Confession

I have talked to you about my struggles with this addiction to sex. I have talked about what you may struggle with and what to look for. I have not touched on what I am struggling with right now. See, I wrote this to help others recover from their sexual addiction and to help myself recover from it as well. Sadly, that message was lost because you need to here I am struggling as much as I need to admit it. The last couple of weeks I have thought to myself how can I help others when I am struggling to help myself? My soon to be wife pointed out to me that is when I need to do this the most. She is right. So right that this is a no brainer and I got so caught up in my defeat, that my embarrassment of the problem overshadowed the intent of the blog. So I dropped the ball on you and myself and most importantly God.

So lets talk about my Masturbation problem! I have given so much up to God to help me with this addiction. My porn issues, women in bars, women anywhere for that matter. The fights to stay away from all things that would send me back to that horrible life that I so dearly treasured and hated all these years. However, the one thing I keep giving up and taking back is Masturbation. The earlier blogs talked about this issue and not objectifying the women of the past in "euphoric recall" and I thought to myself, "I believe I found a back door on that one" what if it is about the woman I love and "Love" we made not the "sex" we had. Also what if it was about future "Love making" sessions. Surely that would be ok. I know what your thinking, and your right... it is a cop out and a rationalization that measures up to a full bucket of horse pucky. I can't make it past 3 days right now. I pray about it and ask Him to take away those feelings and I feel confident that He will help me and God does like the true Father he is. However, day 3 rolls around and the thoughts are multiplied and amplified and I touch myself just enough to feel better, then I think I touch just a little more but if I don't have an orgasm then it really wasn't masturbating "fully". It is a lie as much as "oral" isn't really sex because I didn't penetrate her.
Why do you ask is it a problem? Well I am glad I asked that question for you. The answer is I am in limbo right now, everything is up in the air, my life is feeling out of control and that I am just a passenger. Masturbating is familiar to me, its a control thing. Don't get me wrong I am not full of garbage in the things I have shared and the things I have offered to help, because prayer, counsel, meetings, sponsors, phone calls all help; they do. I just haven't utilized them remotely in a helpful way on the third day. So I struggle. I am the living proof it is not a perfect recovery, the world doesn't stop for us to get better, and that the lies we tell ourselves can be outlandish enough that we think we are actually being healthy little addicts.

Be careful with what you think and what you do. I wish to break all the chains that bind me to sexual addiction including this one. The more I stay stuck the longer I am not the full child of God I could be. I will pray for you and would you pray for me?

Holiday season

Lets first take a look at the true meaning of Christmas: Luke 2:11-12 "Today in the town of David, a savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you; you will find a baby wrapped in cloth and lying in a manager." The birth of Jesus Christ, who was born to deliver mankind and grant salvation and eternal life to those who believe. The greatest day in the history of the world is spelled out in the Gospels. Christmas is a celebration of that birth and the gift that he would give the world later in life. That is what it is about for me and always has been. I remember getting frustrated with the whole Christmas thing. Shopping, bank accounts being drained so people could give each other gifts, the stress of the families so thankful to be together and then wanting to kill each other. Then there is the token church service, how is that God honoring? Oh I can go on and on with whats wrong with Christmas. But what good would that do? Nothing. I will state my view once and let it go. I have always wanted to celebrate the birth and do that by, celebrating with all the better things life has to offer. Simple meals, no gifts for every single person we know and are related to. A simple gift to the one you love that says I love you. People get to tied up in a lot of tradition that doesn't mean anything. I say get tied up in experiencing your family and your God. Santa wasn't in the Bible a but kind man in a European village is in the history books. He just wanted to spread good will and cheer to the children of his village. He was considered a Saint for what he did. "Ole' Saint Nick". Santa Claus was invented by Coca Cola in the early 1900's as part of an advertising campaign. Yes Santa Claus is a Copyrighted piece of the Coca Cola company and receives royalties from its uses and owns Contracts dictating the use of the Jolly ole elf. Yes they are making a killing off of "Good ole' Saint Nick" . That my friends is my Christmas tangent. But before I finish have you ever seen a seen a gift tag that says, "Happy birthday Jesus"?



But what does that have to do with sex addiction? Well nothing really except its my blog and I wanted to express that view. But Christmas season is a dangerous time of year for us. I want to share some my Christmas struggles that could serve as warning signs to you, that perhaps you are not in a good spot. For example, Malls are very bad places for us at Christmas. Can we avoid them? No. Perhaps some of us may need to though. But Malls on weekends and some select weeknights of extra special sales can prove to be very trying for us. Women and groups of them, trudging through the mall, sipping hot drinks and covering the food courts. Smiles and giggles; get my point? Why put yourself in that situation. Because sometimes it threw me into a sexual tailspin and for me it needed to get released one way or another.

