unmanageable

I was sitting in AA meeting tonight and it was a beginners meeting. Some of the newer ones shared about their lives up to this point and were excited for the future. I listened and listened as each new comer shared their woes and loses. The first step in AA and Sex Addicts anonymous are the same except for one or two key words. The first step for SAA is: We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. How true that is for many us that feel out of control of our own lives because of this addiction to sex. I want to share a little of my recent unmanageability with you so you know what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.

Imagine if you will an efficiency apartment in the ghetto side of town where a man sits alone with his thoughts that consume him about sex and lust. The excitement he feels about being alone with his thoughts uninterrupted by the world, because he shut it out. Then an idea strikes that is the answer to satisfy some of his immediate needs. That man is me. I decided one day that I could afford a computer from a local rental place. I could not of course but did it anyway. My marriage was over, the weather turning colder. That loneliness creeping in, the sense of loss great and the pity party was on. Everyone was invited, alcohol dropped in, depression brought him. Defeat and shame were the life of the party. Stupidity was the guest of honor though. So to entertain everyone I bought an Internet package because of my new roommate "computer". That is when it all unraveled for me. I told myself now I can check my banking, go to some of the movie and tv sites and watch shows online with my streaming Internet service. I thought this would get my mind of things, I can interact with the world without actually going out into it except when I wanted to. So I create an account and I am world wide. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, so I was told. Boy were they were right! I didn't watch shows on line like I thought I would. No my porn addiction was off to the races and the party continued 24/7.

First I started visiting the free porn sites, slowly at first just a few minutes to get a fix. Then it all started getting to me. It wasn't enough, I needed more. My obsessions developed with group sex and urine shots. I started to pay for memberships to certain sites. $1.99 for 3 days! Woo hoo I thought. My control issues developed again with bondage and submission. So I started frequenting those sites. More was needed. Soon I was spending more and more money. My sleep was getting less and I started to eat less. When I did eat it was fast food. Nothing healthy. I lost 15 pounds in a very short period of time. Now keep in mind I only weigh 147 pounds on good day. So you can imagine I couldn't afford to loose anything to begin with. Those three day memberships I either forgot about or paid for the 30 days. But the ones I forgot hit my bank account hard because I wasn't counting on that money being gone. Those sites if you don't cancel the membership will charge you the 30, 60 or 90 days at one time. So to make up for the overdrafts I took out advances and had to pay those back with a fee, and because I had to pay them back, I had to take out more just to survive and pay bills. My financial situation was a wreck.

Then I got addicted to down loading pictures and movies. I wanted my screen saver to run for a long time without repeating. So I went nuts down loading pictures to fill up my screen savers. Then I sat for hours just watching the screen saver feeling prouder the longer it got. Over 1100 pictures filled my computer screen. My goal was accomplished. So I thought, I bought a picture cd you could play on tv and I had it on tv and the computer at the same time. Sex was now my world. My finances were shot, my health was bad. Not to mention my smoking increased. The sickest part of it all was I thought, "this will keep me out of the bars and picking up the skanks" I thought I had found my answer to avoiding promiscuous sex. But my masturbation was out of control. It actually started staying in slight constant pain. So essentially my life spiraled out of control till I couldn't take it anymore.

I got rid of the computer and sought out the elder board of my church for prayer and confession. Something had to change or I was going to lose more than I already lost (and gave up because of this screwed up addictive thinking). The scary part was the drive and obsession. My memory was horrible. They say when you are active in your addiction your memory suffers. I lost entire summer. I didn't remember my town flooded till I was reminded of it. I didn't know times lines with my wifes and I's separation. That is pretty unmanageable I think.

If you are going through this get help. Talk to someone. Pray to God or whatever it is you feel comfortable doing. It will eat you alive other wise. Write me if you want. I just hate to see others going through it when God offers us so much more. He can rebuild you and take away desires. He wants to! From one sex addict to another, I have been to hell. Don't go there to. Change is possible and stopping is in the cards if you want to play them. I takes work and courage. Determination and faith. But it is possible. I am not cured, I am better.