quitting

In his speech to resign from the Presidency, George Washington said, "Grace is knowing when it is time to leave".

Part of my addiction was the thrill and the danger of overcoming the odds. That the more I did without getting arrested or killed was just fuel to a fire that was starting to burn out of control. I am lucky to be alive today and to tell this story. I remember one night that should of been a red flag to me that it was time to address my growing problem was, I picked up a prostitute that guided me to a "good spot" and upon arrival  reached up and grabbed the keys out of my ignition. I asked what she was doing and demanded them back. She looked at me and said "see that man?", there was a man that appeared on sidewalk, He had a gun pointed directly at the car. She said "give me what you got, and don't make a move, believe me honey he ain't scared to protect me" I lost close to hundred dollars in cash and an expired credit card. She then took my keys and threw them into an abandoned lot where I had to find them in the dark, with only a cigarette lighter and a street light. The situation angered me I spent hours looking for that girl. I called my wife and told her I had a break down on my bus and they are having trouble getting to me right now. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do if I found her, but that anger turned into exhilaration, it was dangerous prowling the streets of the gang neighborhoods. It was a defining moment because then I developed my own set of rules, "we go where I say if you don't like it then there is the door'. I drove around in the late nights looking for my own spots. Reality should of told me I was lucky and that maybe this isn't the best life for me to lead, but like always stupidity beats reason.

There was another time where a prostitute friend of mine, and regular supplier, got me out of a potentially dangerous situation. I was parked in an abandoned gas station with her and gang members entered the lot. She told me stay in the car and do not get out no matter what they say. She  knew these guys and talked the situation down. She told me "it is a good thing I knew you or they would have took your money or worse because this is their area, I didn't think they would bother you if I was in here sorry". Another time I should have realized that I have a problem that could take my life. It was scary but didn't make the impact it should of.

The one situation that did tell me it was time to stop was I was driving home from another night on the streets when this woman appears out of nowhere, jumps into my car at a red light and says "you got to get me out of here he is going to kill me, just go! I will make it worth it!" I did go because the man she was running from burst through the door of the building she must of run out of and fired a shot. I hit the gas and collected my fare. It scared the heck out of me, so naturally being a sex addict what she was offering soothed my nerves. I vowed no more that was the icing on the cake. This life was getting too risky. Yeah I told myself  beating the odds was cool but I really had to examine whether or not I really wanted to risk losing my life. That was the first time I quit. That lasted only a few days. Then I was right back out there, only in a new area. It didn't change, guys sell women, guys protect their investments, drugs are part of the geography of the land and we all know how dangerous the drug world is. Gangs, pimps, and prostitutes who steal from you. Each area offered its own dangers.

I went through years of trying to stop or trying to change behaviors, I always found an "excuse" for acting out. But lets be real, from one sex addict to another, excuses are what keep us in this life. I went to the porn shop because..., I picked her up because..., my wife doesn't do this, that or the other thing... or because she does this... I have a right to action on the side..it will "help" our marriage. These are just a few excuses we use to justify our actions and ones that always helps us feel better. Despite how we feel after we make these excuses we continue to return, whether we quit for a time afterwards or not, we always return because we feel it is our nature and we don't know how to be different. For me loosing my life was no longer a factor, I tried to take my own a couple of times, if someone could do it for me, all the better because the pain, the stress, the guilt, the shame of it all, the pain I caused and saw and the embarrassment that went along with different things being discovered mounted over a period of years. Till I felt hopeless and did not try to quit anymore. I quit quitting. That of course found me in a divorce from my wife, my porn addiction escalated and ended up costing me a couple of thousand more in bank overdrafts, finance charges, and membership fee's to porn sites. I also increased my drinking more than what I was doing before our seperation, so basically I spun out of control again. Until I felt even more hopeless than before, this time I could really feel my spirit starting to die. A life that leads to death is what this is, it is like a cancer that eats away your morals and values until there is nothing left, it kills your spirit. When that happens Satan can pull your strings like a puppet, he has got you where he wants you, desperate, hopeless, lonely, broke, suicidal and he will make his own offers to sow up your eternal destiny with him. Do not fall for it, as long as you are still breathing there is hope and change available to you.