Shopping with my wife or significant other also sometimes was a bad spot for me. Although I enjoy the window shopping and lunch thing, sometimes I got really bored or irritable. If I got bored I fantasized about taking her in the dressing room, or trying to watch the bottom of her door in what ever dressing room she was in. And if I couldn't see her door I would need something else to fill my time. Fantasy life or browsing the underwear which ironically is always right next to the dressing rooms. If not underwear it was always something provocative that said, "ooooh Ooooh! try me on while you are in there too!" Then when I got bored with that I would start to get irritable.. whether I showed it or not. Then that entitlement came in as "ok I did this purse holding, patient thing for you. Now I want something from you" So if you are having a rough time, open your mouth and communicate so she knows (I didn't do that, so some of those days didn't end so great). Or stay home. Do something to keep from letting things get to you sexually.

Family is a whole new ball of wax. My wife's family and my own got me extra aroused at times. What I mean by that is amidst all the chaos I wanted sex. Because sex I understood, sex I could control, sex was solitude and alone time. Sex was relaxing. If I didn't get it, I would release it with masturbation. It seemed the orgasm was my victory moment. I needed that victory because I felt so out of control in those situations. Or I needed the victory because of controversy or arguments or judgements or something that the joy of Family brings at the Holiday season. Which is why I expressed frustration earlier about that. Why cant families just be happy to be together and not worry so much about judging or controlling one another. Because my honest thought alot of time was, this is such garbage, you people don't really care about sitting in this circle opening gifts. They want what we all want because of the world we live in, get whats theirs. The bigger the gift the more they are loved, for me it was the better the sex the more I am loved. Truly sometimes the gift I most wanted was what I unwrapped at the end of the night. That is what was the most special to me. But in general no matter what your beliefs are of family or how well you get along with them. Sex for control and familiarity may very well become an issue at some point so just be aware that unhealthy feelings could trigger something.

Money and stress are two of the biggest triggers we have. They are also the two biggest problems we have in the holiday season. I think it is not of the scope of possibilities that one or both of these thing will cause you to act out. They always did me whether it was Christmas or not. Sex is a means and a way to control and escape these two horrible things in our life. They are just more in your face at Christmas time. I don't know what your recovery program is or if you even have one. But if you want to get better know what sets you off about this season and stop it before it starts. These are the things that get to me, you may have an entirely different list than I do. But for the most part I speak of these things because these are pretty common among the sex addiction world. Just be aware of your surroundings and feelings and your family situations.

SHAME is another really bad feeling for us. We are around all this goodness and we feel dirty. We feel like a horrible person and a liar. Our secrets and our desires if revealed would just ruin this gathering and they wouldn't love me anymore. Or you worry about people looking at you like they do know about your secret even if they don't. Now lets get real, shame is a feeling we try to crush by acting out. Acting out could reveal you. That creates even more shame. But in an effort to feel better, we risk using the one thing that always helps; Sex. So do what you can to keep shame at a minimum in a healthy way. Prayer is always a good one.

Like I said at the beginning about my beliefs of Christmas. It should be a time of God and healthy family relationships, not about the biggest or the best gift possible to beat out somebody else. Jesus is the reason for the season! Santa lives because Coke allows it and we want that guy in the red and white fuzzy suit to make us smile. So we put him in malls, out on lawns, in movies, by fireplaces, heck we even feed him cold cookies and warm milk. Why? because we have grown to depend on BS holiday cheer. And the addiction we have can spark up at any moment amidst all this chaos. Santa doesn't matter, God doesn't matter (until afterwards anyway) and we just need to control something in our lives and something is usually sex. Be careful the holidays can wreck havoc on your mind and if you act out, what is going to happen and who is going to be affected? Guard your spirit and your mind. It doesn't make you weak, it keeps you and others safe.

Finally, in your prayers; don't forget to wish Jesus a Happy Birthday!

God knows what is best for us

Tonight I discussed a book that I have been very resistant to reading the last few months. It is about Gods plan for us and sexual relations. I had to examine why I was resistant to it. First it is going against the grain for me to think about sex in the terms it talked about it. That God wanted us to enjoy sex for the gift that it really is. For a sex addict of my type Abstinence is the "A" word. Now don't get me wrong, in my spiritual journey I want what God wants for me. But the words in that book ran together for me and I started to get confused and resistant to some of the wordings. My ex wife and soon to be wife again agreed that we would not have sex till we get married. That is when this book entered my life. She said read it and it will help you sort through what God wants for us. I agreed to read it (then did not) but I initially started our no sex agreement because I chose to respect her choice. I didn't necessarily agree with it. But I held back anyway. Now there were and are some very rough nights involved with this choice, especially after kissing for a long time. However, I believe my hard head had a break through recently and I want to share with it.

