Arrogance and Pride

Arrogance is the art of being self exalted and pride is its silent partner. These two things are by rights a short coming we have as being a person with a sexual addiction. My pride and arrogance training started early. After the abuse happened and I became inwardly angry with only some pressure released from time to time, I also became a prideful, arrogant, little snot away from the house. I didn't need school so I ditched, I wasn't going to be bullied so I fought, I couldn't afford something I took it, not just for the act of rebellion of doing it but also for the simple fact of I thought I was entitled to it. I felt these people have enough it isn't going to hurt them I have nothing. Notice all the "I"s in last few words. "I" have. That is just an example of my pride and arrogance early. Oh it gets worse, yes it does.

I used pride and arrogance as shield against the world. "Man the life boats! Me first!". I more than likely thought at the time nobody took care of me, I will take care of myself. I put a persona on away from the house; I was cool, I smoked, I didn't rush to school it was going to be there when I got there. I smarted off because who were they talking too like that?! I didn't ask for anything because I didn't need anything from anybody. The other part of that was I don't want to give anything back, or help them. If the truth be told, the world was always a very scary place for me. I didn't know who or when to trust. I learned to count on myself early. I built a fort around myself and raised walls to keep out the hurt. The world just had to exist right along with me not necessarily me being a part of it. That is how I thought, "I am independent of your BS just leave me alone, because look at me: DO I look like I need help?" That is how I functioned. At home it was a different story, I needed to be loved and cared for. I wanted my fathers attention. My memories of childhood with my dad consist of taking rides with him to the liquor store and getting a treat to take home, or riding around with him while he drank and I ate beef jerky and slurped on a grape soda. We were driving around because he wanted to get a couple in before he got home to mom so it didn't look like he was drinking as much. The "belt line": he would get the crazy idea when he was drunk that he would try out his new belts by spanking us as we ran down the hallway. Saying "lets see how this work if you guys act up." The sick part of it was he made it sound like a game and that's how I played with my Dad. A lot of stuff I did with him revolved around him drinking. I could spend some time on all of that, but the sentence would start or end with him drinking. However though, I am proud to say my Father went into recovery and has been sober for 26 years. My mother, I desperately needed her. My anger turned to co-dependency with her, I needed her to take care of me. After the abuse I started getting sick with ear, nose, and throat problems. Psychological I am going to guess, but nonetheless, sick. I loved being taken care of, cooking my soup, getting me 7-up, Mom was paying attention to me. She helped me on my paper route, we talked about grown up stuff sometimes, I felt good with her. I don't know where the anger went with her but I know it stuck around in the shadows for years. My brothers hated me, they told me so, they didn't want to spend time with me. They always tried to ditch me. I remember a baseball game for little league I was going to go to with them, they didn't want me to go but Mom persisted. While I was getting ready they left, I heard the door close; I opened to find them running and looking back. When they spotted me they stopped but I didn't go, I didn't want to be where I wasn't wanted. So its no wonder I wouldn't let the world hurt me, I was already being hurt at home.

Then my life changed. Pride and arrogance met manipulation. A match made in heaven! I could get what I wanted without asking or looking weak, I found a way for it to be offered to me. I just had to lie my butt off. Then I learned manipulation could accomplish a lot of tasks including making the world think I was one person while I lived a completely different life. Which of course brought on shame in my alone time. I wanted to be that well put together, nice, charming individual who people remember as being so nice. But in my mind I wasn't, in my mind I was this sick despicable person who lies, cheats and steals. My outward arrogance got more refined. I took compliments and fed on them for the longest time. Everyone likes to be recognized and seen, I was no exception. I manipulated the women I was with because I wanted love and attention. I was the perfect boyfriend. Love and attention met self worth and sex. The two things I wanted but didn't have to ask for (for the most part) because they were being offered to me. I am not saying everything was a manipulation because I did want to be that nice guy that people thought I was. So I had some very legitimate moments of giving and doing. I could love but I couldn't be loved back honestly because they didn't know the real me. I dictated the relationship.

So as you can see, arrogance and pride have been with me all my life. The Lord is trying to change that in me and he can change it in you too. The humble heart is what Jesus expects from us, because the humbled heart I believe is the most open to receiving Gods love, and the love of others. The humbled heart learns and grows whereas the arrogant prideful heart doesn't need to learn and just knows. That doesn't leave room for admitting ones mistakes, learning how to love, being honest to yourself about your own needs and squashes any attempts to ask for help. Asking for something you need isn't bad, getting resentful at not getting it without asking for it is. The verse for today in regards to this is; Luke18:14 Jesus said, "for those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."

