Zealous

According to the dictionary the word zealous means; to be devoted, to actively pursue. We must have those attributes in our faith, our recovery, and our for doing our part in the world. We who are in recovery understand that through the grace of God we can have a meaningful life that Glorifies God and brings to us great joy and peace we have never known before. To maintain this new life we must be zealous which of course means; be devoted to it and actively pursue it.

The journey I have been on with these series of writings has dramatically changed my heart and mind. I truly believe this project has been a gift from God. Through this my passion for our Savior and redeemer has become very personal to me. Because of that I have stated some beliefs to people out loud that I normally wouldn't have a few years ago or even a few months ago for that matter. At one point I stood toe to toe with my employer defending Jesus and let it be known that what was being said was not ok. That my friends is God changing us from the inside out. I have also been blessed to be able to fight urges and old behaviors that take away from God, my recovery and would not honor my wife. Notice I said "fight urges" because they are still there. Thirty years of addiction does not go away overnight; but prayer, desire, hope and knowing deep inside God knows who I am helps me want to honor my chance I have been given to live a Godly purposeful life. It fuels my desire to honor Jesus and what He went through so guys like me who have sinned greatly and repeatedly can at one point return home despite what we have done through the honest act of repenting and believing.

That brings me to the body of this message and what we are now called to do with our chance and our new life in Christ. The scripture I am about to share will have many different meanings to many different different people as all of our circumstances are different. However, the one thing that is true in all of our lives with this scripture is we must not be ashamed of the one who saved us and gave us new life if we so seek it. God will help us fulfill this scripture in our lives through words, actions, and being living examples of change. It is possible as I have experienced these words in my own life and I am a better man for it.

1 Peter 3:13-18; Now who will want to harm if you are zealous to do good? But even if you suffer for what is right, God will reward you for it. So don't worry or be afraid of their threats. Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks you about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember it is better to suffer for doing good, if it is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong! Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but He died for you sinners to bring you safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the Spirit.

 How might this scripture apply to recovering sex addicts? As I said this will mean different things to different people, as all our experiences our different. But an example of how this applies is in recovery they say that you must change your playground and playmates to avoid going back to the addictive lifestyle. Cutting off relationships to women we are having affairs with or some other relationship that fuels our addiction can really make some people angry. Therefore they may threaten to expose us and our habits. However, let me share one very important if not crucial fact with you. God does take anything bad and make it worse. In the end when it is all said and done it is always beneficial to us and those around us. To go back to the example of cutting off relationships the end result may be some truths get exposed, talked about and worked on and others can go on to relationships that are not as harmful to them and we can have relationships that aren't harmful to us. The road may get bumpy but God will help us through it. We then come out on the other side a better person for it because we had Christ as the Lord of our life and we no longer have to be ashamed and we have no secrets to keep us from moving forward. But again this is an example of applying this scripture the true application must come through guidance, support and prayer as God knows exactly what we need to do in our lives. If we believe and want redemption and salvation we are required to change and live a life which honors Christ and we are required to share the Gospel when asked how did you do it?

I truly wish all of us in recovery and those who have yet come to recovery and Christ could just be better and put this life behind us. The blood of Christ has washed away our sins and Heaven no longer remembers when we repent and become born again to Christ. That is Heaven though and we are human and humans remember and humans respond to the flesh because we live in the "world". But God gives us tools to help us live in the "word" as we live in the "world". The following are tools I have used to zealously pursue my recovery and my life with Christ, hopefully they help you: I listen only to Christian music because other music makes me think sexual thoughts when they sing about one night stands and the good times the bars and clubs offer, Christian music reminds me of my desires for Christ, helps me stay grounded and gives me hope; I try to watch TV that doesn't glorify sex or sexual dominance of others like crime shows, music videos, or reality TV; I try to read my bible as a reminder that I am working towards something bigger and better than I could ever imagine, it also helps me when I am really struggling to just pick it up and see there is a choice and that help is available; When I pass the pornography store I turn my head the other way as I go by; I pray through out the day for help or just to stay connected when I don't I feel disconnected from God and I just get irritable and I become more susceptible to temptation so prayer is important; I make my 12 step meetings every week to talk about what is going on and be reminded of where I am at, if I can't make them for some reason I do something to stay in touch; these are just some of things that work for me because I know those are things that I have to do.

Remember God did not put us on this Earth to be an addict, an addict is something we may have become but do not have resolve ourselves to being. He wants us to live and enjoy life, help others and be useful. He is a God that does not go back on His word and does not require things we are not capable of. His rewards for a Godly purposeful life are unending, and He will never leave you to bare your pain or joys alone. He is a God that loved us so much that He sacrificed His own Son so we could be with Him forever. That is a perfect love from a perfect God. Jesus took on all the pain, persecution, shame and embarrassment when He was put to death on the Cross for you and me. Anything we have to endure for following Him and giving our life to Him pales in comparison. We may feel like we have been to Hell but Jesus overcame it.

Zealously pursue your life with Christ and your recovery. Die to your old self and give birth to the person you want to be deep inside and the person God intended you to be. Be brought to life in the Spirit as the scripture says and you will know peace and purpose. My prayer for closing this series of writings of the A to Z of sexual addiction is humble and small compared to the promise that Jesus left us with in the book of Revelations.

Revelations 22:12-13; "Look, I am coming soon, bringing my reward with me to repay all people according to their deeds. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Begining and the End."

Your Story

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other sex addicts and practice these principles in our lives.

There are three parts to this step which are; spiritual awakening, carrying the message and practicing the principles in our lives. Let us take a look at each part so your story can have an impact on others. The reason for this is when others hear what you have been through they don't feel so alone and isolated in their own addiction. They may have many questions for you as you share your experience, strength and hope because they are piecing together answers for their life. There is nothing wrong with this because it shows a desire to get better and that is the only requirement for recovery. Telling your story of what happened, what it was like and what it is like now helps you see the insanity of your past. It also shows others new in recovery that through prayer, honesty, desire, and hard work that you have made great strides and that they can too.

Why tell your story? Why drag up all that stuff from the past? Because it happened that's why. If you have an old football story or some other sports story you tell it whenever you can. It is a way to show others what you have accomplished or you use it to inspire a young athlete to go after their dreams. If you have a story of heroism from a brave act in which you put it all on the line to help someone else you tell it. There are lots of different stories we tell of our lives for one reason or another, so why not tell this one? This story of your life contains the same attributes as a football story or act of heroism. This story tells how you recovered to inspire others to go after their dreams of a better life, and tells of the act of heroism you demonstrated by reaching in with the jaws of life and saving yourself, your family and your soul.  This story can be told to the right people at the right place and at the right time.

Be careful not to judge others lest we be judged ourselves. I am guilty of this, my thoughts have gone to why tell this guy my story? It can't help him because he is far worse off than me. Therefore I did not share with that person. He was a fellow sex addict that needed the message carried on to him. That man relapsed several times and I have lost contact with him. I still wonder if I would have shared more openly and honestly like I should have, where he would be? He just saw where I was at but I did not tell him I got there. Remember we are all the same we just chose different avenues to take to arrive at the same destination. Someone else may want to hear the route you took so they either avoid that street or decide to take it because it made more sense than the route they are on.

We who are in recovery need to help one another or this disease will continue to thrive in isolation. Now there are a couple of things to watch for in helping others and carrying the message. The first thing to watch for is taking care not to become triggered by closely working with another, it can happen. Carrying the message could also have just as strong of impact by passing the message along to another person better suited to handle that persons situation if you saw your own recovery in danger by this persons story. The second thing to watch for is not sounding sanctimonious, guilty of this one too, but I have learned people listened to a humbled heart more than a "loud mouth". You can not relate to a "loud mouth" because they are seemingly without failure and those people are intimidating. If you want your story to have any impact and carry the message to others, then remember one simple thing; we are all in need of help no more or no less, and no exceptions. Do not raise yourself higher and do not set yourself lower.

Before we get into what this step means entirely, I want to share scripture that supports sharing your story and helping others through the practice of the 12th step.

Galatians 6:1-5; If another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are Godly should humbly and gently help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other's burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.
Pay  careful attention to your own work, for then you will get satisfaction out of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.

Now lets tear into step 12 and see what this means to us:
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps: This means as a result of hitting bottom and acknowledging our need for God we started out on a spiritual journey. We first had to admit we were powerless and that no human power could relieve our addiction. Therefore, we came to believe that God was the answer and we turned our will and our lives over to Him. In doing so we had to had to let God run our lives and help us through the emotional pains we were experiencing, we had to take responsibility for our role in our addiction and we then saw where our character fell short of the Kingdom of God; and had to ask Him to make that change in us. Through prayer and patience we saw our lives change and were able to demonstrate to others that grace can and does happen.

