God knows what is best for us

Tonight I discussed a book that I have been very resistant to reading the last few months. It is about Gods plan for us and sexual relations. I had to examine why I was resistant to it. First it is going against the grain for me to think about sex in the terms it talked about it. That God wanted us to enjoy sex for the gift that it really is. For a sex addict of my type Abstinence is the "A" word. Now don't get me wrong, in my spiritual journey I want what God wants for me. But the words in that book ran together for me and I started to get confused and resistant to some of the wordings. My ex wife and soon to be wife again agreed that we would not have sex till we get married. That is when this book entered my life. She said read it and it will help you sort through what God wants for us. I agreed to read it (then did not) but I initially started our no sex agreement because I chose to respect her choice. I didn't necessarily agree with it. But I held back anyway. Now there were and are some very rough nights involved with this choice, especially after kissing for a long time. However, I believe my hard head had a break through recently and I want to share with it.

Tonight I told her that a couple of weeks ago I finally understood what she and God were trying to say and that I wanted it to. Sex for me has always been a means to gain control, feel better, escape, get what was rightly mine from the woman I was with or just be plain animalistic but there was always a reason. I did make love, in my mind though. Because recently I have struggled with "did I ever really make love to my spouse?" Because when I was feeling love, I had to really concentrate sometimes on not making it dirty, although dirty is what excited me and, well, you know, "did the job". So I really questioned whether there was ever a really honest session? There must of been, but you can see with my revelation of what God wants and what I did, that there is some doubt in my mind. But I digress a little. I realized that God wants a union granted by Him to bring him Glory. That the male/female unions were meant to be a wonderful gift of sharing and way to love one another. So I likened it to this: Say you had a favorite singer whose coming to town in six months. That person is your favorite singer, you love her, she sings to your heart and soul and just being in her presence would be awesome and you just really wanted to go to that concert. But in waiting for it, you go to other shows and they aren't quite as good but they give you a little something. So you go from show to show not feeling great afterwards, but you enjoyed it a little, but you never get truly fulfilled with what you were so badly looking forward to. By the time the original concert rolls around it is not the same, it doesn't mean as much. Abstinence gives you the perfect concert. Same scenario, but this time, you avoid all of the "distractions" of these other, lesser shows. You bide your time by listening to the c.d.'s of your singer, prepare as much as you can for that special night, and when it comes- holy cow! What a night! I want that with her. To join physically with her in the presence of a granted union, this actually means something to me. So even though it is completely against my grain to say "NO", I know our wedding night will be of true oneness with her. That is what God wants for us.

I have had promiscuous sex for years and never felt anything afterward except guilt, shame, or pride. I was so far removed from what God wanted and so closely connected to what I wanted. You guys can relate to what I am saying about that, I know you can. This has truly been a test of my resolve and commitment. But my choice now is the choice of Gods way, not just making the choice to respect her choice. I know I am in for something good that can fill my heart and soul. So in that sense maybe I still am a virgin to it.

I have talked with guys and listened to them, and they have listened to me about the guilt and shame that comes along with our addiction. The questions about our eternal destinations, the wreckage of trust, the tears at night from our loved ones, embarrassment we felt and they felt and it is nowhere close to being a gift. Agreed? If not your lying and you know it. Why can't we as sex addicts take control even just once and try to experience that and decide if that is what we want. The spirit within us when seeking a spiritual gift comes alive, it gives us strength and hope. The bible tells us to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. The Church is all who seek and believe. Jesus treasures his followers and loves them all. He is and was very selfless to the Church so that we may stay with him forever. That was on a Global and eternal scale that He was able to do that for millions and millions of people. God asks us to love just one the same way. Can it be done? Sure it can. Do I know how? I am learning and making choices to try. Will it fulfill me? Certainly. Will I grow and change my thinking? I believe it is only natural. Against the grain isn't so bad sometimes. It will grow you and challenge you for the better. The Bible gives us the answer and so will the eyes and touch of your loved one. We can break free. That is a gift worth getting and giving this Holiday season.