects to our selves or other people. We focus on the here and now. We focus on the risk and sometimes the risk is the most intoxicating part of this drug we use called sex.

I want to focus on what I have given up of myself for the purpose of love, lust, and acceptance. As well as talk about what I have done to others for whatever need they were trying to fill at the time.

Before I do that though I want to share with you scripture that spoke to these very things.
2Peter chapter2: in this chapter he is talking about us and the people we deal with. I have taken various verses out of this chapter to demonstrate my point. I encourage you to read the whole thing because it spoke right to me. But without further Ado.... verse 14: They commit adultery with their eyes and their desire for sin is never satisfied. They lure unstable people into sin and they are well trained in greed." Verse 18-22: They brag about themselves with empty foolish boasting. With an appeal to twisted sexual desires, they lure back into sin those who barely escaped a lifestyle of deception. They promise freedom but they themselves are slaves of sin and corruption. For you are a slave to whatever controls you. And when people escape from the wickedness of this world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then get tangled up in sin again, they are worse off than before. It would be better for them if they had never known the way to righteousness, then know it and then reject the holy command they were given to live a holy life. They prove the truth of this proverb: A dog returns to its vomit."

Sound Harsh? Yeah I think it does. Is it wrong? No. I have been the person these verses talk about and I have spent time sexually with these people as well. But those verses speak of acts and consequences. The emotional part of this is inferred but not quoted specifically. But we know. We know it all to well. I have compromised my physical and emotional boundaries many times. I have been mugged, I have been in places where I could have lost my life, I have had a gun pointed at me. Emotionally I have let myself be used be people just for acceptance. This disease I have called "sexual addiction" has crushed my spirit. I am married and the shame I have for the man I have been is overwhelming when I look in her eyes sometimes. What better way to rid yourself of the feeling then to create another encounter or masturbate. The cycle continues.

My affairs with women occurred when, I foolishly told myself, the woman in my life was causing me stress or not giving me what I wanted. I would pick out the lower self esteemed women or be enticed by a woman giving me direct sexual innuendo's. The freedom either of those two scenario's offered was change and relief. They did not have a problem with me yet or they didn't know what my significant other knew. There has not been one single women I have been with that I have not cheated on because of that very reason. So I risked my home by getting caught, I risked my health because it would be unprotected most of the time. I completely took down the boundaries for relationships built on lies, lust, and false acceptance. My emotions would be all over the board at this point and I willing gave up myself for brief periods of something "different".

My next boundary I broke was that of making other women give up their boundaries. I listened to women cry after sex because they felt dirty. Or they would say "I can't believe I just did that". My pride would swell or my regret would cripple me and I would go so I wouldn't have to face what I just did. There have been prostitutes I have been with that needed to shoot up before they could perform sex acts on me or lay there while I performed ones on them. They told me "I can't unless I go shoot up" so I have helped them lifeless from the bathroom to my bed or a hotel bed. Their boundaries were crossed no matter what the reason they had for doing it, but I was the one that time who was using them.

Pornography, same thing, I read stories of women talking about how it makes them feel doing pornography. Shame, guilt, degraded, not feeling like a human, in a room full of men treating them like a paid animal and prop not a person. Yet I knew that and I spent a lot of time and money buying into the use of women who were faced with a choice no matter what the reason. That industry survives because of guys like me. I have heard stories of women killing themselves afterwards, internal bleeding, tearing of body parts making young teen girls unable to ever have children because I wanted the good shot. They will live the rest of their lives with the consequences and I won't even remember the five or ten minutes I spent with them in a picture or video.

I could go on. But what good would that do? If you are a sex addict then you have experienced giving up yourself and the use of others. Jesus comforts our victims and saves us from our sins. Those verses written so very long ago, speak directly to you and me today. HE offers us peace and dignity. The accepting of Him can change your heart and your mind. I struggle with these things dealing with sex daily sometimes, but little by little God is helping me beat this addiction. My desires (my heartfelt desires) now are to give back to Him who has given me so much despite myself. satan wants to crush that, he sends his workers into this world to do the garbage I talked about above. We are pawns, but rejoice my fellow addicts because through Jesus Christ we can start to inch our way off the board. Because when checkmate happens the game is over, no more time to make any other move.

So I offer this prayer to you and me. Father in Heaven, we come to you as people who have lost our way, that the forces of sin have overtaken our lives and now we can't seem to figure a way out on our own. We ask that for all who have read the message today and for the thousands and thousands of others who suffer from sexual addiction, that you begin the process of restoration. We also ask that our victims be comforted and their life start to get restored as well. We want to live in the word but just don't know how. Help us Father. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.