The Other Side

Today's guest writer is a very dear friend and love of my life...my other side if you will.

There have been many times when I would speak to myself or to close friends and family, telling them, "this is not the path I would have chosen (had I known where it was going to lead)". I would say loving a sex addict is one of the hardest things to do, but it's not. Loving an addict is quite easy. They're not much different than you or I. They laugh, they cry, they hurt, they bleed, they get angry, they empathize, and sometimes, they even love you back. But they do these things in their own special way. Until they choose recovery, it is often done in an attempt to manipulate you and life to get what they want and so that they are not taken out of their comfort zone. I say this with the blessing of my love, my sex addict. He will be the first to say that while parts of what he gave me of himself were genuine and as sincere as he was capable of at the time, most things were to manipulate. Ouch! Those are not the words people long to hear being whispered in their ears.

By nature, all addictions are selfish. There is no room for anyone else in them. Any and every outsider to the addiction itself is a threat and therefore, must be protected against. With this in mind, the addict will do many things to self preserve: lie, cheat, sneak, manipulate, commit fraud, cover, and then lie, cheat, sneak, manipulate, commit fraud, and cover some more. An active addict does not pause long enough to look at the other side of their addiction- how it is impacting those around them.

Living on the other side can be horrific. It is the proverbial watching a train wreck and not being able to do anything to stop it. We try to stop it, but we fail. Because we do not comprehend that this disease is a fast moving locomotive that will flatten and disintegrate anything in it's path. We think "I'll scream so loud it will have to stop", or "I'll throw something at it to get it's attention; then it will listen to me and hear that what I'm saying makes sense. Then it will stop", or "I'll just stand in front of it, surely if it loves me, it will stop before it hits me". As we read these sentences and picture ourselves trying to stop a train, we chuckle. "Well the train can't hear you over it's engine", or "Throwing something at it will be as effective at throwing a gnat at it!", or "Who steps in front of a charging locomotive?!". We understand reading this that these ideas are nothing if not more than a bit ridiculous. And yet, how many of us have done this with the addict.
* "HOW COULD YOU SPEND $200 ON PORN?!!!!?" we yell hoping the louder we speak, the more they will hear and stop.

*"That's fine, go ahead and spend your time on the Internet, I'm going to dinner with my friend Kirk/Kathy, that just moved back to town" we say in hopes that this will catch his/her attention and get them to realize what they are doing.

*"I got rid of the computer, cable, and froze all of our bank accounts. Anything you need from now on will have to go through me first. I'm doing this for your own good. We are going to beat this addiction together" and we expect this will solve the problem, but instead we've only created a small speed bump. Any addict worth his weight in gold will find a way to get their fix.

So what do we do when we are watching a disease claim our loved one, destroy our relationships, and create chaos, if we have no way to stop it? We pray.

We pray. First, for ourselves. We pray for God's guidance and to hold us so close we can see and hear nothing else but Him.

Second, we pray for our hearts. That God will not let anger, bitterness, and spite take root in our heart, and that he would allow us to feel what we need in order to heal.

Third, we pray for forgiveness, for ourselves. We must acknowledge areas of sin in our own lives before we can even fathom looking at the sins of others. And healing from sexual addiction, on both sides, is going to require owning up to our own sins, asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness. We can not do that if our own hearts are unclean. God clearly lays this out for us in John 8: 7: "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." In Romans 3:23, we are reminded "we have all sinned and fall short of His glory".

Fourth, we pray that God and His Holy Spirit will guide us through forgiving others, specifically, the sex addict in our life. We are called to love as Christ has loved us, and to forgive as we have been forgiven (Luke 6:37-"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."). But this is not forgiving someone for accidentally bumping into on the elevator, or forgiving someone a harsh tone. This kind of big, life altering, supernatural forgiveness can only come from knowing God's forgiveness for your sins, and asking Him to pass it on through you.

I did not know the man I married. I knew who he wanted me to know him as. I knew him as a loving, gentle, honest, hardworking, generous man who had been divorced for sometime and had a horrible memory. What I didn't know is that I was the other woman. I didn't know he was living with his wife and she just happened to not be home the night he brought me to his apartment for dinner. I didn't know that mere seconds after leaving the side of his hospital bed, his wife was coming in behind me. I didn't know that he knew where all the drug dealers and prostitutes worked because he frequented them; I assumed he was telling me the truth and it was because of his years driving a metro bus and living in the big city. I didn't know he was married for the first 25 months of the 28 months we dated before our wedding day. There were many other painful realizations to come. This, was the other side of his addiction. The part that hurt me. And I was ANGRY!

But God worked in my heart and I have forgiven him. I forgive him for the lies, betrayal, manipulation, behavior, and lack of regard for my well being. He wanted a way out, and God gave him me. Not a path I would have chosen on purpose, but a path I now walk with honor. God knitted me in my mother's womb to be what my love needed. Then, He gave me life experiences to strengthen me and give me what I would need to love. And when I thought He had forsaken me, He gave me hope for a future beyond what I ever asked for. Because He forgave me, because He loved me- I am able to love and forgive from the other side. And I am so glad that's where I am.