We try to carry this message to other sex addicts: You will hear members often say, "helping you, helps me" so we share the story of our battle as well as the story of recovery. Our addiction now has become a teaching tool for newcomers so they can see parallels to their own lives. This helps them realize they are not alone and the problems they face are common to this addiction.  In this way we have become channels for healing as a direct result of our experiences in our sickness and in our recovery.

...and practice these principles in our lives: We have learned to live in a way that requires honesty, openness, sharing and taking responsibility for our actions. We carry these principles home to our own relationships and have a much more caring and intimate relationship with our spouses or significant others, our families, friends and our working relationships. We realize that we do not have to sexualize our world to make sense of it. Through these teachings we live in such a way that we never thought possible before. Living and loving better by example can change many peoples lives.

What is your story? What legacy will you leave? How will people remember you? It is in your hands, will you place it in God's? He can transform and change us from deep within and what we show the world is what He will want the world to see. Your story can't be told if you are the only one who hears it.

Father in Heaven, this addiction strengthens itself on shame and embarrassment so we ask that through your grace and love those barriers of silence be removed. In sharing our story we can become stronger by not having secrets steal our strength. We know that on this Earth we are part of a community of believers and non-believers each with their own views and opinions of how we should or shouldn't be and what we should or shouldn't have done. We pray to be able to  stand up and say to all who will listen "this is who I am, this is what I have done and through the Grace of God I can help you!". That would be an amazing accomplishment for ourselves, your Kingdom and would benefit those who need to hear it. We pray that you fill us with the Spirit as all is possible through you. Father we pray this in the name of your Son and our Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

X-Ray

If you have gotten from A to X then you have a pretty good understanding of what this addiction is and what it can do. You have been asked some pretty tough questions and heard some revealing facts about my life. Your faith has been put to the test as well as your beliefs about yourself and your relationship with God. Now we have to look at what all this means.

In an x-ray the primary goal is to look inside, deep inside, and see what is below the surface. I feel that we as a group know that our addiction is fed by weakness and/or the inability to properly deal with emotions of many sorts, insecurity about our own self worth and our worth to other people, we act out searching for love (real or imagined) just to feel normal if even just for a few minutes. So where does it all come from? Where did it all start? That is where looking deep inside comes from. We have to go back as far as we possibly can and try to figure out where it all started. For me I know the majority of the issues or even just the deciding factor started with my sexual molestation. Yet years of counseling tell me my disconnection started long before I was ever touched. The reason for that is children who grow up in alcoholic homes suffer trauma at early ages and they do not know how to process those feelings correctly. I guess for me I wanted what my friends had, I do remember actually comparing other families to ours when I was kid. I remember the envy at their family and the anger at mine, so searching for something I didn't have may have been a pattern laid into me at a very early age. I know my mom did the best she could with what she had available to her. I do not fault her for that. Mom loves her family and that will never change. But I know now as an adult that there was only so much she could do. The fact that her son was window shopping other families is something she could have not have known. Therefore I think that is where my draw to imagination and fantasy may have started. I imagined what my friends lives were like and what would it be like if I lived there? Now don't get me wrong I love my family very much but I was a kid, I had not even heard the word loyalty yet or even considered that Dad was sick with alcoholism and could get better (which he did, He is now 26 years sober and I am proud of him). But that is why I believe in my adult life I started fantasizing about relationships with other women when my marriage or dating relationship was not going the way I wanted it to.

Besides fantasy, childhood started some other lifetime patterns for me. Patterns like defining what kind of love I wanted, what people who love you would do, things that people who loved you wouldn't say. Things such as these are how I defined my adult relationships. Therefore, I set out to create the perfect relationship by piecing them together with various people. Whether they be real, in a video, or my mind I was getting the things that I felt were needed in my life. The end result was of course an addiction to sexual behavior that required more and more as time went along. Until I was using sex or addictive thinking for everyday life or solving life and relationship problems, even though it is never  the answer to any problem.

In retrospect I believe that time of childhood also created the jealousy issues I have. As I look back, window shopping families left me wanting something I couldn't have. I couldn't just move into their house and be part of their family so that left only fantasy. When things would get bad at my house with arguing, rules, fights or whatever I believe I would become jealous of those families because they were not experiencing the same thing. That jealousy turned to anger after the abuse because I became jealous of the other kids at school and in my neighborhood, because I was absolutely sure none of them ever experienced sexual abuse and I wanted what they had, Ignorance. I just wanted to be a kid like them. Which leads me right to the next level of jealousy, my adult life. Here jealousy takes a turn to possession. Follow me for a second on this, as I pieced together my relationships I had to protect what I had so I wouldn't lose any of it unless I chose to give it up. My jealousy of other men in relationship to the women in my life would get the best of me. Even if they were ex girlfriends that dumped me or if I changed my mind on ones I broke up with, I would stalk them to see if they were with another man and if I found cars parked in the driveway I wouldn't discern whether they were friend or family, they were always another man. Thus, I did some not so nice things in my earlier years. Stupid now as I look at it but jealousy was the controlling force at the time. As for the women that I was with, if I wasn't trying to talk them into having sex with other men, I didn't want them thinking about men or other men trying to get them. My wife can tell you of me holding her close with my arm around her stating non-verbally "SHE IS MINE" even though it was in situations like, "can I take your order?" or maybe it was an old friend of hers who was with their mate. I would even eye every guy we passed walking down the street to make sure that they were absolutely clear on "off the market". Oh yes I can be jealous and possesive at times. I have to think that childhood is where maybe jealousy initially got it's start and that I really need to look at appreciating what I have and not concentrate on what I don't. We all crave something more whether it be in relationships or not. It is when we become jealous of others having something we want that we can start the ball rolling to cover the hurt of not having it, trying to get it from others, or blaming and resenting the person you are with for being the reason we don't have something sexually, physically, emotionally, or relational. Watch where your jealousy takes you but more importantly find out where it is stemming from and talk to someone about that first, before you start acting on the feelings it creates.

Now let us look at my relationship with Christ, deep down. While I am doing that maybe you should examine yours. When I was kid Jesus was a picture in the dining room that was decorated with palms once a year around Easter. He was a guy I heard about in my church service, I knew He was supposed to be God's son and He hung on a cross. That is it. A relationship with Him or God never even occurred to me. I just knew I had to go to church and yeah for the most part I enjoyed it but I would forget it when it was over. It was Sunday too much fun stuff to do. As I got older I began to realize this guy Jesus and His father wanted a little more from me than I was willing to give. I heard how they take care of you and protect you, I began to question why I was not taken care of when I needed it? They asked sacrifice, I wanted all I could get. This was around age 9. I could not follow Him and do what He wanted, when I wanted what He told me I couldn't have to feel better. After some years until right around 1997 I didn't have any interest in a relationship with Christ because I didn't need one. Then an event happened that really made me question my existence as "nothing special" to God. I believe I was visited by an Angel, this story has only been uttered verbally to people a couple of times so here is its debut. I was driving a city bus in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul) and my route was route 21. Now keep in mind this a inner city route that goes through some very heavily populated and economical challenged areas where city transportation is their only means to get around. My story begins 20 minutes after my route began from downtown St.Paul I dropped off the passengers I had and approached a stop that connects two busy routes and fills the bus up usually. That was not the case this night, a Friday night of all nights, usually pretty busy. One man was waiting, he got on paid the fare and introduced himself as Aaron, I didn't give my name back just said "nice to meet you" as we were driving he began to speak and I felt this overwhelming urge to be honest with him about how I was really doing after he asked me about my wife, I was assuming he saw my wedding ring so I didn't think much of it. You see my first wife and I were in a separation, I had a mistress and I just felt horrible and dead inside. Aaron listened to my story and began to cry and said encouraging words of Christ to me. As he spoke those feelings inside melted away as I became mesmerized by the tone of his voice, the words he was saying and his appearance. He was about 6'4'' tall, he was Olive skinned and muscular, I began to wonder who is this guy? Now bear in mind he never knew my name because we didn't wear name tags and I never told him my wife's name. Yet he says to me with tears in eyes and leans over and puts a hand on my arm, "Jason, you and Jessie are going to be fine, you are going to be just fine, I know it." He then told me that this was his stop and I pulled over. I opened the doors, let him out, looked in my mirror to proceed back into traffic, then looked at my passenger mirror to watch him go. As quickly as I let him off he was gone.  There is no other way to explain him knowing Jessie and I's names. I never saw him before and never saw him again. The peace that he instilled in me and the fact that no other people rode that busy route for half an hour on a typically busy Friday night tells me that was something from God. The very next stop had two people waiting and the bus filled quickly after that. Prove to me different and I will believe you. That was my first spiritual acknowledgement of a need for Christ in my life and He has been talking to me ever since. At that point knowing a need for Him and not pursuing it created a definite denial of Him. Yet He never left and kept talking to me and talking to me and talking to me until I ruined my life completely and just said "Ok I hear you and I need you" it was then my counselor/friend helped me take that step to ask Christ into my life and for that I am truly grateful. My relationship with Him now is good, I ask for help, I am prayerful, thankful, needy of Him, and desire to do what I can to honor His sacrifice, appreciate His gifts to me and achieve a good finish with Him getting the glory. So what did Aaron mean when He said "Jessie and you will be fine, you will be just fine, I know it." ? I think this it. I am in a much better place and have rebuilt a marriage to my second wife, and started this little ministry and am overcoming different parts of my addiction and controlling a lot of the urges. As for Jessie, I am sure she is in a much better spot than she was. However, I had to want a relationship with Him and want change inside and have Him fill my heart deep inside. I had to choose Him and He graciously chose me. Where is your relationship with Christ at now? How bad do you want it? What changes inside are you prayerful about?

