quitting

In his speech to resign from the Presidency, George Washington said, "Grace is knowing when it is time to leave".

Part of my addiction was the thrill and the danger of overcoming the odds. That the more I did without getting arrested or killed was just fuel to a fire that was starting to burn out of control. I am lucky to be alive today and to tell this story. I remember one night that should of been a red flag to me that it was time to address my growing problem was, I picked up a prostitute that guided me to a "good spot" and upon arrival  reached up and grabbed the keys out of my ignition. I asked what she was doing and demanded them back. She looked at me and said "see that man?", there was a man that appeared on sidewalk, He had a gun pointed directly at the car. She said "give me what you got, and don't make a move, believe me honey he ain't scared to protect me" I lost close to hundred dollars in cash and an expired credit card. She then took my keys and threw them into an abandoned lot where I had to find them in the dark, with only a cigarette lighter and a street light. The situation angered me I spent hours looking for that girl. I called my wife and told her I had a break down on my bus and they are having trouble getting to me right now. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do if I found her, but that anger turned into exhilaration, it was dangerous prowling the streets of the gang neighborhoods. It was a defining moment because then I developed my own set of rules, "we go where I say if you don't like it then there is the door'. I drove around in the late nights looking for my own spots. Reality should of told me I was lucky and that maybe this isn't the best life for me to lead, but like always stupidity beats reason.

There was another time where a prostitute friend of mine, and regular supplier, got me out of a potentially dangerous situation. I was parked in an abandoned gas station with her and gang members entered the lot. She told me stay in the car and do not get out no matter what they say. She  knew these guys and talked the situation down. She told me "it is a good thing I knew you or they would have took your money or worse because this is their area, I didn't think they would bother you if I was in here sorry". Another time I should have realized that I have a problem that could take my life. It was scary but didn't make the impact it should of.

The one situation that did tell me it was time to stop was I was driving home from another night on the streets when this woman appears out of nowhere, jumps into my car at a red light and says "you got to get me out of here he is going to kill me, just go! I will make it worth it!" I did go because the man she was running from burst through the door of the building she must of run out of and fired a shot. I hit the gas and collected my fare. It scared the heck out of me, so naturally being a sex addict what she was offering soothed my nerves. I vowed no more that was the icing on the cake. This life was getting too risky. Yeah I told myself  beating the odds was cool but I really had to examine whether or not I really wanted to risk losing my life. That was the first time I quit. That lasted only a few days. Then I was right back out there, only in a new area. It didn't change, guys sell women, guys protect their investments, drugs are part of the geography of the land and we all know how dangerous the drug world is. Gangs, pimps, and prostitutes who steal from you. Each area offered its own dangers.

I went through years of trying to stop or trying to change behaviors, I always found an "excuse" for acting out. But lets be real, from one sex addict to another, excuses are what keep us in this life. I went to the porn shop because..., I picked her up because..., my wife doesn't do this, that or the other thing... or because she does this... I have a right to action on the side..it will "help" our marriage. These are just a few excuses we use to justify our actions and ones that always helps us feel better. Despite how we feel after we make these excuses we continue to return, whether we quit for a time afterwards or not, we always return because we feel it is our nature and we don't know how to be different. For me loosing my life was no longer a factor, I tried to take my own a couple of times, if someone could do it for me, all the better because the pain, the stress, the guilt, the shame of it all, the pain I caused and saw and the embarrassment that went along with different things being discovered mounted over a period of years. Till I felt hopeless and did not try to quit anymore. I quit quitting. That of course found me in a divorce from my wife, my porn addiction escalated and ended up costing me a couple of thousand more in bank overdrafts, finance charges, and membership fee's to porn sites. I also increased my drinking more than what I was doing before our seperation, so basically I spun out of control again. Until I felt even more hopeless than before, this time I could really feel my spirit starting to die. A life that leads to death is what this is, it is like a cancer that eats away your morals and values until there is nothing left, it kills your spirit. When that happens Satan can pull your strings like a puppet, he has got you where he wants you, desperate, hopeless, lonely, broke, suicidal and he will make his own offers to sow up your eternal destiny with him. Do not fall for it, as long as you are still breathing there is hope and change available to you.

