God

The following is a personal letter to God- may He hear my heart in it.

Dear God,


I have been running through the different things to say about you in my blog today. I have since deleted what I had because it wasn't what I wanted to say. What I really wanted to tell you is that I am sorry for worshipping the little "g" gods in my past. I know you love me and you care about me, I know you know my name, whats in my heart, how many hairs I have on my head (gray and otherwise), I know you know what my room looks like and despite all my indiscretions you want to know these things. That still amazes me to this day.


This blog project you put me on has been tough, but you knew that the only way I would really see myself was if I wrote it down. That has been some of the best therapy I have received in years. Not that my counselor isn't doing the job, because he really is, thank you for putting him in my life. But this has been a very exhausting yet exhilarating experience all at the same time. Lord it is my hope that those who have happened upon this page have walked away with hope for their own recovery or have discovered strength for something else in their life, addictions or not. That they have seen there is a solution to any problem and that is you. I was reading through some of the posts yesterday and today and what an insane life I have led up to this point. It is a wonder I have come out alive as I shouldn't of been. Yet you felt it better to save me from myself and those that have tried to do me harm over the years.


Over the years that seems like a century rather than the 39 years I have been on this Earth. Father I think about the pain I put my wife and my first wife through. All the lies I have told my wives, my mistresses, the police, my bosses, my parents and brothers, girlfriends, and as stupid as it sounds I think I lied to a dog once. For what purpose? I honestly can't even justify those lies anymore, I can't rationalize the hurt I have caused, I can't even say anything to you about it. You know why, who, where, for what reason, how much, and when each one occurred. My judgement day will more than likely be me standing in front of you saying, "I have no excuse, you are 100% right, I did those things because I was selfish and you weren't even in the picture half the time or more!" But really what does somebody say in that situation? You know everything, there is nothing to hide, you know it all.

Father your child is broken but is mending through your Grace alone. Its your Grace that is allowing me to relive my past with perception. For that I am truly thankful. I have tried to bury the past but that never quite worked out because I am reminded "you have to know where you have been, to know where your at" and where I am at is where you want me to be. Home. Still blows me away I am back here and she is in there sleeping. What even gives me the right? Evidently you do and she does. I am going to take care of her this time. The work you and I did at that little apartment after our divorce still boggles my mind. Once I conceded that you are my one true God and all things good are possible through you, my soul opened the flood gates to truths, experiences, and fears unlike anything I have ever been through. Just amazing man!


I want to touch on the small "g" gods that ran my life for so long. I never worshipped you like I needed to. You represented limitations on my addictions and my other selfish attributes. So I worshipped gods that required of me money, keeping secrets, and a bunch of my time.The abuse and the alcoholic Dad and the alienation of me by my brothers took a toll in the early years. I knew the first time that I had my first liquid orgasm at the "Safeway" grocery store bathroom when I was nine that I wanted more of this and I believe that is when I started to pull away from you. The little Catholic boy with the dirty secret(s) couldn't worship you and it at the same time. I converted to the Church of the Immediate Pleasure because that god brought results in my time, my way, and in my favor. So I shunned you I believe as much as a nine year old boy can anyway. That was the beginning of the Masturbation god.


Then when Porky took me out that night and we saw all the prostitutes I just knew I was going to return. Father you know how much I regret loosing my virginity to the Hispanic hooker on the greasy couch in the back of that small engine shop. I don't even remember her name. I remember the twenty bucks and thinking that's an economical way to have sex, oh yeah I will be back! Insanity nothing but.

God, so many times that I worshipped the neon of the strip clubs and adult book stores. Thank you by the way for saving me from the life that was death. I know other people are going to read this letter to you. I am sure you are ok with that though. But Father how do I even begin to give back to you? I have taken so much. How do I continue with this series of writings and express and demonstrate the pain that I have gone through? How can I illustrate the tears that have fallen at my feet by those close to me because of this sexual addiction? How do I tell them that this life leads to eternal death in a place that wants to devour us last by pleasuring us first? How can I even describe the tortures of mind some days? I know that others can relate, this story needs told for your Glory. This story is everything I have to the very fiber of my soul which is being refreshed by you, the God that I shunned to pursue my own lesser gods of Immediate Pleasure. Father all who are out there engaging in this life I pray for the salvation of Christ to bring them out of it. Hell is real.


You know I started this over a year ago, at your continuous prompting, because my pain inside couldn't stay where it was at. You know that my desire is to help others and try helping you save them from the eternal death, has been very taxing on me. I have been praised, degraded, embarrassed, made to feel less, shunned, ignored, cursed by a couple of people and treated like I have an infectious disease. But your strength brought me through and we are starting to make a difference. Help me Father honor you and please, please, continue to use me as a tool to do your work.

I know I have disappointed you, made you sad, made you glad, and Father I hope I am starting to make you proud, I don't know if that is good or bad thought to make you proud, but it brings me hope and strength. All who need to know, help me try to tell them that salvation and redemption is possible through the blood of Jesus Christ. If we believe, we shall have life everlasting in a place that is the pinnacle of Love, peace, and acceptance. The Kingdom of Heaven is our inheritance to a Godly life. Livining a non Godly life our inheritance is eternal pain and constant horror.


I read the book you gave me to read, "A Divine Revelation of Hell: by Mary K. Baxter" and the words on the page screamed at me to turn my life toward you. I got the very strong impression that the book was a warning to me that eternity in that place was possible. But Father I have to admit the things I read, the exactness of the details and the pain with no escape, literally scared the Hell out of me. Thank you for putting that red flag out to me. I will share that book with others.

In closing, I don't want to close. I want to keep talking to you but I know I have to conclude.
Thank you for Jesus, thank you for my wife, and thank you for redemption.


I love you,
Jason