We have looked deep inside my childhood and how I responded to my life situations, we looked at my relationship with Christ and what He has done and how He loves me. Now you need God to help you take an x-ray of your life to help you move forward. He has the eyes that can see deep inside and guide you along and speak truths you will recognize. Ask Him to x-ray you and figure out where patterns may have started and help you recognize where your patterns changed. That way you have the information you need but most importantly the relationship you need. One with Christ.

Father in Heaven, you have eyes that see deep inside and a voice that speaks only truth. Satan speaks lies to make them sound like truth. We ask that through you thunderous voice we hear the truth about ourselves and our lives. Father help us take the time to learn from mistakes and slow down enough to respond appropriately to life situations. Change is possible through Jesus Christ and honesty with ourselves. We ask Father for your guidance and your love as we transition out of this addiction into recovery. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Wanting More

The world of addiction whether it be sex, drugs, alcohol or some other form of addiction can leave us feeling hopeless, helpless, cut off, shut out, disregarded, unwanted, unworthy of love, less than human, and spiritually sick. It sucks the life right out of us until we can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. It does not have to be this way. For those who find themselves in that situation this article is for you. Please read carefully, be prayerful, and know that no matter who you are, what you have done, or what you feel, God loves you and I am sure others do to. We can not give up hope for a better life. It is not impossible to achieve, I heard a line in a song once that said, impossible is a reason not to try. We need to understand that there is a better life just waiting to be had we just have to want more than what we have. Anything is better than an addictive lifestyle, it is not rocket science. But you need to know you are worth it and any other line of thinking is Satan running a head game on you, don't buy it. God did not put us on this Earth to be an addict and that's it. No He has so much more in mind for us. In this life we may have become a person with an addictive lifestyle but a lifestyle can be changed and people can be changed. Just don't give up hope or think you are not worthy of change. Once you do that then you do feel worthless and what is your incentive to try?

Let me share with you an example from my life. I cried out and felt at that hopeless stage. I had only two choices to make and that was it. Continue to be an addiction and all that goes with it, divorced, my life revolving around work, beer, porn and whatever cheap sex that might come my way; until one day I faded out of the world leaving only my family knowing that I was missing from it. Or stop and beg for help and want more for myself.  I knew I could be more, I knew I wanted more, I also knew it would take work once I asked for help and change from God. Guess what I chose? Oh c'mon guess? Yes I chose to become alive in Christ and my life has not been the same ever since. You can have this transformation as well. Just want it. Satan wants us desperate so he can offer us the temporary things to feel better. He wants to pleasure us first and devour us last. God wants to work through our hurts and our pains first so they are not holding us back and then offer us the peace that comes along with a Godly, purposeful, focus driven life.


God can change us, make us better people and help us recover from our addictive lifestyle. I also have more good news! Christ knew we were worth it long before we were even born. He worried about our addictive life and staying productive. He did not want us to give in to this and just become another addict that world forget abouts.

These are His words on that: Matthew 5:13; Jesus said, "You are the salt of the Earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless".

I am not a theologian but that scripture tells me do not lose your zest for life, be productive, active and part of the world. Salt adds flavor to various kinds of foods, in the same turn we can add our own flavor to this world.Want what God has store in store for us, want the dreams you had or have, want the family life,  but most importantly want to be the person you feel yourself to be inside and bring that person out. Introduce yourself to the world as a person in recovery, not the addict who the world can care less about. I can not tell you how many stories I have heard in the world of recovery of people that testify to feeling useful, feeling like they contribute, having a better marriage that comes along with the honest living, and being able to have an open relationship with God. People that once resided themselves to just giving up because they did not know how to change. They may have always wanted more or knew they could be more but just didn't know how. Well here is what helped me, a hearts desire to let God into my life; honesty with myself, my wife and my family; looking at what the addiction has taken; and just plain deciding this is nuts!

It is ok to want more out of your life and try to achieve it, take the word impossible out of your vocabulary because absolutely nothing is impossible for God. He created the universe and everything that is in it, I think He can help us put down the magazine, turn off the computer and stay at home with our spouse for once. Don't let your salt lose it's flavor. Do not become worthless, and do not believe the lies Satan is filling our heads with. So besides wanting more, how about having more (of the good stuff that is)?

Father in Heaven, today our prayer is to be all that we can be. We are not our addiction, you know our worth because you made us. To often we have given up hope or stopped trying because we did not know how to be different. Fill our hearts with answers, desires, questions, and honesty. Father we do want to be more and we know that you are the answer and the enemy is the problem. Today we give our addiction to you and we ask you fill us with a sense of worth. Others who have recovered before us tell us this is possible and now we want to experience this for ourselves. We know that only can help us live. In the precious name of Jesus Christ we pray. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Victimization

Caution: This article is harsh, to the point, and necessarily graphic in some cases. Our addiction is ugly and sometimes demands rigorous honesty to make an idea clear.

There is only way to start this article and that is with the "Golden Rule", Matthew 7:12; Jesus said, "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets".

If you think about the "Golden Rule" it is a very solid piece of advice, but then why would it not be? God Himself gave it. Despite this rule there are many victims to sexual addiction all over the world. We need to examine this rule in a fresh perspective and apply it to ourselves and our addiction. With that being said, there is two different ways we victimize; victimization of others and victimization's of ourselves. Let's take a look at both of those because we need to understand the effects of our addiction and how this rule applies to it.

First, let us look at ourselves. I know for a fact I have done to others what I would not like them to do to me. In the same token though I have done to myself what I would not want others to do to me. We use and abuse our own bodies as much, if not more, than we do other peoples bodies through excessive masturbation causing bleeding, sensitivity problems, and in some case having to surgically fix damage. We take drugs used to intensify sexual arousal or numb sensitivity for prolonged experiences but we wouldn't want other people making us take drugs. We allow people to use invasive sexual toys and suffocation techniques (sometimes by choice) because we need to feel loved and accepted by those we are with and we think that is the only way to get what we need, by letting them do those things. Even though by ourselves we would not.  We take our own money, by giving it to porn sites, strip clubs, prostitutes, adult book stores and more. Money that could have paid our bills, bought food, bought gas for our car, and even could have taken us on vacations. However, if anyone stole our money we would become angry, but we let those things steal our money willingly. We cheat ourselves out of what can be fulfilling by taking time from our families, forsaking relationships, turning down jobs that would interfere with the addiction, staying at home to look at porn instead of getting involved with outside things such as the park, a fair, a gathering, etc. In essence we kidnap ourselves from our family and community. We would not want others to lie to us but we lie to ourselves through rationalizations to help make the addiction and the acting out more bearable. We create more emotional turmoil in ourselves than we would tolerate any one person giving to us. We verbally and sometimes physically beat ourselves up over what this addiction has caused us to do although we would not others to emotionally or physically abuse us. Finally, we put our own souls at risk and steal our own faith by robbing our selves of a relationship with Christ because we find our selves too unforgivable, so we don't try to make that connection. Or we do not think Christ would be accepting of our lifestyle so selfishly we stay in this life and chose not to make a Christ connection because it would screw up the addiction. Either way keeps Christ in the back seat and sexual addiction in the front. So you see the "Golden Rule" if turned around for individual practice works too, Do not do to yourself that you would not want others to do to you. I am not re-writing the Golden Rule by any means, it just one addicts way of looking at it in a different light. Bottom line is if we would not want others victimizing us. stealing from us, lying to us and cheating us, than we need to stop doing that to ourselves.

