Denial

I have no scripture to add to this post except this is God's blog. I pray His words reach you and provide the comfort and support you need at your darkest hours. Let me start with a prayer for us all.

Father in Heaven, we are in conflict with our bodies and minds. For what we know to be right is not easy to do for us. We admit defeat and have decided to recover. Father we ask that your will be done in our lives. We hand over our minds, our ears, our eyes, and most importantly our hearts for you to work in to help us recover from this addiction to sex. The enemies strongholds are great and our earthly will is weak. We seek and ask for your supernatural intervention on our behalf. Father we ask for this help and admit our defeat in the precious name of your Son Jesus Christ. Amen.

Denial is extremely detrimental to a person suffering from sexual addiction. I refused to see that anything was wrong with me for the longest time. I knew I had anger issues,depression,anxiety and other other emotional issues going on. I blamed everyone for everything. They were the reason things were as they were. I was in denial that I had crafted an addiction to sexual behavior because I wanted to escape pain. I wanted to be normal so desperately that I learned to deny at an early age. One of the clues should have been when I gave up a college education to pursue my sexual behaviors. Let me tell you how that came about. When I graduated High School I was granted a full tuition to a community college where I lived. All I had to do was attend. My books and tuition were completely paid for. So I started attending and I had picked up work in the process at a local company making pretty good money for kid of that age. This gave me plenty of money to pursue my activities at local adult book stores. Plus I was able to frequent some of the prostitutes in the area. My sexual cup overfilled. School started to take a back seat. It was the money I wanted. An opportunity arose at my job for me to work more and make much more money. I didn't even think about it; Sure! I could always go back to school. My frequent visits to the bookstores increased, I would spend hours at 18 plus non-alcoholic strip clubs throwing money at these girls. Prostitutes had me as a regular. I saw nothing wrong with this behavior, I was just having fun maybe I was just a little oversexed but whats wrong with that right? I had a box of pornographic magazines and video's that kept getting bigger. Denial was pretty evident as I read this last paragraph.

It seems to me as I look back over the years that I guess I really didn't want to think I had a problem. I felt bad for some of the things I did. I felt the shame and regret that comes along with doing things that you know not to be morally or spiritually right. Yet I couldn't admit I had a problem. Life for me was going in order I thought. I graduated High School, started college, moved away from my parents started my own life. My drinking became worse and so did my addiction to sex. I was asked to leave two homes because of my drinking. Even with that I denied I had a problem. They were just being touchy. But when two people with drinking problems ask you to leave because you drink to much, that's funny and sad at the same time.
Life has been confusing for me. I used alcohol and sex to cover up the fact that I was feeling misplaced. Since childhood I felt I never really fit anyplace, so I would use my imagination to feel like I fit in or I would use it as an escape, so I used my imagination to be a cowboy or rock star using my tennis racket as a guitar and disappear for hours on end. But when I became an adult I used my imagination to be a responsible adult. In my mind there was no difference between me and the guy next door. There was only the difference of I was just "over sexed" but that's all.

I can give so many more examples of denial that I could sit here and write for days on end. But that wouldn't help me to rehash old memories and wouldn't help you. Plain and simple Denial is the art of self misconception. It is us manipulating our own minds to create an existence we can live with. It blinds us to issues we have and creates false issue's in others that are not true and poorly misplaced on them. Step four in the 12 steps requires a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves. Written out our Denial is in black and white. If we don't see the denial clearly evident than we are still in major denial.

Consider what has gone in your life to this point, has it been peaches and cream the whole way? Have people told you that your problem is causing issues? Have you listened and try to correct the situation with taking your responsibility in it into consideration? I haven't, I try now but still suffer from some denial issues. That is where God comes in handy to ask him. Or a support person or your counselor. Is Sex a solution to the problem? Does Sex provide you self worth and importance? Does the idea that you are a sex addict disgust you and you want to distance yourself from that label? Do you hide pornography, women, and bank receipts? Are you admitting you have a problem with sex but it is not as bad as people think? Chances are if other people are telling you have a problem it is already a noticeably bigger issue than what you think. Does your mind tell you that you are just fine? Hint for your mind to tell you that, you already know you are not. You can be like me and deny the problem till you have a trail of victims, poor credit, and a bunch of failed relationships. Or stop denying that I yes I need to seek help. I convinced myself I could beat this on my own. Denial that I was too weak.

I want to share my latest denial with you and then I will shut up. I am having an issue with masturbation still and I asked God what the road block was. My ears didn't open up for days because I was in denial that something was going on that I had to take responsibility for. I thought, "ok I am working a program, talking to people, concentrating on my wife, doing the right things with my job. Life was going in order. So why was it still an issue? Why was it so tough to be alone and white knuckle not doing it? Why was I getting so irritable?" The answer finally came to me once I shut up and opened my ears. "You gave me your heart, but you didn't give me your head. We still have work to do there." That made sense because my Heart holds the love and the desire, my head holds the memories that allow me to recall, my head holds my eyes that allow me to see and get triggered, it holds my ears to hear things that trigger me. It also holds my mouth that over loads itself and causes the issues that masturbation helps alleviate. So I need to give God my head too. When your head and your heart work together, I am coming to realize that is where God's best work can be done.

So in conclusion to this, Give God your Head and your Heart. Don't deny him the chance to work in your life and help you get better. Don't feel like you can't go to God with these things. He already knows us and what we have done, how we feel, what we have been right or wrong about, and knows our hearts and heads better than we do. God loves us, if you are angry at Him talk about why, if you struggle with holding head up in front of Him then humble yourself, it is a private moment. Denying God is the worst denial. If we do that, we are not only denying Him, but ourselves and our loved ones as well.

My prayers are with you. Jason.