Truth

Hello everyone (or person) just joking. Tonight my blog consists of some truths. Since my wife and I remarried and we are in the honeymoon phase of making love again; I find myself struggling with some old thought patterns. There is a saying "out with the old and in with the new" that just makes it sound like you are taking a piece of furniture out and simply putting in a new piece in its place. Lets just say that piece of furniture in regards to sex addiction is a couch. Its awkward, its heavy, you have to force it through doorways and occasionally you drop the thing. That is what it has been like for me lately. During sex I have to really concentrate sometimes to appreciate her. I have those old thoughts wanting to reoccur to get me aroused, more fairly stay aroused. It not that she doesn't arouse me because she does, but lets face it my mind has some pretty colorful memories and fantasies in it. Some that I don't know if they really even happened. So there I am forcing the couch through the door. Then boom I drop it and act on whats in my mind and metaphorically drop the damn thing on my foot. Which creates conflict, which creates in a good way a chance for me to grow and her to understand more about me. It's sick and functional at the same time. But with conflict comes pride and ego galloping in to save the day (not very helpful to me anymore but they won't leave). I have to tell them to get the heck out of here I have got it. Sometimes just in time and other times a lot later than it should be. Eventually though they do leave and we or one of us learns something. That is the bedroom. Which is a lot better than what I have experienced before.

Now lets talk about the down time, the alone time. I still struggle with the masturbation issue, and alone time, when it comes to masturbation, can sometimes be like trying to quit smoking. I honestly don't even know why I do it anymore. It hasn't occurred at times of stress, I don't need it to feel better, I don't use it to escape anymore. I just do it. Which creates a negative feeling in me, I get irritable, I feel like garbage, and I get mad at myself. Why do it then you ask? (you may not really be asking but I have to word it that way to creatively get my point across) Because its habit. That's all it really is anymore, just like smoking; a habit hard to quit, I get the uneasiness that starts, the receptors in my brain are crying out for pleasure, I fight it sometimes and that just makes me feel stupid honestly for having to fight such a thing. But I have been doing it for 32 years. So I hate to be alone sometimes, which with my job gives me quite a bit with my wife's schedule and mine. I pray about it, I take it back. Then I do it again and I think seriously? really? Then the bad feelings start. Other times I just simply admit defeat and say I will try again. I hesitate in doing the math on how many times I have done it but lets take a stab at it: I started when I was seven masturbating at home, in the classroom through my pocket if I sat at the back of the class, in the restrooms at school all the way through till my senior year graduation, started working and figuring out places there in my twenties and thirties. Risked a few jobs that way. Nightly when I was single. Then I have been married twice, so at some point with both of them in the same room, separetly of course, but each of them helping, watching or encouraging. Then all the alone times using it for every feeling I ever had at times, being two to three times a day for weeks during my marriages because I used it as an escape, to all the times in the past year and the past days=9327 times (roughly if not more). That is why it is hard to quit. But am working on it. I just really do not feel normal some days with this problem. But I am a sex addict and that is a normal problem. My counselor said so. Bad joke. But again out with old and in with the new, can be done but I just keep dropping the darn couch.

Selfishness, lets talk about it because I want to! I am a selfish natured person at times. Its about me and if I don't want it to be about me, I am sure gonna make it about someone else. Yes selfishness is another problem I am struggling with right now. I don't want to be, I want to be Mr. Compromise and self sacrifice to show that I think out of myself. But it rears its ugly head at the most in opportune times which has caused a great deal of discussion. So day by day as I learn to live in a partnership again I am met with this challenge. Prayers for success in that area for me would be appreciated.

Fitting in, this is the house I used to live in, then I didn't and I was on my own and now I am back and feel like a stranger here sometimes. Its sucks the life right out me some days, and I know I am not a stranger here. I helped remodel the kitchen and bath a couple of years ago, I put in insulation and at one point even helped paint the two front rooms, oh this house is not a stranger to me, but I feel like I don't know it anymore. So that doesn't help the selfishness because it is a defense and protects me from feelings of misplacement. Which causes problems and you know the rest that goes along with that.

Now don't get me wrong, I am living more functional than ever before, my spiritual life is better than ever and I am making positive changes. But I can't fill you with sunshine and portray myself as the best little recovering sex addict story ever. Because its not true. We will face these challenges, we do have to move the couch out the door till we don't drop the darn thing anymore.
Recovery is possible, change is possible, I keep trying and you should to. I have seen the glimpses of better life and lived one from time to time. Day by day it gets better. God will make sure of that if we come to him with an open heart. Believe me I have seen God work in this addiction of mine and it is clear the God of the universe knows my name. He knows yours to, let him in, admit the problems and lets work through getting better together.

My prayers are yours, Jason.