Tonight I told her that a couple of weeks ago I finally understood what she and God were trying to say and that I wanted it to. Sex for me has always been a means to gain control, feel better, escape, get what was rightly mine from the woman I was with or just be plain animalistic but there was always a reason. I did make love, in my mind though. Because recently I have struggled with "did I ever really make love to my spouse?" Because when I was feeling love, I had to really concentrate sometimes on not making it dirty, although dirty is what excited me and, well, you know, "did the job". So I really questioned whether there was ever a really honest session? There must of been, but you can see with my revelation of what God wants and what I did, that there is some doubt in my mind. But I digress a little. I realized that God wants a union granted by Him to bring him Glory. That the male/female unions were meant to be a wonderful gift of sharing and way to love one another. So I likened it to this: Say you had a favorite singer whose coming to town in six months. That person is your favorite singer, you love her, she sings to your heart and soul and just being in her presence would be awesome and you just really wanted to go to that concert. But in waiting for it, you go to other shows and they aren't quite as good but they give you a little something. So you go from show to show not feeling great afterwards, but you enjoyed it a little, but you never get truly fulfilled with what you were so badly looking forward to. By the time the original concert rolls around it is not the same, it doesn't mean as much. Abstinence gives you the perfect concert. Same scenario, but this time, you avoid all of the "distractions" of these other, lesser shows. You bide your time by listening to the c.d.'s of your singer, prepare as much as you can for that special night, and when it comes- holy cow! What a night! I want that with her. To join physically with her in the presence of a granted union, this actually means something to me. So even though it is completely against my grain to say "NO", I know our wedding night will be of true oneness with her. That is what God wants for us.

I have had promiscuous sex for years and never felt anything afterward except guilt, shame, or pride. I was so far removed from what God wanted and so closely connected to what I wanted. You guys can relate to what I am saying about that, I know you can. This has truly been a test of my resolve and commitment. But my choice now is the choice of Gods way, not just making the choice to respect her choice. I know I am in for something good that can fill my heart and soul. So in that sense maybe I still am a virgin to it.

I have talked with guys and listened to them, and they have listened to me about the guilt and shame that comes along with our addiction. The questions about our eternal destinations, the wreckage of trust, the tears at night from our loved ones, embarrassment we felt and they felt and it is nowhere close to being a gift. Agreed? If not your lying and you know it. Why can't we as sex addicts take control even just once and try to experience that and decide if that is what we want. The spirit within us when seeking a spiritual gift comes alive, it gives us strength and hope. The bible tells us to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. The Church is all who seek and believe. Jesus treasures his followers and loves them all. He is and was very selfless to the Church so that we may stay with him forever. That was on a Global and eternal scale that He was able to do that for millions and millions of people. God asks us to love just one the same way. Can it be done? Sure it can. Do I know how? I am learning and making choices to try. Will it fulfill me? Certainly. Will I grow and change my thinking? I believe it is only natural. Against the grain isn't so bad sometimes. It will grow you and challenge you for the better. The Bible gives us the answer and so will the eyes and touch of your loved one. We can break free. That is a gift worth getting and giving this Holiday season.

unmanageable

I was sitting in AA meeting tonight and it was a beginners meeting. Some of the newer ones shared about their lives up to this point and were excited for the future. I listened and listened as each new comer shared their woes and loses. The first step in AA and Sex Addicts anonymous are the same except for one or two key words. The first step for SAA is: We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. How true that is for many us that feel out of control of our own lives because of this addiction to sex. I want to share a little of my recent unmanageability with you so you know what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.

Imagine if you will an efficiency apartment in the ghetto side of town where a man sits alone with his thoughts that consume him about sex and lust. The excitement he feels about being alone with his thoughts uninterrupted by the world, because he shut it out. Then an idea strikes that is the answer to satisfy some of his immediate needs. That man is me. I decided one day that I could afford a computer from a local rental place. I could not of course but did it anyway. My marriage was over, the weather turning colder. That loneliness creeping in, the sense of loss great and the pity party was on. Everyone was invited, alcohol dropped in, depression brought him. Defeat and shame were the life of the party. Stupidity was the guest of honor though. So to entertain everyone I bought an Internet package because of my new roommate "computer". That is when it all unraveled for me. I told myself now I can check my banking, go to some of the movie and tv sites and watch shows online with my streaming Internet service. I thought this would get my mind of things, I can interact with the world without actually going out into it except when I wanted to. So I create an account and I am world wide. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, so I was told. Boy were they were right! I didn't watch shows on line like I thought I would. No my porn addiction was off to the races and the party continued 24/7.