It honestly was not till "Grace" appeared in my life that I was able to make the change needed. I have quit going to the porn shop, I have set some limitations on my computer use and try to evaluate days that I don't think are good for me to be on the Internet, I avoid prostitute areas and bars, I don't go cruising for the lone woman walking at night and offer her a ride. I have been able through prayer, support, counseling, and a love that I gave up and risked not being able to get back, that I can really assess my lifestyle and what is really important to me. Now keep in mind it was through great emotional loss and pain, financial ruin, suicide attempts, treatment, and just an honest evaluation of where I was at and where I could be, and honestly where my soul could end up that brought me to your eyes today. For all of that I am truly grateful. That God loved me enough to be with me through the dark and take me to a light now that fills me. He has given me knowledge of His offer and that of the enemy.

What is the price tag? Dying to myself and be born into a life for Christ. With that comes a responsibility to Him, whom has given me so much. We must sacrifice our own selfish desires and remember life isn't about the sex. Sex is a part of life. We must try to honor Gods intention with our sexuality and quit trying to make it about our kind of sex. Like I have said our type of sex is sin and Jesus died to save us from our choices and offers us repeated chances to change. But in exchange for a gift that is free to everyone we have to honor that gift and treat it as Holy otherwise what is the point in even believing in it? Jesus doesn't want us to take this gift He paid dearly for and treat it as "hey Jesus thats really cool, thanks. I will treasure it always" and then put in the drawer and forget about it, or take it out when company comes. I have come to understand that my choices made a mochary of the Cross, I said I believed but did not act, I asked for help but gave little in return, I judged but did not want to be judged. I was Christian when I wanted to be Christian. Was I a horrible person? I do not believe so, I just wasn't being a responsible child of God. I treated people well and was charitable, but also was very hurtful to people and used them as well for my own gain and comfort. Therefore, my heart couldn't be given to God because it was too divided in other areas. As it is now sometimes. Long story short belief requires responsibility and sacrifice, by no means do I believe anyone is perfect at this, but it's where our hearts desires are that matters. We have to try to be true to God and ourselves and our families. This is where change is possible because it give us purpose to try, but we can't keep the back door open to escape, otherwise we are just spinning our wheels. I found this scripture which is a Charge from God to prove that we have to be true to this gift because there is consequences, whether we like it or not.

Hebrews 10;28-30: For anyone who refused to obey the law of Moses was put to death without mercy on the testimony of just two or three witnesses. Just think how much worse the punishment will be for those who have trampled on the Son of God, and have treated the Blood of the covenant, which made us holy, as if it were common and unholy, and have insulted and disdained the Holy Spirit who brings God's mercy to us. For we know the one who said, " I will take revenge. I will pay them back" He also said, "The Lord will judge His own people".

Maybe you haven't lost enough to want to quit, but let me share one very important, if not crucial bit of information with you. Alcoholics Anonymous has set the bar in recovery because they knew this about the problem, if the thing you have lost or are about to lose, is more important to you than the (in our case sex) then you are ready for recovery. Chew on that and ask yourself, "Is this really worth it or is there something better waiting for me?"

Quitting is the first step, sustaining is the next. God will help you do that, support groups and counselors will help you do that, I will help you do that and you can help me. Together we can beat it and God has His own thing in store for us, we just have to die to ourselves. We only get one shot at this life, we know Sex of our type is sin. If we believe we know the stakes, if you don't believe in God are you sure you are right? Do you really want to risk it? Twenty minutes in your back seat getting pleasure and risking being arrested is nothing compared to twenty minutes in a place that offers no pleasure and no return. So again, are you sure you are right? Let me asure you there is a God and may you find Him now. If you want to find Him but don't know how call  1-800-525-5683 they have people on staff that will help you and answer questions.

Father in Heaven, sometimes our flesh fails and heart aches, we have sought comfort in sexual situations and still we feel as if inside we are dying. To pull ourselves from this torturous life is hard to do as we have tried many times. Father it is my prayer today that for those who still suffer and do not want to, that they find you and successfully walk with you out of this Hell on Earth because with You all things are possible. We pray this in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Power

The Power of His name.  Jesus, Your name is... ("The Power of His Name" by Lincoln Brewster)

Step 1 is to admit we are powerless.  But sobriety is anything but powerless.  It is where we draw our power from that is key to our recovery. 

To have power over our sobriety and recovery means willfully giving over power to the one and only that is able to reign over our addictions.  Jesus. With Jesus, all things are possible.  Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."   We are not alone.  We were never meant to take this journey alone.  We were given the Power of Christ to overcome the enemy.

