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Lets talk about what I am going through. My wife and I went for abstinence before we were married as a way to gain what God wanted for sex between a man and woman. The gift that he talked about in many verses in the Bible was what we were looking to receive so it would mean more. It was very hard but quite a learning tool for me. I learned to focus on her. I had to keep my eyes open while we were kissing so I could focus on her. Shutting my eyes for a long period of time left room for unhealthy fantasy. So that was kinda weird at first but really helped me know it was good what was happening and it was healthy. I actually began to want the gift that God talked about, because if this was good then actual intercourse would be wonderful. Joined together with her in a God sanctioned union took on a whole new meaning and feeling. It wasn't just sex, it was love.

Now don't get me wrong I am not saying I am cured, I am saying I believe I am getting better. The first time we made love on our wedding night, I was nervous. Me with butterflies of all things. But I was. That in its self was strange for me. This was my area of expertise. But wow did the nerves make it better. You would be amazed at how sensitive your nerves are in that state. I say that in the sense that those nerves were so sensitive that she touched my insides when she touched me and that was beautiful. But I had my fears going into it. Was I going to revert back to old ways and old thoughts? Would I demoralize her as I did before to get off? What was going to happen? I really had to concentrate on her and in doing that I received the feelings I talked about earlier in the paragraph. Do I still worry that I will go back to old ways? Of course I do. If I didn't worry about it, I would not be in a very good recovery program. So I continue to take inventory of what happened in bed and try to grow from it.

God provided men and women with a sex drive. He intended it for good, for partnership, for pleasure that a man and woman can share as a very personal gesture toward one another. It was on of his gifts. The love that can be exchanged is a love that is specifically geared toward not being selfish with your actions. It requires giving and respect. Two things that are essential in and out of the bedroom. I have learned alot in the past few months, and hope to continue to grow with her and in my quest for a healthy sexual desire.

So I ask all who read this to pray the following for me and my wife: Father in heaven, bless this couple and keep their minds clean. Help Jason stay focused on his wife and give her all the love and respect she wants and needs. That the love being made between these two honor your original intention for men and women to be together sexually in a healthy partnership. That Jason continue to grow in his recovery and become more the man you want him to be.

Thank you all and Happy New Year!