First I started visiting the free porn sites, slowly at first just a few minutes to get a fix. Then it all started getting to me. It wasn't enough, I needed more. My obsessions developed with group sex and urine shots. I started to pay for memberships to certain sites. $1.99 for 3 days! Woo hoo I thought. My control issues developed again with bondage and submission. So I started frequenting those sites. More was needed. Soon I was spending more and more money. My sleep was getting less and I started to eat less. When I did eat it was fast food. Nothing healthy. I lost 15 pounds in a very short period of time. Now keep in mind I only weigh 147 pounds on good day. So you can imagine I couldn't afford to loose anything to begin with. Those three day memberships I either forgot about or paid for the 30 days. But the ones I forgot hit my bank account hard because I wasn't counting on that money being gone. Those sites if you don't cancel the membership will charge you the 30, 60 or 90 days at one time. So to make up for the overdrafts I took out advances and had to pay those back with a fee, and because I had to pay them back, I had to take out more just to survive and pay bills. My financial situation was a wreck.

Then I got addicted to down loading pictures and movies. I wanted my screen saver to run for a long time without repeating. So I went nuts down loading pictures to fill up my screen savers. Then I sat for hours just watching the screen saver feeling prouder the longer it got. Over 1100 pictures filled my computer screen. My goal was accomplished. So I thought, I bought a picture cd you could play on tv and I had it on tv and the computer at the same time. Sex was now my world. My finances were shot, my health was bad. Not to mention my smoking increased. The sickest part of it all was I thought, "this will keep me out of the bars and picking up the skanks" I thought I had found my answer to avoiding promiscuous sex. But my masturbation was out of control. It actually started staying in slight constant pain. So essentially my life spiraled out of control till I couldn't take it anymore.

I got rid of the computer and sought out the elder board of my church for prayer and confession. Something had to change or I was going to lose more than I already lost (and gave up because of this screwed up addictive thinking). The scary part was the drive and obsession. My memory was horrible. They say when you are active in your addiction your memory suffers. I lost entire summer. I didn't remember my town flooded till I was reminded of it. I didn't know times lines with my wifes and I's separation. That is pretty unmanageable I think.

If you are going through this get help. Talk to someone. Pray to God or whatever it is you feel comfortable doing. It will eat you alive other wise. Write me if you want. I just hate to see others going through it when God offers us so much more. He can rebuild you and take away desires. He wants to! From one sex addict to another, I have been to hell. Don't go there to. Change is possible and stopping is in the cards if you want to play them. I takes work and courage. Determination and faith. But it is possible. I am not cured, I am better.

Euphoric recall

This is a term used by the clinical field. We simply call it "remembering". Every sex addict has a certain situation or person that they use to provide pleasurable thoughts and in some cases actions. The reason for this, in my case anyway, is to provide comfort and it also helped me make sense of something when nothing else was making sense in my life. Fantasy life or euphoria is not uncommon at all. However, when it takes away from who you are by letting your mind go there, that is when it becomes a problem. What I mean is, I am trying to get better and help others get better. When my flesh fails and I recall something and get pleasure from it, then I have taken a step back. Because my version of a memory usually gets soiled with my own variations of the situation and it is not even remotely that precious memory others can have. Am I alone in this problem? I don't believe so.

Euphoric recall is always triggered by something. A person, a show, a situation, outfit someone has on, a picture, a word or phrase that was used by the person we are remembering, and even just emotions. But something always sends us there if we are not careful. Now I don't know about you but I am tired of this happening. I so want to glorify God and feel like a human should feel sexually. So when this pops up and I act on it, I feel like I have let down God and myself. It is getting increasingly harder to look myself in the eye afterward. I do however pray and confess it and ask for strength next time and forgiveness of what just occurred. I know God knows my heart and what I desire for my life, so I feel I can go to him ( I still struggle with embarrassment issues in front of him sometimes). But I know he is there and wants to help me fight this addiction.

What do we need to watch for? Everything. Cause anything can do it. Prayer is always a good tool, support groups and phone calls work to. We are at battle with our minds and our bodies. Victory is possible. Victory through Christ is the best course of action of course, but just try to get to victory somehow and don't let your mind and body win. Distract yourselves if you can, pray, go someplace different to avoid arousing reaction. Just do something.

Jesus is the great counselor and he will help you. Something to think about though, it is a short time we are on this earth and in the end we release the spirit God has placed within us. We need to honor that spirit now and protect it from evil as we ask to protect us from evil. Evil may be a strong word to some but seriously, is there anything wholesome about sexual addiction and all of its avenues? Not really.

So in conclusion just remember your mind can be your best friend and weapon or it can be your most bitter enemy. Recall something different and if you don't succeed try again. Pray and talk.
Protect and ask for protection. Jesus is there for you, He always will be.