Isaiah 40;29-31: He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust the Lord will find new strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

There is power in a power. When we turn our lives over to the care of God we become much more centered on what we are doing and why we are trying to do it. When you think of a life without this addiction, it is as I have said before scary and exhilarating. But we have to admit we can not do it own our own and that God is the answer to it all. This is not a new concept, 12 step groups all over the world make God the center and the key to the recovery process. Treatment centers teach the 12 steps and offer church services on Sunday's or will take you to one (some of them anyway). But we have draw on a power greater than ourselves. In doing so we are taking power over our addiction and we are drawing power from an unending source of power, God.

Lets take a look at the 12 steps where God is key to that step:
Step 2: We came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: We decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another Human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6: We are entirely ready to have God remove our defects of character.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of Gods will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.

Prayer starts all 12 step meetings, the Serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

They also end in prayer, the Lords prayer: Our Father who art in Heaven, hollowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, the "power" and the Glory, forever and ever, Amen.

God is the power we need in our lives. For a very long time I felt powerless over this addiction. I felt hopeless, and it seemed like it was never going to get any better. I was telling my wife the other night that when I wrote about this subject I wanted to get across how much more "powerful" I feel then ever before. God has been the reason for that. In the world I always felt like an actor, a fraud, like I wasn't like everyone else and they certainly were not like me. For those who have this addiction and are reading this than you can relate to what I am about to say. For those who don't have this but want to understand more than this is for you. Imagine living a lie, waking up not fitting in your own skin, knowing that the day faces new challenges that you detest but you know will come up, or feeling guilt from the night before over something you have done or have forced someone else to do. Feeling constantly dirty, I have had days where I was in the shower and I just didn't feel clean. And despite what you want for yourself inside, the addiction kicks in with a thought, a sight, a fantasy, a dream from the previous night, a touch to yourself or someone else and the cycle starts all over again. Then once again you are feeling so set apart from everyone, they are not having my day, they aren't thinking what I am, they must not find out who I am. I must fit in and act like they do that way nobody will know who I really am.  I could go on with that thought and speak in volumes the way we who are sexually addicted feel, think and react. However, that is not the point of this, the point of this is, now with God in my life, I feel much more in control of my day and how I feel. I have God to go to in my turbulent episodes and slowly but surely I am fitting more into the world than ever before. The reason for that is I drew on a power that is offered to absolutely everyone on this planet. That power is God and may you find Him.

There is power in recovery, there is power in a relationship with Christ, there is power in dreaming and wanting, there is power in trying, there is power in admitting weakness, there is power in seeking strength and there is power in living better. What kind of power? The power of loving yourself enough to seek those very things out. God already loves us, we just have to love ourselves enough to get better and to find our way home to God. There is absolutely no one on this Earth that is not going to receive His love if they seek it and ask for it. We have taken power and control over others on a regular basis, but never ourselves. What we have now is a means to do it. I can continue seeking God or I can turn away. I could keep trying to live better or I can go back. I have the power to make that decision and God gives me the power to make that decision. He wants us to choose Him, but He leaves the power of that choice in our hands. Just know that my story, and the story of Hundreds of thousands of sex addicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, and countless others have God at the center of their recovery. That is just a plain fact, other wise if it did not work to have a relationship with God then there would be no more church's, no more 12 step meetings, no more missions, no more books that speak of a relationship with Christ, and sadly there would be no more hope. Now what kind of world would that be. My story is one of many, Power I have gained is one example of millions over the ages. Power you can gain; another testimony of God's redeeming love. Are you worth it? You have to answer that for yourself. Do I think you are worth it? Darn right I do! Tap into a power that loves you, because the power that controls sex addiction hates you. Satan uses us as pawns in a chess game that will claim our souls one day. You have the power to pick up the board and go home.

Father in Heaven, you alone have the power to save us from a life that means death. You give strength to the powerless and you do not grow weary. We ask in the precious name of Jesus that you help us tap into the power that you provide and give so freely to us. We as a people left on our own will fall victim to Satan and stay stuck with no hope, no dreams, no strength, and no purpose. You are clearly the key to recovery and you offer an ending to one story and the beginning of another. For those who feel you but do not act, and fear you but do not hear you, may they have the one moment of weakness where you Father, are able to step into their hearts and start a work in their lives. Also that once that work is started that they have the desire to want better and ask for the power to keep striving towards recovery one day at a time. We ask this in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Obstacles

