X-Ray

If you have gotten from A to X then you have a pretty good understanding of what this addiction is and what it can do. You have been asked some pretty tough questions and heard some revealing facts about my life. Your faith has been put to the test as well as your beliefs about yourself and your relationship with God. Now we have to look at what all this means.

In an x-ray the primary goal is to look inside, deep inside, and see what is below the surface. I feel that we as a group know that our addiction is fed by weakness and/or the inability to properly deal with emotions of many sorts, insecurity about our own self worth and our worth to other people, we act out searching for love (real or imagined) just to feel normal if even just for a few minutes. So where does it all come from? Where did it all start? That is where looking deep inside comes from. We have to go back as far as we possibly can and try to figure out where it all started. For me I know the majority of the issues or even just the deciding factor started with my sexual molestation. Yet years of counseling tell me my disconnection started long before I was ever touched. The reason for that is children who grow up in alcoholic homes suffer trauma at early ages and they do not know how to process those feelings correctly. I guess for me I wanted what my friends had, I do remember actually comparing other families to ours when I was kid. I remember the envy at their family and the anger at mine, so searching for something I didn't have may have been a pattern laid into me at a very early age. I know my mom did the best she could with what she had available to her. I do not fault her for that. Mom loves her family and that will never change. But I know now as an adult that there was only so much she could do. The fact that her son was window shopping other families is something she could have not have known. Therefore I think that is where my draw to imagination and fantasy may have started. I imagined what my friends lives were like and what would it be like if I lived there? Now don't get me wrong I love my family very much but I was a kid, I had not even heard the word loyalty yet or even considered that Dad was sick with alcoholism and could get better (which he did, He is now 26 years sober and I am proud of him). But that is why I believe in my adult life I started fantasizing about relationships with other women when my marriage or dating relationship was not going the way I wanted it to.

Besides fantasy, childhood started some other lifetime patterns for me. Patterns like defining what kind of love I wanted, what people who love you would do, things that people who loved you wouldn't say. Things such as these are how I defined my adult relationships. Therefore, I set out to create the perfect relationship by piecing them together with various people. Whether they be real, in a video, or my mind I was getting the things that I felt were needed in my life. The end result was of course an addiction to sexual behavior that required more and more as time went along. Until I was using sex or addictive thinking for everyday life or solving life and relationship problems, even though it is never  the answer to any problem.

In retrospect I believe that time of childhood also created the jealousy issues I have. As I look back, window shopping families left me wanting something I couldn't have. I couldn't just move into their house and be part of their family so that left only fantasy. When things would get bad at my house with arguing, rules, fights or whatever I believe I would become jealous of those families because they were not experiencing the same thing. That jealousy turned to anger after the abuse because I became jealous of the other kids at school and in my neighborhood, because I was absolutely sure none of them ever experienced sexual abuse and I wanted what they had, Ignorance. I just wanted to be a kid like them. Which leads me right to the next level of jealousy, my adult life. Here jealousy takes a turn to possession. Follow me for a second on this, as I pieced together my relationships I had to protect what I had so I wouldn't lose any of it unless I chose to give it up. My jealousy of other men in relationship to the women in my life would get the best of me. Even if they were ex girlfriends that dumped me or if I changed my mind on ones I broke up with, I would stalk them to see if they were with another man and if I found cars parked in the driveway I wouldn't discern whether they were friend or family, they were always another man. Thus, I did some not so nice things in my earlier years. Stupid now as I look at it but jealousy was the controlling force at the time. As for the women that I was with, if I wasn't trying to talk them into having sex with other men, I didn't want them thinking about men or other men trying to get them. My wife can tell you of me holding her close with my arm around her stating non-verbally "SHE IS MINE" even though it was in situations like, "can I take your order?" or maybe it was an old friend of hers who was with their mate. I would even eye every guy we passed walking down the street to make sure that they were absolutely clear on "off the market". Oh yes I can be jealous and possesive at times. I have to think that childhood is where maybe jealousy initially got it's start and that I really need to look at appreciating what I have and not concentrate on what I don't. We all crave something more whether it be in relationships or not. It is when we become jealous of others having something we want that we can start the ball rolling to cover the hurt of not having it, trying to get it from others, or blaming and resenting the person you are with for being the reason we don't have something sexually, physically, emotionally, or relational. Watch where your jealousy takes you but more importantly find out where it is stemming from and talk to someone about that first, before you start acting on the feelings it creates.