It is the humbled heart that opens up the door for God's forgiveness. What is in your inventory that has pride and arrogance attached to it?

My prayers are with you. Jason

Anger: The begining

How do you really sit down and write about a traumatic event in your life that you blamed for so many things later in life. How do you describe the anger that followed at your family, your classmates, your friends, yourself, and your God. I do not know because I am not a professional writer. But I am going to try to tell you what happened and what followed. The thing to keep in mind with the series of things I am going to talk about is, this is not for my Glory or wanting pity. It is about an growing acceptance of sexual addiction, conquering bits and pieces at a time, and growing into a relationship with Jesus Christ who was the son of God and the man who saved us from the very sins we willing and repeatedly committed.

I suffered and still suffer from anger issues. So I searched scripture for what I was trying to say about anger and the following is a passage from James 1:20-21; Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.


So what happened, I was sexually abused as a 6 yr old boy by a baby sitter my mother left me with. I remember not feeling very good that day and Mom found a neighbor who occasionally watched me before. Well it turned out that neighbor had some things to do that day and left me with her boyfriend. I fell asleep on the living room floor and I remember waking up to it happening. The pain, the hands on my mouth, the holding down of my shoulders. The embarrassment. I prefer not to give much more details than that because they aren't important. The important thing is it happened. I passed out from the pain I believe because the next thing I remember was my Mom, my neighbor, and her boyfriend all standing around me in a circle and they were talking about me sleeping all day. I couldn't look at any of them but I looked past them to the other side of the room to a chair. The pain was horrible, when I got up I could feel it into my abdominal region and it was chalked up to "he must have a stomach ache too" seemed like a workable solution at the time, I wasn't going to disagree, I was to embarrassed and too scared to disagree. I had blood spots for a few days in my bowels that I kept quiet. I thought maybe I will die and that would be ok.

That was the day for me that my childhood died. All the rights and privileges of innocence gone, taken by a man I had only seen and never spoken too. I became angry and kept it inside, I stuffed it. A skill that would follow me for many years to come. But my anger started with my Mom of all people. I was angry at her for delivering me to his hands. If she just would of taken the day off and cared for me like I wanted. She couldn't though I know that now, she had to work we were poor. I never showed her I just vented it in different ways and behaviors. Like acting up in school, my citizenship marks were not the greatest. I would fight on the playground or after school. I tattled on my brothers so I felt better if they got in trouble, I started smoking as an act of rebellion, I also started my drinking career at age seven. I just saw how it had taken my Dad away from things and he would sleep or not be able to think straight. I didn't want to be awake or think. So I didn't like the taste so much as the feeling it created. So I started drinking his half drank warm beers and like many kids stealing the sips. I also started stealing at that age. The rush it created and the act of defiance of taking something that wasn't mine helped to. I was angry at my attacker and they by the way moved very shortly thereafter and I felt good about that. Which oddly enough, if I think about it now, is the day I started playing in the back yard again. After it happened I would only play in the driveway and front yard it was safer. But even though it was safer, it wasn't better. I let this really get to me.

Later as life went along and I got older, I remember the anger building and my fighting got worse. I hated my classmates. They had the privilege of innocence and I had the curse of knowledge is how I looked at it. They didn't know anything, they weren't abused like me, try being me for just a second I thought. Oh yes the pity party started early. But as the anger at other kids started, the alienation of my friends began. I wouldn't make any, it was better to be alone. I had a few acquaintances that I hung out with. But they were always at arms length. "If you go away I will be ok" is how I looked at them. They were not my friends not really. I kept that pattern going all the way into my adult life. Maybe the reason I sabotaged all my adult love interests to. I didn't need anyone, accept I tried to make them go away so I could be alone. I didn't wait for them to go, I tried to push them away.

So lets talk about God. I was angry at God for years. I would run to Him and push Him away. I asked where he was, why did it happen, I would need him like I needed my Dad (which he never was really able to be there for me till he went to treatment and got sober) and then be angry at God and yell at him like I did my Dad. He did not go away. God was patient and loved me. He is still here. You can't stop love, God and my wife can tell you I am not an easy guy to love some days.