What is an obstacle? By definition it is anyone or anything that blocks or alters your path. There are many kinds of obstacles as you know. However, we have to overcome them or they will continue to block our way to a recovery. I thought about what some of the biggest obstacles we face in trying to recover from this addiction are and my wife had pointed out that fear was a big one. I agree. Fear is a debilitating obstacle that can stop us right in our tracks. It can also cause some of the worst acting out habits, if we let fear get the best of us. Really the only way to overcome a fear is to address it and deal with it. For example; when choosing to get better I had a fear of not living with this disease because it is all I knew, I also had a fear of living with the disease because that is all I knew how to do. But I had to make a choice- live in fear or rejoice in freedom. So I made my way to groups, a recovery center, I had some ups and downs, a divorce, and embarked on a rather painstaking process to get a meeting started in my hometown, wherein I had too present myself to my community only to be shunned, put down and degraded. Faith in God and the courage to overcome fears worked because someone eventually said yes we need this. Now I have a program, friendship and support but I had to get out of my bubble and risk somethings. I am glad I did. Everyone has a fear or fears of something, but once you address the fear and take the risk of overcoming, it is no longer a fear but simply something you have done before. Easier said than done you maybe saying? You are absolutely right, it easier to say and a heck of a lot harder do. No sugar coating on that because sometimes it can really stink. Your alternative is to live in fear and not experience what life may have in store for you as you open up a new door. It is your choice however. I myself choose to overcome and live.

Complacency, like fear, is a self induced obstacle. Yes we sex addicts tend to shoot ourselves in the foot with this one. My experience with complacency is relapse, anger and a plethera of other psychological terms. Beware of the idle recovery. It is easy, extremely easy, to think we are doing better so we can let some things go, or we start skip meetings or forget to read the devotional (I am guilty of all these things). We become complacent and then something happens and we react with acting out, selfish anger, or utter confusion as to why in the heck whatever it is just occurred. Then we are knocked off our feet because we didn't remain proactive in our recovery. Which leaves us faced with an obstacle that we must overcome because we can't ignore it. An example of this from my life is I became complacent with my recovery and slowly but surely anger started to build, my masturbation increased, which made me depressed, which made me angry again, which caused displaced resentment to make myself feel better, which in turn was followed by lack of communication, all because my ego told me I was strong enough and I was getting better. When actually what was happening was, I was forgetting how to live right and did what was comfortable to me. Which left no re-routing when obstacles came my way, instead I smacked right in to them and knocked myself out. Do not think, and take it from a guy who has been there and still struggles with complacency, that you don't need to do certain things in your recovery. Because recovery is a set of tools that you collect and work with. Complacency tells you that you can leave the tools for today you don't need them and before you know it you need a tool and you are nowhere near your toolbox. That is how we shoot ourselves in the foot. This a common obstacle in recovery. You have been warned do with it what you want. My hope and prayer is that my mistakes can help someone not make the same. So I truly wish you keep this obstacle in the front of your mind so as to not repeat my patterns or some of your old destructive ones.

These are just two of some of the major obstacles we face in recovery. We all know there are tons more out there. I have developed ways to deal with obstacles in my life and a big one is prayer. Reason being is simple; faith fades fear, and commitment combats complacency. My commitment is getting stronger, as well as my faith. Therefore, I am enjoying a higher quality of life and I get blessed with some days that are just plain peaceful. My turbulent days stay turbulent if I don't turn to prayer. But on the other hand my turbulent times are settled with a commitment to settle it with prayer and a faith that God will provide it to me if I ask. Which He does. Satan wants us to keep us down and God wants to raise us up. Prayer is valuable, useful and absolutely neccessary. I have tried being my own God and I haven't done near as good as God has settling my mind. He is waiting for us. Go search Him out and let Him take you by the hand through and around obstacles.

In looking at scripture for this particular subject I was blessed to be able to read about people in the Bible that dealt with some major obstacles and they over came them with faith and commitment. The book of Job, the book of Nehemiah, and the story of Caleb in the book of Numbers. All these stories just provided me with a sense of wow if that can be done or that can be overcame, then I know in my life it is possible for me to overcome as well. The main point to all these stories was God remained faithful to them, their faith and commitment got stronger. and some wonderful things were done in peoples lives including their own because of what they had to overcome. I encourage you to read these books. I could tell you about them but I think God describes it better (He usually does) and I wouldn't do any of these men justice.