We have seen the ways we victimize ourselves, so if we don't want others to do those things to us, then why do we do it to them? Because you can't see the forest through all those trees. Active addiction sets in motion a locomotive that wrecks anything in its path. In my active addiction I ran over a lot of people who were left standing there thinking "Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?" I made sure the plate was covered as best I could. I won't go into who, what or where in my victimization because we all have our own stories.  Here are just a couple of things to think about, we would not our spouse to have an affair on us but we have one on them. We wouldn't want someone to pick up our daughter for sex but we pick up someone else's daughter. If we needed money for food, rent, utilities, our kids school clothes or something else, we would not want someone to say, "I will give you money for those if you give me sex". Or if we needed a job we would not want the requirement to be a romp on the couch in the bosses office over lunch or after work. But we do these things to others. "Do to others what you would have them do to you" Christ's words not mine.

So with the "Golden Rule" being laid out there by our Lord and Savior, why do we do these things? That one you have to answer on your own because only you know why. Now this is what I have had the privilege of being taught in recovery, if it is not a God honoring action than more than likely we should not be doing it. This "Golden Rule" is a double sided sword, it teaches us to respect ourselves and others, it is also (in my opinion) designed to shape our conscious of right and wrong. I know this is a tough addiction to fight and those draws to act out are excruciating some days. However, if we are going to recover we have to stop being selfish and give others the same respect, courtesy, and love that we want. We have to understand that we can not pursue this addiction without the hurting, exploiting, disregarding, using, lying to, and stealing self respect of other people. We need to give what we demand or we have no right to demand fair, equal and loving treatment from others. Essentially you receive what you put out. We are not objects we are people, the people we use as objects are people to. We won't recover until we learn that every child of God is real and loved just as much as we are. We are abusing, using and exploiting God's children like it or not, it is a fact. But again we won't recover till we realize that, because do you really want to stand there and tell God, "yeah I bought your daughter for twenty bucks". I haven't had to say that for a long time, I have had to do that in my repentance and it is not pleasant but I have the choice not to have to say it again. It may be tough but its possible.

 I told myself I wouldn't go here with this but I almost have to with regards to respecting others and the treatment we want to receive in return. With that being said let me go on this little tangent. Just because we may not be able to touch or talk to a picture or video, doesn't not make the actor/actress any less of a living breathing person with feelings, emotions, families, children, financial responsibilities and dreams. It is easy to use an object, much harder to use a person. Speaking in general terms our type of lifestyle would not exist without the exploitation of others. Either mentally, physically or in some type of media. Since I have had a chance to look at the sex industry from a different perspective than what I was used too, let me share what I have learned. Recent studies show according to Internet sources that an estimated 1 million children have been sold into sexual slavery in last few years, there are over 1 billion pornography sites on the Internet to date, every college town in the United States has either a Internet pornography site, escort service, strip club or massage parlor that recruits our sons and daughters as they try to earn extra money for school. I hate to say it you guys but we fuel that industry. Some of them may willing supply, but only because we created the demand.  Just remember once again they are people with varying circumstances, we aren't required to take advantage of them.

I am not preaching because I am just as guilty as anybody, I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on the exploitation and use of God's children. I have had to admit that to God and beg for forgiveness. I am merely giving you one addicts perspective on what I believe to be a truism about our addiction. If this makes you mad I am sorry, but one guilty man should be able to talk to another.

Father in Heaven, we humbly come to you guilty of sexual sins against our fellows, we have taken from others and demanded more in return. We have victimized many knowingly and unknowingly and we ask forgiveness of our sins. We are all your sons and daughters and you tell us in the "Golden Rule" to treat each other as such. Yet our own selfishness has taken away from that. We ask that you help us to not use others and understand that we can not ask for more than we are willing to give, and we can not require more than what we deserve based on our own actions. Father we pray this in the precious name of your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

United in Christ

Note: Jesus Christ does not endorse, support, finance, or lend His name to any part of the sex industry.

So why do we? Why did I? A number of different reasons for a number of different people. Hurt, lost, sick, confused, lonely, broke, separation, divorce, relief from feelings of grief, anger control, curiosity, intimacy issues, need to feel wanted, looking for love or people just looking for something they don't have at home, this list could get really long if I keep going. The point is we are seeking false comforts in the sexual realm. The result is this: Profits in the billions each year from our emotional pains, curiosities, and lack of moral convictions (let me put that one in perspective, the United States alone boasts profits of about 6 billion dollars per year in pornography, which is more than accumulated profits of all professional sports team combined). Child pornography profits in the United States according to Internet sources are over 3 billion dollars per year. That is a total of over 9 billion dollars per year in the United States spent just on pornography. That does not include money from strip clubs, bottle clubs, prostitutes, Internet adult date sites, novelty toy companies, and swingers papers. I wonder how much was tithed last year to our church's and charities? I am going to bet it was not 9 billion dollars, call me crazy.

Yes Satan is making a killing in the United States, he is collecting souls and lining the pockets of his peddlers. Let me remind you though, these were just the numbers for the U.S. there is whole planet out there. I am sure the world wide number is staggering.

We have to stop this, I myself gave money and supported porn sites in Germany, Russia, the U.S., Mexico, and someplace in Asia. My church didn't get anything, if they did it was $5 or $10 dollars. The girls I looked at were noticeably drunk, drugged up, or just plain removed from the situation. It was misery with a paycheck for some and others I am sure didn't have a choice, they were I am going to venture a guess and say part of the human trafficking trade. These were the sites I visited on a regular basis. Where was Christ in all this? I saw some Cross's hanging on the walls of the amateur sites shot in peoples houses, hotels, or apartments but what was going had absolutely nothing to do with Christ other than Him protecting the victims in those scenarios.

The craziness of this life is stressful, the problems it causes vast, and we as the participants willingly use others, let others use us, we forsake our marriages and families and give into the compulsion above all else. We can not live the biblical life we are called to live and be involved in active sexual addiction. I can say that because I have lived it and know it is impossible. We may tell ourselves lies like I did that "I am a good person I help others"  we may be for the most part good people, but see if this makes sense. We donate money to charity to help feed and cloth orphans and homeless children and families, so we give to one group of people but then turn around and take from another. An example from my life is, at one point I sponsored a child overseas, however, during that time I frequented prostitutes that were out trying to earn meal money to feed their children. They have told me so, in one instance I saw the kids for myself and took their mother someplace private. The good Christian man, well number one, wouldn't of visited a prostitute but two, would have given the mother money for food for the kids and not required anything. But that is not what happens when we are active.

Truly I know the pain of sexual addiction, my wife knows the pain of sexual addiction, you know the pain of sexual addiction and so does Christ. Did we ask to be abused, or to become sexually addicted? No. I have said before I had to be that man and do those things to become the man I am today. A man that can share a story, admit mistakes, strive for something better, share Gospel, and be able to humble myself in front of God and say willingly "Father in Heaven I need your help". To receive that help I have to be willing to be united with Christ and not support, endorse, finance or lend my name to any of Satan's works. Therefore, I have to recover for myself, my family and my God. Come out of the woodwork, tell someone what is going and confess it to God. Then be willing to distance yourself from this lifestyle. Whatever we are looking for or needing from any of our acting out can be found with Christ. He took the beatings and died a cruel, unimaginable death for every mouse click on porn sites, every dollar spent on anything sexual, every rape or murder that was to be committed in the name of sex or control of the opposite gender, for every family we would ruin with our sins, every lustful thought, every act of adultery, the drugs used on innocent victims, the children and women that are forcibly sold into sexual slavery for our enjoyment and so on and so on. We are forgiven if we ask for Jesus to be our Master and Savior. God knew that the only way to absolve us of sin was to sacrifice a sinless man in the name of sin. Because of that we as Children of God are called to turn away from such things and rightly so considering what He endured out of pure love for us. The following speaks of this:

2 Corinthians 6:14-18; Don't team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God's temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said:

"I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God and they will be my people. Therefore, come out among the unbelievers, and separate yourselves from them, says the Lord. Don't touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you. And I will be your Father and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty".

We must stop worshipping our pornography, and using people sexually. As the scripture says, "we are the living temple of God" the key word there is "we" that means all humans have God living inside of them. All of us no matter what the role we play in Satan's reign in the sex industry have a chance to stop and receive Christ and have that sin washed away. So a more disturbing thought that causes me great regret is, if we are all the living temple of God, then what I have I made other temples of God do for the sake of my pleasure and emotional retreat? I know those sins are forgiven when I asked Jesus into my life. I may be forgiven but I don't forget, I live with that even though Heaven may not remember. But Jesus helps me through it and I have seen my life bring Him glory and help others. That is a wonderful thing but still I am human and I don't think I would be if none of my past bothered me, and that's ok because it helps me remember and chose better.