Anger just consumed me, I would be quick to anger and quick to hidden retaliation. So most bad things that happened, or things were said to me I would just heap on the anger pile. I don't know about you but when my anger manifested itself I would get very tense and adrenaline would just run through me like a raging river. I would sometimes just want to hit or do something to just release the tension in my jaws and arms. My stomach would knot, and I just needed a relief, a vent of sorts. That is when the passive aggressive didn't work, physically I had to get rid of it. Now know this, I NEVER took it out on my spouse or a person it was always objects or vehicles, I would want to hurt something or myself. The other way I used it was I had an excuse and a justification of my sexual acting out. I would get anger relief and hidden justification of being wronged to have an affair, go to a strip club, or hang out in bookstores looking at pornography and engaging in sexual acts with people. I was constantly looking for something to feel better. Thus also started my drug addiction but is another story for another time. Not all my sexual addiction I am blaming on the anger, no it was directed at the abuse, I always thought if I wasn't abused I wouldn't be this way and my life would be different. That was my excuse for having anger. So I stayed mad at this man with a vengeance till just up to about a year and a half or so ago.

Anger is a cover emotion for many other feelings. I would be full of anger some days and someone would ask me how I am. I would say FINE, my treatment center taught me FINE means Feelings Internalized Never Expressed. You are angry sure. But what happened? What things do you think about, and do they need addressed individually? Because my anger covered hurt, depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, boredom, loss, grief, and a plethora of things I did not want to deal with at all. That was my excuse for many years. 31 of them to be exact. Anger didn't cause my sexual addiction, the abuse didn't, I did. I used many different reasons to get me to this point in my life with the sexual addiction. Pray that God open the doors to your past and help you understand your behavior and what may have caused it. It gets better, I am not cured but I am better.

My prayers are with you.
Jason

Rebuilding the road

A little voice in my head always tells me what to do, what's going on, and what is the right. My counselor, a good and Godly man says "that little voice is what we call the Holy Spirit", definition what God has placed of himself within us. I believe that to be true. Today's prompting was true and right and as this message unfolds you will see it to.

Isaiah 57: 14-15, 18: God says," Rebuild the road! Clear away the rocks and stones so that my people can return from captivity" The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy one, says this: "I live in the high and the holy place with those whose spirit is contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of the repentant hearts.....I have seen what they do but will heal them anyway! I will lead them. I will comfort those who mourn."

So what did my part of the Holy Spirit tell me. "Talk about it all! Use my scripture and use your story, but start from the beginning." So with that being said I plan to take you through my life from the begining and talk about what happened and what feelings came from it. I will talk about the anger, depression, feeling alone, separation from my family at an early age, loss of innocence. I will take you through my feelings. So you can see someone else is experiencing the same things and you are not alone. The series I plan is for however long it takes, will I hope, give something you can use or relate to so you can start removing the stones from your road and help you rebuild.

So until tomorrow let me leave you with this prayer: Father in heaven, the spirit inside of us wishes to breaks the chains that bind us to sex and lust and take away from you. May the words we speak and the scripture we use, help us become more like the people you want us to be and the people we yearn to be. We ask for your blessing on this series and those who are directed to this page, break their chains and we ask for restoration in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, amen. We love you.

Truth

Hello everyone (or person) just joking. Tonight my blog consists of some truths. Since my wife and I remarried and we are in the honeymoon phase of making love again; I find myself struggling with some old thought patterns. There is a saying "out with the old and in with the new" that just makes it sound like you are taking a piece of furniture out and simply putting in a new piece in its place. Lets just say that piece of furniture in regards to sex addiction is a couch. Its awkward, its heavy, you have to force it through doorways and occasionally you drop the thing. That is what it has been like for me lately. During sex I have to really concentrate sometimes to appreciate her. I have those old thoughts wanting to reoccur to get me aroused, more fairly stay aroused. It not that she doesn't arouse me because she does, but lets face it my mind has some pretty colorful memories and fantasies in it. Some that I don't know if they really even happened. So there I am forcing the couch through the door. Then boom I drop it and act on whats in my mind and metaphorically drop the damn thing on my foot. Which creates conflict, which creates in a good way a chance for me to grow and her to understand more about me. It's sick and functional at the same time. But with conflict comes pride and ego galloping in to save the day (not very helpful to me anymore but they won't leave). I have to tell them to get the heck out of here I have got it. Sometimes just in time and other times a lot later than it should be. Eventually though they do leave and we or one of us learns something. That is the bedroom. Which is a lot better than what I have experienced before.

