Confession

I have talked to you about my struggles with this addiction to sex. I have talked about what you may struggle with and what to look for. I have not touched on what I am struggling with right now. See, I wrote this to help others recover from their sexual addiction and to help myself recover from it as well. Sadly, that message was lost because you need to here I am struggling as much as I need to admit it. The last couple of weeks I have thought to myself how can I help others when I am struggling to help myself? My soon to be wife pointed out to me that is when I need to do this the most. She is right. So right that this is a no brainer and I got so caught up in my defeat, that my embarrassment of the problem overshadowed the intent of the blog. So I dropped the ball on you and myself and most importantly God.

So lets talk about my Masturbation problem! I have given so much up to God to help me with this addiction. My porn issues, women in bars, women anywhere for that matter. The fights to stay away from all things that would send me back to that horrible life that I so dearly treasured and hated all these years. However, the one thing I keep giving up and taking back is Masturbation. The earlier blogs talked about this issue and not objectifying the women of the past in "euphoric recall" and I thought to myself, "I believe I found a back door on that one" what if it is about the woman I love and "Love" we made not the "sex" we had. Also what if it was about future "Love making" sessions. Surely that would be ok. I know what your thinking, and your right... it is a cop out and a rationalization that measures up to a full bucket of horse pucky. I can't make it past 3 days right now. I pray about it and ask Him to take away those feelings and I feel confident that He will help me and God does like the true Father he is. However, day 3 rolls around and the thoughts are multiplied and amplified and I touch myself just enough to feel better, then I think I touch just a little more but if I don't have an orgasm then it really wasn't masturbating "fully". It is a lie as much as "oral" isn't really sex because I didn't penetrate her.
Why do you ask is it a problem? Well I am glad I asked that question for you. The answer is I am in limbo right now, everything is up in the air, my life is feeling out of control and that I am just a passenger. Masturbating is familiar to me, its a control thing. Don't get me wrong I am not full of garbage in the things I have shared and the things I have offered to help, because prayer, counsel, meetings, sponsors, phone calls all help; they do. I just haven't utilized them remotely in a helpful way on the third day. So I struggle. I am the living proof it is not a perfect recovery, the world doesn't stop for us to get better, and that the lies we tell ourselves can be outlandish enough that we think we are actually being healthy little addicts.

Be careful with what you think and what you do. I wish to break all the chains that bind me to sexual addiction including this one. The more I stay stuck the longer I am not the full child of God I could be. I will pray for you and would you pray for me?