Double Life

Today is a day where work is being paid off. I am being given a second chance to do things right. Many have said to me, "it is truley a miracle she is even talking to you and not off with someone else." She herself has said she had a chance to pursue someone different and was tempted to do so. That she was ready to move on. She very well could have and would have been perfectly justified in pursuing another man. However, she held on and waited to see what God was building in a little efficiency apartment in the ghetto side of town. He was building a man with a purpose and teaching me to love Christ, myself and my soon to be wife again. He worked through the day and all through the night. He worked weekends and holidays without fail. His work isn't done and I'm not foolish enough to think it is. But His new creation is ready to be transported to a different facility.

The marriage that I entered into was not presented to the Kingdom honestly. It was not fully disclosed to those close to it. I manipulated my way in and gave limited amounts of information to her so she wouldn't say no to marrying me the first time. She didn't know I was still married during our engagement and didn't know I didn't get divorced from my first wife till 3 months before our scheduled wedding date. There were a lot of things that she was not told, lies that flowed out of my mouth like one big river of deception. As well as not knowing she had a husband living two different lives under one roof. I literally picked my addiction over her sometimes and gave my loyalty to lust instead of my wife. Anger and resentment manifested itself over a period of time and I did everything I could legal and sometimes illegal to make myself feel better.

Now don't get me wrong through it all I loved her dearly. Still do. But my fellow addicts as you know, love to us can be a double edged sword sometimes. It is the one thing that helps us feel normal. To love and be loved. Its natural. However, sometimes when it interfers with our addiction, one side of that sword can cut us deep and cause a major pain and damage. Yet we go out and not only try to fill the emptiness we feel, but also try to numb the pain of confusion, anger, resentment, shame, unworthiness and failure. Then when it is all done or we are fighting not acting out, we rely on the other side of sword to keep us safe and protect us. Yes we want our cake and eat it to. Thats what was so hard about being married before and why I acted out in the ways I did, sometimes I didn't know what side of sword was which. Thats gets confusing at times for me anyway. Sometimes it felt like I was swinging that sword around in the air. Just like the kid playing in the back yard, pretending to be someone he is not.

Double lives are horribly painful and extremly difficult. For me I walked in world I did not feel apart of. The goodness available was not available to me. I felt like a thief for many years that has broke into a heart and stole happiness. To myself, I had an inner battle of knowing who I want to be, who I was deep down and the surface me who was the great pretender. I did experience happiness, I really did. Just somedays as I said, I felt like a thief getting it.

I have had the oppurtunity since I asked Christ to be my savior to sit back and observe life and go after happiness guilt free. For example tonight I was picking up dinner from a little place downtown. I walked out into the chilly, damp night with my hot food in my hands and was just struck right in my heart by what I saw. To many, the Christmas decorations that lined the streets are really nothing. I get that. Not to me tonight though. I witnessed the meanings behind them. These are things that represent family, Love, a time to celebrate God and this is the time of year where children remind us it is ok to beleive in something. That is what those decorations meant to me. I praise God for reminding me these are the good things He offers to me, and wants me to have. That despite my addiction to sex and the sins Lust has caused me to perform, that he still wants it for me and for us all. God gave us Hope, Faith, and Love the three true gifts that we will recieve this year from our God. He wants to keep giving those gifts till we have an abundant supply. Even then he will want us to have more.

Jesus took the beatings for our sins, his blood washed away the evil we have done and caused, and he merely asks we believe in him and repent for our sins. It is by his sacrifice we are saved and will live forever in a Kingdom where all its residents love us and we can love them back. That is a gift that can never be taken away and a debt that we can never repay.

Repentance is not the "R" word, it gets a bad wrap and offends quite a few people. But let us take a look at it differently. Jesus says "Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand" you can find this in the sermon on the mount texts. I dont have my Bible in front of me or I would quote where exactly. But he meant wash yourselfs of sins you have done, not only once but many times. I believe this is meant to keep us from building shame in ourselves which steers us away from the Kingdom and the good it has to offer. The Kingdom is available on Earth. So just like you take a shower everyday and wash away the old dirt from the day before, Jesus wants us to wash away the spiritual dirt on a regular basis. He only asks we try not to get as dirty next time. That is what repentance is all about, its making ourselves clean enough to stand in the presence of God and bring him Glory through our actions that are a result of the Spirit he places within us.

So you see how a double life and not loving honestly can keep you away from His goodness and love. satan thrives on double lives. That son of pickle eater sits backs and thumbs his nose at God himself when he turns someone and ruins another. Just like sheep in a field, satan can heard us torward doing bad and return us to the pasture before the shepard even realizes we wandered off. (I.e. covering your tracks with a loved one). Think about where you at and whether or not you want to live a life filled with good or a double life filled with bad. I know you don't want to, but just know that it is possible to live different. Jesus will help you, support groups will help you, I will help you, Pastors, Priests, counselors, you name it help is available. Don't do it as long as I did, please save yourselfs from that hell. Simply pray the prayer I did or your own version of it, "Jesus be my Savior, I am tired and can't do it anymore. I ask for forgiveness of my sins and ask you to work in life. I believe through you, I can and will be saved, I ask this in your name."

My prayers are with you. Jason.