Now lets talk about the down time, the alone time. I still struggle with the masturbation issue, and alone time, when it comes to masturbation, can sometimes be like trying to quit smoking. I honestly don't even know why I do it anymore. It hasn't occurred at times of stress, I don't need it to feel better, I don't use it to escape anymore. I just do it. Which creates a negative feeling in me, I get irritable, I feel like garbage, and I get mad at myself. Why do it then you ask? (you may not really be asking but I have to word it that way to creatively get my point across) Because its habit. That's all it really is anymore, just like smoking; a habit hard to quit, I get the uneasiness that starts, the receptors in my brain are crying out for pleasure, I fight it sometimes and that just makes me feel stupid honestly for having to fight such a thing. But I have been doing it for 32 years. So I hate to be alone sometimes, which with my job gives me quite a bit with my wife's schedule and mine. I pray about it, I take it back. Then I do it again and I think seriously? really? Then the bad feelings start. Other times I just simply admit defeat and say I will try again. I hesitate in doing the math on how many times I have done it but lets take a stab at it: I started when I was seven masturbating at home, in the classroom through my pocket if I sat at the back of the class, in the restrooms at school all the way through till my senior year graduation, started working and figuring out places there in my twenties and thirties. Risked a few jobs that way. Nightly when I was single. Then I have been married twice, so at some point with both of them in the same room, separetly of course, but each of them helping, watching or encouraging. Then all the alone times using it for every feeling I ever had at times, being two to three times a day for weeks during my marriages because I used it as an escape, to all the times in the past year and the past days=9327 times (roughly if not more). That is why it is hard to quit. But am working on it. I just really do not feel normal some days with this problem. But I am a sex addict and that is a normal problem. My counselor said so. Bad joke. But again out with old and in with the new, can be done but I just keep dropping the darn couch.

Selfishness, lets talk about it because I want to! I am a selfish natured person at times. Its about me and if I don't want it to be about me, I am sure gonna make it about someone else. Yes selfishness is another problem I am struggling with right now. I don't want to be, I want to be Mr. Compromise and self sacrifice to show that I think out of myself. But it rears its ugly head at the most in opportune times which has caused a great deal of discussion. So day by day as I learn to live in a partnership again I am met with this challenge. Prayers for success in that area for me would be appreciated.

Fitting in, this is the house I used to live in, then I didn't and I was on my own and now I am back and feel like a stranger here sometimes. Its sucks the life right out me some days, and I know I am not a stranger here. I helped remodel the kitchen and bath a couple of years ago, I put in insulation and at one point even helped paint the two front rooms, oh this house is not a stranger to me, but I feel like I don't know it anymore. So that doesn't help the selfishness because it is a defense and protects me from feelings of misplacement. Which causes problems and you know the rest that goes along with that.

Now don't get me wrong, I am living more functional than ever before, my spiritual life is better than ever and I am making positive changes. But I can't fill you with sunshine and portray myself as the best little recovering sex addict story ever. Because its not true. We will face these challenges, we do have to move the couch out the door till we don't drop the darn thing anymore.
Recovery is possible, change is possible, I keep trying and you should to. I have seen the glimpses of better life and lived one from time to time. Day by day it gets better. God will make sure of that if we come to him with an open heart. Believe me I have seen God work in this addiction of mine and it is clear the God of the universe knows my name. He knows yours to, let him in, admit the problems and lets work through getting better together.

My prayers are yours, Jason.

Song of Songs

I was sitting talking to my wife yesterday morning at the kitchen table about our previous night together. She had expressed a concern that made me uneasy but was very helpful. I have worried about becoming one sided with sex again. It appears that was already happening and she was right on with it. Annoying as it is :) she is usually right on with alot of her concerns. So God and I talked about healthy marriage last night. I believe it is ok to share the prayer without breaking any laws about public prayer for being noticed like the bible talks about. But with that disclaimer; I told him that I want a healthy marriage and that I am so tired of sex being about me and the pleasure I can get from a woman. That it warps my mind and contributes to the masturbation problem. That I truly hate this addiction and want it no more. It is a painful disease and I wanted this cup taken from me. Because I do have a true desire to love her in a good way, a Godly way.