It honestly was not till "Grace" appeared in my life that I was able to make the change needed. I have quit going to the porn shop, I have set some limitations on my computer use and try to evaluate days that I don't think are good for me to be on the Internet, I avoid prostitute areas and bars, I don't go cruising for the lone woman walking at night and offer her a ride. I have been able through prayer, support, counseling, and a love that I gave up and risked not being able to get back, that I can really assess my lifestyle and what is really important to me. Now keep in mind it was through great emotional loss and pain, financial ruin, suicide attempts, treatment, and just an honest evaluation of where I was at and where I could be, and honestly where my soul could end up that brought me to your eyes today. For all of that I am truly grateful. That God loved me enough to be with me through the dark and take me to a light now that fills me. He has given me knowledge of His offer and that of the enemy.

What is the price tag? Dying to myself and be born into a life for Christ. With that comes a responsibility to Him, whom has given me so much. We must sacrifice our own selfish desires and remember life isn't about the sex. Sex is a part of life. We must try to honor Gods intention with our sexuality and quit trying to make it about our kind of sex. Like I have said our type of sex is sin and Jesus died to save us from our choices and offers us repeated chances to change. But in exchange for a gift that is free to everyone we have to honor that gift and treat it as Holy otherwise what is the point in even believing in it? Jesus doesn't want us to take this gift He paid dearly for and treat it as "hey Jesus thats really cool, thanks. I will treasure it always" and then put in the drawer and forget about it, or take it out when company comes. I have come to understand that my choices made a mochary of the Cross, I said I believed but did not act, I asked for help but gave little in return, I judged but did not want to be judged. I was Christian when I wanted to be Christian. Was I a horrible person? I do not believe so, I just wasn't being a responsible child of God. I treated people well and was charitable, but also was very hurtful to people and used them as well for my own gain and comfort. Therefore, my heart couldn't be given to God because it was too divided in other areas. As it is now sometimes. Long story short belief requires responsibility and sacrifice, by no means do I believe anyone is perfect at this, but it's where our hearts desires are that matters. We have to try to be true to God and ourselves and our families. This is where change is possible because it give us purpose to try, but we can't keep the back door open to escape, otherwise we are just spinning our wheels. I found this scripture which is a Charge from God to prove that we have to be true to this gift because there is consequences, whether we like it or not.

Hebrews 10;28-30: For anyone who refused to obey the law of Moses was put to death without mercy on the testimony of just two or three witnesses. Just think how much worse the punishment will be for those who have trampled on the Son of God, and have treated the Blood of the covenant, which made us holy, as if it were common and unholy, and have insulted and disdained the Holy Spirit who brings God's mercy to us. For we know the one who said, " I will take revenge. I will pay them back" He also said, "The Lord will judge His own people".

Maybe you haven't lost enough to want to quit, but let me share one very important, if not crucial bit of information with you. Alcoholics Anonymous has set the bar in recovery because they knew this about the problem, if the thing you have lost or are about to lose, is more important to you than the (in our case sex) then you are ready for recovery. Chew on that and ask yourself, "Is this really worth it or is there something better waiting for me?"

Quitting is the first step, sustaining is the next. God will help you do that, support groups and counselors will help you do that, I will help you do that and you can help me. Together we can beat it and God has His own thing in store for us, we just have to die to ourselves. We only get one shot at this life, we know Sex of our type is sin. If we believe we know the stakes, if you don't believe in God are you sure you are right? Do you really want to risk it? Twenty minutes in your back seat getting pleasure and risking being arrested is nothing compared to twenty minutes in a place that offers no pleasure and no return. So again, are you sure you are right? Let me asure you there is a God and may you find Him now. If you want to find Him but don't know how call  1-800-525-5683 they have people on staff that will help you and answer questions.

Father in Heaven, sometimes our flesh fails and heart aches, we have sought comfort in sexual situations and still we feel as if inside we are dying. To pull ourselves from this torturous life is hard to do as we have tried many times. Father it is my prayer today that for those who still suffer and do not want to, that they find you and successfully walk with you out of this Hell on Earth because with You all things are possible. We pray this in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.