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a quote from Jesus Himself about obstacles; He was talking to His disciples shortly before His arrest about who He was and the reason He was here and this is what He said to them (and us) John 17:33; "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world".

Jesus is telling us, it is going to get rough, it is going to stink but He will be there and He will help us. Essentially also I think by Him saying "Here on Earth" He is telling us, all these things are temporary and there is a reward for overcoming and staying steadfast in belief that God can help us overcome our obstacles.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Needing God

I attended a funeral this morning and I observed the mourners and the how they were reacting to the situation. One particular mourner caught my attention. It was a child who had just lost her Grandmother, and a song start playing Vince Gill's "Go rest high on that mountain" and the child just broke into tears and started sobbing. She ran to her father who was seated across the aisle and the child's father just held her. Imagine if that child would have been left to bare her pain alone. Where would she get the comfort she needed? She needed her father and he wanted to be there for her to ease her pain.

That was a perfect illustration for this topic. Alone we bare the pain and the suffering with no positive comfort. We seek out false ways to take the pain away which in turn causes more pain and more guilt. It becomes a mountain that we can not move. God wants to be our shelter in the storms. He wants to dry our tears as He knows how many we have shed already. How do you come to depend on and need Him you may wonder? Well the only way I can describe this is through my own experience.

Step Three in Sex Addicts Anonymous says: We decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. I had to do that. There was a point when I felt my spirit dying and I cried out to our Father "Help me" and through my tears.  He let me sleep until He showed up for work the next day. My life hasn't been the same since. The words "our will" means our intentions to do what we want to do, not what God wants us to do. Therefore, we have to change from living by our will to His will. We have to ask for what He wants us to do and be willing to do it. "Lives" means everything we are to the core. Our belief system, our interactions, our daily living basically has to shift to a much different thinking process than we are accustomed. More involvement with good rather than bad. We have to reflect a desire to be more Christ like and make that a goal. Hard to do? No, not for the most part. Think about it, we have a process addiction; we plan, we organize, we cover by lies and then we act out. Now imagine in a Christ like day; plan your strategy for staying away from triggers, organize yourself with a devotional or something out of the Bible, cover yourself with prayer and let others know what may or may not be good for you to do that day, then act on all that. We can do it, it just seems against our grain to do so, and it is. You will not succeed at Christ like days every day.  I don't, not sure I know anyone who does, but Christ is in my life more everyday and my days are getting better and I succeed more often.

Where does our draw to God comes from? Where does that shame and guilt we feel come from when we feel like we've disappointed God? The answer is we were designed to need Him. We were born with it. In Hebrews, God speaks of the new covenant with His people.  Hebrews 8;10-12: "I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God and they will be my people. And they will not need to teach their neighbors, nor will they need to teach their relatives, saying "you should know the Lord" for everyone from the least to the Greatest will know me already. And I will forgive their wickedness, and will never again remember their sins". We were born that way. So needing God is actually the natural draw to return home.

God provides the comfort and support we need in our lives. He wants to be that Father at the funeral who holds His hurting child. I have had so many moments where the only thing that made sense, the only thing I wanted, the only thing I could possibly do was to take it God. Where I didn't act out to feel better in a negative way. I did the positive and took it to our Father and He held me and sent me back into the world much more at peace. I am a sex addict, I have turned from God, I have made fox hole prayers with no commitment, I chose my will over His, I ran my life because I was the most qualified to run it, and in the end, I ran back into Gods arms. The promises of life He gives us when we choose Him have come, and are coming, true. My life is much more satisfying for Needing God and acting on it.

This is your life and your choice, but I am telling you now, I have been down many of the same streets as you have and all of them have led to a dead end. You know that as well. Why not choose a street paved with Gold that never ends. It is okay to admit you need Him and then to act on it. It is okay to embrace your Father and seek His comfort.  It is okay to lay down your pride, arrogance, and lonliness to allow your Father in Heaven to bring you a peace, joy and comfort you have not known before on this earth. 
Father in Heaven, You have written Yourself on our hearts and You have known us since before we were born. We thank You Father God for the love and security only You offer. To those who read this and need you Father, I pray they seek You and make the commitment to follow You and allow Your will in their life. Let us be the living example of Your love, Your tenderness, Your mercy, Your forgiveness, Your compassion, and let us act as a ray of hope to the hopeless. Father God we pray this in the precious name of Your Son, Jesus Christ whom we love so dearly. Amen.

My prayers are with you all. Jason.