So this morning I thought about what am I conveying to her in the bedroom. I am obviously conveying one sidedness. I also know that I am conveying presence with her. But those words are more general and clinical. What does my heart want to say to her when we are making love. So upon prompting to just crack the Bible this morning to work on this message I ran across exactly what I want to say to her and exactly what I want to feel with her. Upon reading it I knew it was what God wanted me to see so I could have a true, visual (cause guys are visual) sense of what my heart wants and needs and wishes to give her. Its is also the most poetic version of love making I have read. The verse I am referring to comes from "The song of songs" written by Solomon. My church told me that this section in some Bibles is called, "the song of Solomon" depending on what Bible you have. This is what it said...

Song of Songs 4: 12-15; You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain. Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices. Fragrant calamus and cinnamon, with all the trees frankincense, myrrh and aloe and every other lovely spice. You are a garden fountain, a well of fresh water streaming down from the mountains.

That is what I want my eyes and touch to say to her. God has given me this woman as a treasure for me to have. I don't want the ugliness to come in and spring up weeds in this Garden. Ugly and annoying weeds that choke the life out of all the beauty in it. Weeds that wither and let the wind blow fragments into the fountain till it just make it look like a dirty swimming pool. That is what sex addiction can do a marriage bed. I want to tend to the garden, I don't want to trample through it. My masturbation clips vines, my fantasies crush petals, my unhealthy desires cloud the living water that is beneath me. To bask in beauty is what I want. I thank God for giving me a visual sense of what my heart was trying to say and what my eyes were trying to reflect.

I hope this helped you to. That bed in your bedroom is where God wants you to lay with your treasure. He wants us to tend to the Garden and appreciate its beauty. So when your mind and your actions start to reflect something bad remember (try very hard to remember) this your partner and that is what he or she deserve from us. I have had lots of problems in that area and I will continue to seek to be there. That is where I want to be with her. The other is just to painful and does to much damage in and out of the bedroom. Which by the way tending the garden is a 24/7 task. I have been reminded lately that love is made throughout the day, not just in the bedroom. But if care is shown throughout the day the bedroom is where you can both bask together at the end of it.

So with that analogy of the Garden being given, just remember as I am going to do my best to remember; just like any flower or plant, if you cut the roots off, it is only pretty for while. Than it will wither and die. My garden did.

My prayers are with you. Jason

Home front

Lets talk about what I am going through. My wife and I went for abstinence before we were married as a way to gain what God wanted for sex between a man and woman. The gift that he talked about in many verses in the Bible was what we were looking to receive so it would mean more. It was very hard but quite a learning tool for me. I learned to focus on her. I had to keep my eyes open while we were kissing so I could focus on her. Shutting my eyes for a long period of time left room for unhealthy fantasy. So that was kinda weird at first but really helped me know it was good what was happening and it was healthy. I actually began to want the gift that God talked about, because if this was good then actual intercourse would be wonderful. Joined together with her in a God sanctioned union took on a whole new meaning and feeling. It wasn't just sex, it was love.

Now don't get me wrong I am not saying I am cured, I am saying I believe I am getting better. The first time we made love on our wedding night, I was nervous. Me with butterflies of all things. But I was. That in its self was strange for me. This was my area of expertise. But wow did the nerves make it better. You would be amazed at how sensitive your nerves are in that state. I say that in the sense that those nerves were so sensitive that she touched my insides when she touched me and that was beautiful. But I had my fears going into it. Was I going to revert back to old ways and old thoughts? Would I demoralize her as I did before to get off? What was going to happen? I really had to concentrate on her and in doing that I received the feelings I talked about earlier in the paragraph. Do I still worry that I will go back to old ways? Of course I do. If I didn't worry about it, I would not be in a very good recovery program. So I continue to take inventory of what happened in bed and try to grow from it.

God provided men and women with a sex drive. He intended it for good, for partnership, for pleasure that a man and woman can share as a very personal gesture toward one another. It was on of his gifts. The love that can be exchanged is a love that is specifically geared toward not being selfish with your actions. It requires giving and respect. Two things that are essential in and out of the bedroom. I have learned alot in the past few months, and hope to continue to grow with her and in my quest for a healthy sexual desire.

So I ask all who read this to pray the following for me and my wife: Father in heaven, bless this couple and keep their minds clean. Help Jason stay focused on his wife and give her all the love and respect she wants and needs. That the love being made between these two honor your original intention for men and women to be together sexually in a healthy partnership. That Jason continue to grow in his recovery and become more the man you want him to be.

Thank you all and Happy New Year!