Now let us look at my relationship with Christ, deep down. While I am doing that maybe you should examine yours. When I was kid Jesus was a picture in the dining room that was decorated with palms once a year around Easter. He was a guy I heard about in my church service, I knew He was supposed to be God's son and He hung on a cross. That is it. A relationship with Him or God never even occurred to me. I just knew I had to go to church and yeah for the most part I enjoyed it but I would forget it when it was over. It was Sunday too much fun stuff to do. As I got older I began to realize this guy Jesus and His father wanted a little more from me than I was willing to give. I heard how they take care of you and protect you, I began to question why I was not taken care of when I needed it? They asked sacrifice, I wanted all I could get. This was around age 9. I could not follow Him and do what He wanted, when I wanted what He told me I couldn't have to feel better. After some years until right around 1997 I didn't have any interest in a relationship with Christ because I didn't need one. Then an event happened that really made me question my existence as "nothing special" to God. I believe I was visited by an Angel, this story has only been uttered verbally to people a couple of times so here is its debut. I was driving a city bus in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul) and my route was route 21. Now keep in mind this a inner city route that goes through some very heavily populated and economical challenged areas where city transportation is their only means to get around. My story begins 20 minutes after my route began from downtown St.Paul I dropped off the passengers I had and approached a stop that connects two busy routes and fills the bus up usually. That was not the case this night, a Friday night of all nights, usually pretty busy. One man was waiting, he got on paid the fare and introduced himself as Aaron, I didn't give my name back just said "nice to meet you" as we were driving he began to speak and I felt this overwhelming urge to be honest with him about how I was really doing after he asked me about my wife, I was assuming he saw my wedding ring so I didn't think much of it. You see my first wife and I were in a separation, I had a mistress and I just felt horrible and dead inside. Aaron listened to my story and began to cry and said encouraging words of Christ to me. As he spoke those feelings inside melted away as I became mesmerized by the tone of his voice, the words he was saying and his appearance. He was about 6'4'' tall, he was Olive skinned and muscular, I began to wonder who is this guy? Now bear in mind he never knew my name because we didn't wear name tags and I never told him my wife's name. Yet he says to me with tears in eyes and leans over and puts a hand on my arm, "Jason, you and Jessie are going to be fine, you are going to be just fine, I know it." He then told me that this was his stop and I pulled over. I opened the doors, let him out, looked in my mirror to proceed back into traffic, then looked at my passenger mirror to watch him go. As quickly as I let him off he was gone.  There is no other way to explain him knowing Jessie and I's names. I never saw him before and never saw him again. The peace that he instilled in me and the fact that no other people rode that busy route for half an hour on a typically busy Friday night tells me that was something from God. The very next stop had two people waiting and the bus filled quickly after that. Prove to me different and I will believe you. That was my first spiritual acknowledgement of a need for Christ in my life and He has been talking to me ever since. At that point knowing a need for Him and not pursuing it created a definite denial of Him. Yet He never left and kept talking to me and talking to me and talking to me until I ruined my life completely and just said "Ok I hear you and I need you" it was then my counselor/friend helped me take that step to ask Christ into my life and for that I am truly grateful. My relationship with Him now is good, I ask for help, I am prayerful, thankful, needy of Him, and desire to do what I can to honor His sacrifice, appreciate His gifts to me and achieve a good finish with Him getting the glory. So what did Aaron mean when He said "Jessie and you will be fine, you will be just fine, I know it." ? I think this it. I am in a much better place and have rebuilt a marriage to my second wife, and started this little ministry and am overcoming different parts of my addiction and controlling a lot of the urges. As for Jessie, I am sure she is in a much better spot than she was. However, I had to want a relationship with Him and want change inside and have Him fill my heart deep inside. I had to choose Him and He graciously chose me. Where is your relationship with Christ at now? How bad do you want it? What changes inside are you prayerful about?

We have looked deep inside my childhood and how I responded to my life situations, we looked at my relationship with Christ and what He has done and how He loves me. Now you need God to help you take an x-ray of your life to help you move forward. He has the eyes that can see deep inside and guide you along and speak truths you will recognize. Ask Him to x-ray you and figure out where patterns may have started and help you recognize where your patterns changed. That way you have the information you need but most importantly the relationship you need. One with Christ.

Father in Heaven, you have eyes that see deep inside and a voice that speaks only truth. Satan speaks lies to make them sound like truth. We ask that through you thunderous voice we hear the truth about ourselves and our lives. Father help us take the time to learn from mistakes and slow down enough to respond appropriately to life situations. Change is possible through Jesus Christ and honesty with ourselves. We ask Father for your guidance and your love as we transition out of this addiction into recovery. We pray this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

My prayers are with you. Jason.