In conclusion, we have to be united with Christ, we must do His work, we must turn to get better and we have to have the same goal Christ did which is do our part to save souls and proclaim the Gospel through life experience and help others. As a team with Christ we can win, on our own we will lose and we will lose it all.

Father in Heaven, we pray to be united with you so we can be reunited with you. This world we live in now is so much about insecurity, emotional pain, finding relief and Satan knows it. Father we ask that we have your strength and call on you to achieve freedom from an addiction that will literally kill our souls one day. To be one with Christ and respect His sacrifice is what we want to do. Father our flesh is weak but you are strong and standing united with you we know the enemy's reign will stop over us and you will take the rightful place on the throne in our little temple. Therefore, Father we pray for unification with the Kingdom and desire to let all know that we are united with Christ. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Today

The nice thing about Today is anything is possible. We are an empty canvas to be painted on every time we open our eyes. Everyday we have a brand new set of choices we can make. Brand new things we can learn and brand new prayers we can pray. I wanted to share with you a poem I wrote last year about my desire to be a better person and the willingness to let God change me, by trying to keep an open mind everyday. I didn't always succeed past lunch some days but I started out wanting to. Here is a segment from that poem:

If Jesus could paint a picture of how my life has been, what color would He use to represent my sin?
How thick or thin of brush, How short or broad of stroke would He use to show the day that I awoke?
Here I am, my day is at its' start, I am an empty canvas, Jesus make your art.

I long to be a masterpiece in my Fathers eyes, ones that can see past the addictions, pain and lies.
Eyes that can see deep inside my heart, I am an empty canvas, Jesus make your art.

Maybe you can use the black for the nails that pierced your human skin,
and the red to demonstrate the blood that washed away my sin.
Wash my pallet clean because my colors have run together, I wish to be your picture now and forever.

It may sound a little corny but that is what I feel inside even to this day. Each day offers me opportunities to live better, love better, pray better and recover better. I am taking my life back literally one day at a time. Which by the way is a recovery slogan. It means all we have is today, we just have to not act out today. Just for today we don't have to give into our urges. That makes it a lot easier than giving it up for life. We just have to give it up and give it over for one day, that's it. Then the next day we do the same and again and again. Before you know it we have a lot of days with no acting out.

They say in some 12 step groups to get used to giving it over to God daily, that you should put your shoes under your bed. That way when you have to kneel down to get them, you may as well pray while you are down there and ask God to help you today. That way you are turning your life and your will over to the care of God right from the start. If that doesn't quite work for you though there are many other opportunities to do this before you start your day. At breakfast, in the shower, over a cup of coffee in your favorite chair, your drive to work or even when you are laying there cursing the fact that is so darn early. You can pray anytime you like, God is always up and He is always there.

Today is something for God to do, give it to Him. He wants us to be free from this life starting Today. So today is a very important day. He knew how awful we would feel being a slave to an addiction whether it be sex or otherwise and He wants us to be free of that guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, lies, and every other sin that goes along with living an addictive lifestyle especially ours of sexual immorality. Despite how we feel and no matter how much we want to change we have to relent to one simple fact in order to move on. We have a sinful nature called the flesh and the flesh lives in the "world" and not the "word" and only Jesus can free us and help us combat this natural sinful nature, how do I know that? God told us so in the Bible. Which is of course, The Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. In Romans Paul writes about our sinful nature and struggling with sin.

Romans 7:21-25; I have discovered this principle of life-that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me  that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to sin that is still within me. Oh what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God the answer is Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is; in my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

Jesus can set us free from that prison above our shoulders and give us a more peaceful, purposeful life. Because of my sinful nature I gave into it because it seemed natural to me. I was just over sexed or some other lie like that. The path that I was on seemed right to me because I was justified in all of it. If this or that didn't happen I wouldn't of done whatever, or if something wasn't said I wouldn't of done whatever. It was not till I was spiritually, morally and financially bankrupt that I really realized this path is non negotiable. I can not pave my own way. This path I was on was ending in a very bad spot. Proverbs 14:12; There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. That is what I was endanger of. The spiritual death of your soul is no joking matter and not one to be taken lightly. Remember I have said I was at a point in my life where I could feel and sometimes see the evil around me. Jesus was warning me the pornography, affairs, prostitutes, strippers and whatever else was claiming me, not me it.

This is the last thing I have to say about today. Tomorrow may not have a today. What if this is your last day on this Earth? What if its mine? Once we die, it is too late to repent. It is too late to change. That is why today is so much more important than any other day. It may be our last chance at salvation. It may be our last chance to turn things over to God. Our death comes at a time we will not expect. Since I have given my life to God I have gone to bed repenting for the things I have done and fight the things my mind tells me to do. I have accepted the gift therefore I can not return even as excruciating as the draws can be some days.

I implore all who read this to learn from my mistakes, listen to the scriptures presented, and repent today because tomorrow may never come. Let God take charge of your days on this Earth and whole heartily try to do the right thing. You will fail, I have. The nice thing is today offers restarts at anytime.

Today may be the best day of your life. Today the possibilities are endless. Today you don't have to act out.

Father in Heaven, we owe you thanks when our eyes open to a new day. We pray Father that today you are in charge and you help us through the day. Help us to grow in the knowledge that you have created our hearts and our minds. We wish to honor you and our families and ourselves by having the heart and mind in agreement and action. So for today Father we give up our addictions to you to help us through the day. If so blessed for another today, tomorrow, we ask the same and everyday we have left. Father we pray this in the name of the one who offers us salvation and rest, Your Son Jesus Christ, Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Surrender, sacrifice, and service

Having a life in recovery with Christ is no different than a garden. A desire to "grow" leads to a seed being planted.  This seed is nurtured, fed, and tended lovingly.  The garden is kept free of weeds that if given the chance will choke the life right out of what you've planted.  What you will harvest is beyond imagination and your bounty will be more than blessed if you plant first with Christ at the heart of it.  This takes surrendering your life and will to His, sacrificing yourself for Him and His plan for you, and serving Him daily by living a life that puts others needs ahead of our own.  It will take these three S's to grow a bountiful garden planted in Christ rich soil. 

You can't have one without having the other, or at the very least without being called to another.  Follow me for a minute here...to surrender means to relinquish control.  For many of us, if we are relinquishing control of something we want, we are sacrificing our wants, and if God wants us to surrender and sacrifice our own needs to meet the needs of others, we are serving both our God and our siblings in Christ. 

How do you accomplish this task? By having an attitude of Christ.  In a letter to the Philippian church Paul wrote:

Philippians 2:1-11; Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from His love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing whole heatedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and one purpose.
Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too.
You must have the same attitude Christ Jesus had:

Though He was God, He did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead He gave up His divine privileges, He took up the humble position of a slave and was born a human being. When He appeared in human form He humbled Himself in obedience to God and died a criminals death on a cross.
Therefore, God elevated Him to the place of highest honor and gave Him the name above all other names. That at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in Heaven and on Earth and under the Earth. And every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the Glory of God the Father.

Remember the slogan that came out a few years ago WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) Well lets talk about what He would want us to do. It is just one addicts opinion take what you want from it.

Surrender: (Planting the garden) As you know step 1 says, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that lives have become unmanageable". So we have to surrender ourselves to the fact we have a problem with using sex and having unhealthy sexual behaviors that lead to rather life complicating situations and unwanted emotional dependency on sexual activity of various forms. To counteract this activity we have to do like step 3 says "decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him". Then we have to surrender our problem and our lives over to Him because He can help us over come the lies the enemy tells us and help us the learn the truth that He promises us. We have to depend on our creator not our computer, strip club, adult book store or latest tryst. I wouldn't say this unless I was not doing it myself. An example of this is I work at a place where there is a lot of female customers. My wife understands that it is not one specific person that can trigger me but a lot of skin can. Therefore, I say to God a helpful prayer, usually daily, "God help me stay focused, help me keep my mind and my eyes focused, and when I start to get on the wrong path please Lord pull me back." and He helps, but I have to surrender my addiction to Him daily. Otherwise, experience tells me it can go bad quickly. To have an attitude of Christ with surrendering our problem to Him to is no different than when Jesus dedicated His ministry to the Father. We have to dedicate our recovery to Him.

Sacrifice: (Tending the garden) This is where the weeds that choke the life out of a Garden come in. By nature addiction is selfish. The negative sacrifices that occur around the world in addiction dramatically affect families, spouses, jobs, finances and peoples sense of worth. We give up a lot of things to satisfy the addiction and make sure it is well cared for. We have to sacrifice our selfishness to recover. There is no other way. You can not recover and still hold on to this part of it or that part of it, because holding on to one piece of the addiction can basically make that part grow like a weed that ends up taking back over a garden. By example I tell you, that will happen every single time. I can not tell you how to sacrifice the addiction because you know how far and to what extent you have gone and what it will require you to give up the problem. The only thing I can really say is look at the positives in your life and decide not to be selfish enough to ruin those things. People remember, kids remember, everyone remembers even if they forgive you. You have a chance now to water and weed a different garden. One that produces bountiful things, and completely bull doze the one that sucks the life out of you and your family. Now let me leave you with one final thought on sacrifice: Christ sacrificed His life to give us life. We will not recover if Christ is on the Cross and self is on the throne. To recover we must put Christ on the throne and Self on the cross and sacrifice the life of our addiction to gain a life with Christ. Plain and simple that is the only way. Because who are we to think that we can share the throne and don't need to nail our sacrifice to the Cross, when Jesus Himself was nailed to it.

Service: (Harvesting the Garden) This is where maybe I will sound a bit harsh but oh well. When Queen Elizabeth was a little girl she got in trouble and she felt bad, and her nanny saw her in her room talking to herself in the mirror and Elizabeth said "You are the future Queen of England, NOW ACT LIKE IT!" We are children of God and we must ACT LIKE IT! To serve others is what we are called to do. Addicts can not serve anyone but ourselves. In recovery we have a chance to slow down and think about others. We have the chance to change our way of thinking by thinking of others. In doing so we develop new senses of responsibility to our fellows which helps us get outside of ourselves in the more crucial moments when we feel ourselves wanting to act out. Just like Queen Elizabeth did, we will say our own things to ourselves in the mirror. In serving others we do harvest God like responsibility to help and do. We begin to feel better inside, like we actually have worth and can give back. We have to look at others first and ourselves second. There are many ways to serve others: service work at your meetings like making coffee, buying donuts, things like that. We can open a door for someone that has their hands full, buying someone a cup of coffee or giving them $5 for some gas to get to work. Smile at someone who looks sad. It doesn't have to be a mission trip over seas, it just has to be outside of yourself in an effort to help another somehow.

So you see having an attitude of Christ is basically living and loving right. WWJD is a good slogan, it is not an advertising campaign, it is a way of life worth striving for. Let me share the Parable of the Farmer scattering seed to demonstrate the garden theory of surrender. sacrifice and service:

Matthew 13:3-9; Jesus said, "Listen! A farmer went out to plant some seeds. As he scattered them across his field some seeds fell on a foot path and the birds came and ate them. Other seeds fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seed sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow. But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they did not have deep roots they died. Other seeds fell among thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants. Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and they produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted!  Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.

Plant yourself and your recovery in Christ and blossom where you are planted. Be transformed from an annoying weed to something beautiful. Tend your garden because no one will do it for you. Basically it comes down to this: in the movie Shawshank Redemption,the main character Andy said this after being turned down for parole, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'" it is your choice.

Father in Heaven, we spoke today of our recovery and our relationship with you being like a garden. Many of us do not know gardening of this sort. We ask that you teach us and give us the proper tools to grow in a relationship with You. That we let go of the lies the world tells us and that we tend to others needs to help them grow and to help ourselves grow by learning how to love one another like Christ loves us. Humbly we submit, that you may help us blossom. Father we pray this in the Precious name of  your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Rest

People used to say to me, "you look tired" in retrospect I guess I was. The energy that went into my addiction required a great deal from me. I gave more to my lies and my obsessions than I did my own wife and family. Three decades of giving to the addiction and taking from others wore me out, so yeah I can see why I had bags under my eyes, looked a little pale now and again, not eating or sleeping right can do that to a guy. There is some photographs of me in where I just looked plain horrible, almost sick, especially the more recent years. I don't mean to come across as dramatic but I have thought about how I looked to myself in the mirror, I do recall the grayness and lack of life in my eyes, it hit me just now that the discoloration was emotional, mental and physical exhaustion. Some days I didn't even recognize the reflection that looked back at me, because that man was not the man I dreamed of being when I was younger. It wasn't my childhood aspiration to become a struggling sex addict, with no college education, failed relationships and at one point no hope for being any better than the token I slipped in the video slot. Not always but sometimes. I needed to be that man so I could be this man today, a man that can hold his head up high and say "I love God and have been blessed for my life to bring Him glory". You know what else? I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and my eyes were white, a little red cause I just woke up, but white nonetheless. Also I realized no one has told me "you look tired" for going on quite a while. That is God and that is worth a lot.

In writing these short articles, it is to educate those who don't know and help those that do and share God's word to help others and myself gain some hope and make wiser decisions. With that being said why is "Rest" such an important thing? Some days it is everything to a sex addict. We who have this problem will tell you, "if I could only have just one day where I don't think about it. That would be heaven." It really would, because even to this day my obsessions can get the best of me if I don't pray about them to be taken away or ask for help to manage them. Before I had God as a regular part of my life, my obsessions created a significant amount of problems. Sleeplessness because my mind wouldn't stop thinking about sex, lack of concentration of getting simple daily things done because I ran out of time to do chores once I got it to subside, or I sat in a depression of having to deal with this need. I would become emotionally absent from my wife, unattached from our marriage and lost in my own world of sex, anger, depression and resentments. Using excuses for my behaviors, hiding things to keep my secrets, telling lies and taking risks that I had no right taking. All for these obsessions that flooded me sometimes daily for months on end. One day of rest from sex would have been really nice. Sort of like the credit card commercials: Hooker $20..., video rental $4.99, 3 days on porn site $1.99, one day without thinking of sex...Priceless!

That is what the enemy has to offer us. Jesus made us a different offer to get through this life. One that I am trying very hard to take Him up on and am seeing the rewards it has to offer. In the scripture I found for rest He talks of taking on His "yolk" and yoked to another by definition means: being united to another in order to work together. In doing so their work is considerably easier. By taking Jesus up on His offer our burdens and obsessions will become much more manageable. Matthew 11:28-30; Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my Yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls; For my Yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Sound a bit more inviting than going it alone? I think so. By following Jesus I got the white back in my eyes and my life is easier to navigate without trying to cover my tracks or remember what lie I told who or where. I struggle but I have God to help me out. When my mind won't rest when my body wants to I ask God to make it so and He does. I am learning to be a partner to my wife instead of the addict she lives with. That is a "yoke" worth taking on. Yes I have burdens but Jesus didn't promise we wouldn't have any. He just said the ones I give are light. Meaning to me anyway, that He doesn't give us anything we can not handle with Him. He also carries the burdens for us sometimes, i.e. the footprints poem. "It was then that I carried you" is how that one ends.

Jesus offers us the rest we need. He gave us salvation and He did that through dying on the cross for us, He also offers rest in many forms...scripture, prayer, counselors, supports, friends, and recovery programs. Speaking of which in recovery we will and have found rest. Because Jesus offered us a way to live a life not so heavy laden by providing those who are sick a way to get better through people He put on this Earth like Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson of Alcoholics Anonymous. They wrote of the nine promises that come true in a spiritual program of recovery. In the fourth edition of the "Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book"-pages 83-84 these promises are spelled out. They are as follows per Alcoholics Anonymous writers: If we are painstaking about this phase development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. The writers continue on to say, Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. A true spiritual program of recovery, this is what is waiting for us who choose to get better and give our life over to God and seek His will for us. Scripture promises it and people are living it. Rest is Jesus and our eternal rest is what we forge through this life to receive. He teaches us to achieve it if we seek Him and obey Him. In Isaiah 57:2; the bible speaks of this: it says: For those who follow Godly paths will rest in peace when they die.

Long story short; I want rest, you want rest, we all want rest. Jesus is the way to get it. This life will run us into the ground if we let it. This life will also put us in the ground if we let it. So lets not. Remember for me and this life, it has been three decades, for you maybe the same or more, others less. Some not yet but will if they are not careful. Therefore, lets get better and take the rest of our time to work on a better life, more peaceful life and a life that offers us more rest than we have ever had before. You have the scripture and promise from Jesus Himself, AA's promises in writing for a more peaceful-restful life, what else can be said about this? Make the choice for these choices it is worth it. It is not easy at first, but it gets better, it will be up and down but always the worst day with Christ is better than the best day in addiction.

I would close with a prayer but you know exactly what you need rest from. God is just a breath away so I will let you and encourage you to choose your own closing prayer to this one.

Jason.

quitting

In his speech to resign from the Presidency, George Washington said, "Grace is knowing when it is time to leave".

Part of my addiction was the thrill and the danger of overcoming the odds. That the more I did without getting arrested or killed was just fuel to a fire that was starting to burn out of control. I am lucky to be alive today and to tell this story. I remember one night that should of been a red flag to me that it was time to address my growing problem was, I picked up a prostitute that guided me to a "good spot" and upon arrival  reached up and grabbed the keys out of my ignition. I asked what she was doing and demanded them back. She looked at me and said "see that man?", there was a man that appeared on sidewalk, He had a gun pointed directly at the car. She said "give me what you got, and don't make a move, believe me honey he ain't scared to protect me" I lost close to hundred dollars in cash and an expired credit card. She then took my keys and threw them into an abandoned lot where I had to find them in the dark, with only a cigarette lighter and a street light. The situation angered me I spent hours looking for that girl. I called my wife and told her I had a break down on my bus and they are having trouble getting to me right now. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do if I found her, but that anger turned into exhilaration, it was dangerous prowling the streets of the gang neighborhoods. It was a defining moment because then I developed my own set of rules, "we go where I say if you don't like it then there is the door'. I drove around in the late nights looking for my own spots. Reality should of told me I was lucky and that maybe this isn't the best life for me to lead, but like always stupidity beats reason.

There was another time where a prostitute friend of mine, and regular supplier, got me out of a potentially dangerous situation. I was parked in an abandoned gas station with her and gang members entered the lot. She told me stay in the car and do not get out no matter what they say. She  knew these guys and talked the situation down. She told me "it is a good thing I knew you or they would have took your money or worse because this is their area, I didn't think they would bother you if I was in here sorry". Another time I should have realized that I have a problem that could take my life. It was scary but didn't make the impact it should of.

The one situation that did tell me it was time to stop was I was driving home from another night on the streets when this woman appears out of nowhere, jumps into my car at a red light and says "you got to get me out of here he is going to kill me, just go! I will make it worth it!" I did go because the man she was running from burst through the door of the building she must of run out of and fired a shot. I hit the gas and collected my fare. It scared the heck out of me, so naturally being a sex addict what she was offering soothed my nerves. I vowed no more that was the icing on the cake. This life was getting too risky. Yeah I told myself  beating the odds was cool but I really had to examine whether or not I really wanted to risk losing my life. That was the first time I quit. That lasted only a few days. Then I was right back out there, only in a new area. It didn't change, guys sell women, guys protect their investments, drugs are part of the geography of the land and we all know how dangerous the drug world is. Gangs, pimps, and prostitutes who steal from you. Each area offered its own dangers.

I went through years of trying to stop or trying to change behaviors, I always found an "excuse" for acting out. But lets be real, from one sex addict to another, excuses are what keep us in this life. I went to the porn shop because..., I picked her up because..., my wife doesn't do this, that or the other thing... or because she does this... I have a right to action on the side..it will "help" our marriage. These are just a few excuses we use to justify our actions and ones that always helps us feel better. Despite how we feel after we make these excuses we continue to return, whether we quit for a time afterwards or not, we always return because we feel it is our nature and we don't know how to be different. For me loosing my life was no longer a factor, I tried to take my own a couple of times, if someone could do it for me, all the better because the pain, the stress, the guilt, the shame of it all, the pain I caused and saw and the embarrassment that went along with different things being discovered mounted over a period of years. Till I felt hopeless and did not try to quit anymore. I quit quitting. That of course found me in a divorce from my wife, my porn addiction escalated and ended up costing me a couple of thousand more in bank overdrafts, finance charges, and membership fee's to porn sites. I also increased my drinking more than what I was doing before our seperation, so basically I spun out of control again. Until I felt even more hopeless than before, this time I could really feel my spirit starting to die. A life that leads to death is what this is, it is like a cancer that eats away your morals and values until there is nothing left, it kills your spirit. When that happens Satan can pull your strings like a puppet, he has got you where he wants you, desperate, hopeless, lonely, broke, suicidal and he will make his own offers to sow up your eternal destiny with him. Do not fall for it, as long as you are still breathing there is hope and change available to you.

It honestly was not till "Grace" appeared in my life that I was able to make the change needed. I have quit going to the porn shop, I have set some limitations on my computer use and try to evaluate days that I don't think are good for me to be on the Internet, I avoid prostitute areas and bars, I don't go cruising for the lone woman walking at night and offer her a ride. I have been able through prayer, support, counseling, and a love that I gave up and risked not being able to get back, that I can really assess my lifestyle and what is really important to me. Now keep in mind it was through great emotional loss and pain, financial ruin, suicide attempts, treatment, and just an honest evaluation of where I was at and where I could be, and honestly where my soul could end up that brought me to your eyes today. For all of that I am truly grateful. That God loved me enough to be with me through the dark and take me to a light now that fills me. He has given me knowledge of His offer and that of the enemy.

What is the price tag? Dying to myself and be born into a life for Christ. With that comes a responsibility to Him, whom has given me so much. We must sacrifice our own selfish desires and remember life isn't about the sex. Sex is a part of life. We must try to honor Gods intention with our sexuality and quit trying to make it about our kind of sex. Like I have said our type of sex is sin and Jesus died to save us from our choices and offers us repeated chances to change. But in exchange for a gift that is free to everyone we have to honor that gift and treat it as Holy otherwise what is the point in even believing in it? Jesus doesn't want us to take this gift He paid dearly for and treat it as "hey Jesus thats really cool, thanks. I will treasure it always" and then put in the drawer and forget about it, or take it out when company comes. I have come to understand that my choices made a mochary of the Cross, I said I believed but did not act, I asked for help but gave little in return, I judged but did not want to be judged. I was Christian when I wanted to be Christian. Was I a horrible person? I do not believe so, I just wasn't being a responsible child of God. I treated people well and was charitable, but also was very hurtful to people and used them as well for my own gain and comfort. Therefore, my heart couldn't be given to God because it was too divided in other areas. As it is now sometimes. Long story short belief requires responsibility and sacrifice, by no means do I believe anyone is perfect at this, but it's where our hearts desires are that matters. We have to try to be true to God and ourselves and our families. This is where change is possible because it give us purpose to try, but we can't keep the back door open to escape, otherwise we are just spinning our wheels. I found this scripture which is a Charge from God to prove that we have to be true to this gift because there is consequences, whether we like it or not.

Hebrews 10;28-30: For anyone who refused to obey the law of Moses was put to death without mercy on the testimony of just two or three witnesses. Just think how much worse the punishment will be for those who have trampled on the Son of God, and have treated the Blood of the covenant, which made us holy, as if it were common and unholy, and have insulted and disdained the Holy Spirit who brings God's mercy to us. For we know the one who said, " I will take revenge. I will pay them back" He also said, "The Lord will judge His own people".

Maybe you haven't lost enough to want to quit, but let me share one very important, if not crucial bit of information with you. Alcoholics Anonymous has set the bar in recovery because they knew this about the problem, if the thing you have lost or are about to lose, is more important to you than the (in our case sex) then you are ready for recovery. Chew on that and ask yourself, "Is this really worth it or is there something better waiting for me?"

Quitting is the first step, sustaining is the next. God will help you do that, support groups and counselors will help you do that, I will help you do that and you can help me. Together we can beat it and God has His own thing in store for us, we just have to die to ourselves. We only get one shot at this life, we know Sex of our type is sin. If we believe we know the stakes, if you don't believe in God are you sure you are right? Do you really want to risk it? Twenty minutes in your back seat getting pleasure and risking being arrested is nothing compared to twenty minutes in a place that offers no pleasure and no return. So again, are you sure you are right? Let me asure you there is a God and may you find Him now. If you want to find Him but don't know how call  1-800-525-5683 they have people on staff that will help you and answer questions.

Father in Heaven, sometimes our flesh fails and heart aches, we have sought comfort in sexual situations and still we feel as if inside we are dying. To pull ourselves from this torturous life is hard to do as we have tried many times. Father it is my prayer today that for those who still suffer and do not want to, that they find you and successfully walk with you out of this Hell on Earth because with You all things are possible. We pray this in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Power

The Power of His name.  Jesus, Your name is... ("The Power of His Name" by Lincoln Brewster)

Step 1 is to admit we are powerless.  But sobriety is anything but powerless.  It is where we draw our power from that is key to our recovery. 

To have power over our sobriety and recovery means willfully giving over power to the one and only that is able to reign over our addictions.  Jesus. With Jesus, all things are possible.  Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."   We are not alone.  We were never meant to take this journey alone.  We were given the Power of Christ to overcome the enemy.

Isaiah 40;29-31: He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust the Lord will find new strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

There is power in a power. When we turn our lives over to the care of God we become much more centered on what we are doing and why we are trying to do it. When you think of a life without this addiction, it is as I have said before scary and exhilarating. But we have to admit we can not do it own our own and that God is the answer to it all. This is not a new concept, 12 step groups all over the world make God the center and the key to the recovery process. Treatment centers teach the 12 steps and offer church services on Sunday's or will take you to one (some of them anyway). But we have draw on a power greater than ourselves. In doing so we are taking power over our addiction and we are drawing power from an unending source of power, God.

Lets take a look at the 12 steps where God is key to that step:
Step 2: We came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: We decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another Human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6: We are entirely ready to have God remove our defects of character.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of Gods will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.

Prayer starts all 12 step meetings, the Serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

They also end in prayer, the Lords prayer: Our Father who art in Heaven, hollowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, the "power" and the Glory, forever and ever, Amen.

God is the power we need in our lives. For a very long time I felt powerless over this addiction. I felt hopeless, and it seemed like it was never going to get any better. I was telling my wife the other night that when I wrote about this subject I wanted to get across how much more "powerful" I feel then ever before. God has been the reason for that. In the world I always felt like an actor, a fraud, like I wasn't like everyone else and they certainly were not like me. For those who have this addiction and are reading this than you can relate to what I am about to say. For those who don't have this but want to understand more than this is for you. Imagine living a lie, waking up not fitting in your own skin, knowing that the day faces new challenges that you detest but you know will come up, or feeling guilt from the night before over something you have done or have forced someone else to do. Feeling constantly dirty, I have had days where I was in the shower and I just didn't feel clean. And despite what you want for yourself inside, the addiction kicks in with a thought, a sight, a fantasy, a dream from the previous night, a touch to yourself or someone else and the cycle starts all over again. Then once again you are feeling so set apart from everyone, they are not having my day, they aren't thinking what I am, they must not find out who I am. I must fit in and act like they do that way nobody will know who I really am.  I could go on with that thought and speak in volumes the way we who are sexually addicted feel, think and react. However, that is not the point of this, the point of this is, now with God in my life, I feel much more in control of my day and how I feel. I have God to go to in my turbulent episodes and slowly but surely I am fitting more into the world than ever before. The reason for that is I drew on a power that is offered to absolutely everyone on this planet. That power is God and may you find Him.

There is power in recovery, there is power in a relationship with Christ, there is power in dreaming and wanting, there is power in trying, there is power in admitting weakness, there is power in seeking strength and there is power in living better. What kind of power? The power of loving yourself enough to seek those very things out. God already loves us, we just have to love ourselves enough to get better and to find our way home to God. There is absolutely no one on this Earth that is not going to receive His love if they seek it and ask for it. We have taken power and control over others on a regular basis, but never ourselves. What we have now is a means to do it. I can continue seeking God or I can turn away. I could keep trying to live better or I can go back. I have the power to make that decision and God gives me the power to make that decision. He wants us to choose Him, but He leaves the power of that choice in our hands. Just know that my story, and the story of Hundreds of thousands of sex addicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, and countless others have God at the center of their recovery. That is just a plain fact, other wise if it did not work to have a relationship with God then there would be no more church's, no more 12 step meetings, no more missions, no more books that speak of a relationship with Christ, and sadly there would be no more hope. Now what kind of world would that be. My story is one of many, Power I have gained is one example of millions over the ages. Power you can gain; another testimony of God's redeeming love. Are you worth it? You have to answer that for yourself. Do I think you are worth it? Darn right I do! Tap into a power that loves you, because the power that controls sex addiction hates you. Satan uses us as pawns in a chess game that will claim our souls one day. You have the power to pick up the board and go home.

Father in Heaven, you alone have the power to save us from a life that means death. You give strength to the powerless and you do not grow weary. We ask in the precious name of Jesus that you help us tap into the power that you provide and give so freely to us. We as a people left on our own will fall victim to Satan and stay stuck with no hope, no dreams, no strength, and no purpose. You are clearly the key to recovery and you offer an ending to one story and the beginning of another. For those who feel you but do not act, and fear you but do not hear you, may they have the one moment of weakness where you Father, are able to step into their hearts and start a work in their lives. Also that once that work is started that they have the desire to want better and ask for the power to keep striving towards recovery one day at a time. We ask this in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.

Obstacles

What is an obstacle? By definition it is anyone or anything that blocks or alters your path. There are many kinds of obstacles as you know. However, we have to overcome them or they will continue to block our way to a recovery. I thought about what some of the biggest obstacles we face in trying to recover from this addiction are and my wife had pointed out that fear was a big one. I agree. Fear is a debilitating obstacle that can stop us right in our tracks. It can also cause some of the worst acting out habits, if we let fear get the best of us. Really the only way to overcome a fear is to address it and deal with it. For example; when choosing to get better I had a fear of not living with this disease because it is all I knew, I also had a fear of living with the disease because that is all I knew how to do. But I had to make a choice- live in fear or rejoice in freedom. So I made my way to groups, a recovery center, I had some ups and downs, a divorce, and embarked on a rather painstaking process to get a meeting started in my hometown, wherein I had too present myself to my community only to be shunned, put down and degraded. Faith in God and the courage to overcome fears worked because someone eventually said yes we need this. Now I have a program, friendship and support but I had to get out of my bubble and risk somethings. I am glad I did. Everyone has a fear or fears of something, but once you address the fear and take the risk of overcoming, it is no longer a fear but simply something you have done before. Easier said than done you maybe saying? You are absolutely right, it easier to say and a heck of a lot harder do. No sugar coating on that because sometimes it can really stink. Your alternative is to live in fear and not experience what life may have in store for you as you open up a new door. It is your choice however. I myself choose to overcome and live.

Complacency, like fear, is a self induced obstacle. Yes we sex addicts tend to shoot ourselves in the foot with this one. My experience with complacency is relapse, anger and a plethera of other psychological terms. Beware of the idle recovery. It is easy, extremely easy, to think we are doing better so we can let some things go, or we start skip meetings or forget to read the devotional (I am guilty of all these things). We become complacent and then something happens and we react with acting out, selfish anger, or utter confusion as to why in the heck whatever it is just occurred. Then we are knocked off our feet because we didn't remain proactive in our recovery. Which leaves us faced with an obstacle that we must overcome because we can't ignore it. An example of this from my life is I became complacent with my recovery and slowly but surely anger started to build, my masturbation increased, which made me depressed, which made me angry again, which caused displaced resentment to make myself feel better, which in turn was followed by lack of communication, all because my ego told me I was strong enough and I was getting better. When actually what was happening was, I was forgetting how to live right and did what was comfortable to me. Which left no re-routing when obstacles came my way, instead I smacked right in to them and knocked myself out. Do not think, and take it from a guy who has been there and still struggles with complacency, that you don't need to do certain things in your recovery. Because recovery is a set of tools that you collect and work with. Complacency tells you that you can leave the tools for today you don't need them and before you know it you need a tool and you are nowhere near your toolbox. That is how we shoot ourselves in the foot. This a common obstacle in recovery. You have been warned do with it what you want. My hope and prayer is that my mistakes can help someone not make the same. So I truly wish you keep this obstacle in the front of your mind so as to not repeat my patterns or some of your old destructive ones.

These are just two of some of the major obstacles we face in recovery. We all know there are tons more out there. I have developed ways to deal with obstacles in my life and a big one is prayer. Reason being is simple; faith fades fear, and commitment combats complacency. My commitment is getting stronger, as well as my faith. Therefore, I am enjoying a higher quality of life and I get blessed with some days that are just plain peaceful. My turbulent days stay turbulent if I don't turn to prayer. But on the other hand my turbulent times are settled with a commitment to settle it with prayer and a faith that God will provide it to me if I ask. Which He does. Satan wants us to keep us down and God wants to raise us up. Prayer is valuable, useful and absolutely neccessary. I have tried being my own God and I haven't done near as good as God has settling my mind. He is waiting for us. Go search Him out and let Him take you by the hand through and around obstacles.

In looking at scripture for this particular subject I was blessed to be able to read about people in the Bible that dealt with some major obstacles and they over came them with faith and commitment. The book of Job, the book of Nehemiah, and the story of Caleb in the book of Numbers. All these stories just provided me with a sense of wow if that can be done or that can be overcame, then I know in my life it is possible for me to overcome as well. The main point to all these stories was God remained faithful to them, their faith and commitment got stronger. and some wonderful things were done in peoples lives including their own because of what they had to overcome. I encourage you to read these books. I could tell you about them but I think God describes it better (He usually does) and I wouldn't do any of these men justice.

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a quote from Jesus Himself about obstacles; He was talking to His disciples shortly before His arrest about who He was and the reason He was here and this is what He said to them (and us) John 17:33; "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world".

Jesus is telling us, it is going to get rough, it is going to stink but He will be there and He will help us. Essentially also I think by Him saying "Here on Earth" He is telling us, all these things are temporary and there is a reward for overcoming and staying steadfast in belief that God can help us overcome our obstacles.

My prayers are with you. Jason.