Anger: The begining

How do you really sit down and write about a traumatic event in your life that you blamed for so many things later in life. How do you describe the anger that followed at your family, your classmates, your friends, yourself, and your God. I do not know because I am not a professional writer. But I am going to try to tell you what happened and what followed. The thing to keep in mind with the series of things I am going to talk about is, this is not for my Glory or wanting pity. It is about an growing acceptance of sexual addiction, conquering bits and pieces at a time, and growing into a relationship with Jesus Christ who was the son of God and the man who saved us from the very sins we willing and repeatedly committed.

I suffered and still suffer from anger issues. So I searched scripture for what I was trying to say about anger and the following is a passage from James 1:20-21; Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.


So what happened, I was sexually abused as a 6 yr old boy by a baby sitter my mother left me with. I remember not feeling very good that day and Mom found a neighbor who occasionally watched me before. Well it turned out that neighbor had some things to do that day and left me with her boyfriend. I fell asleep on the living room floor and I remember waking up to it happening. The pain, the hands on my mouth, the holding down of my shoulders. The embarrassment. I prefer not to give much more details than that because they aren't important. The important thing is it happened. I passed out from the pain I believe because the next thing I remember was my Mom, my neighbor, and her boyfriend all standing around me in a circle and they were talking about me sleeping all day. I couldn't look at any of them but I looked past them to the other side of the room to a chair. The pain was horrible, when I got up I could feel it into my abdominal region and it was chalked up to "he must have a stomach ache too" seemed like a workable solution at the time, I wasn't going to disagree, I was to embarrassed and too scared to disagree. I had blood spots for a few days in my bowels that I kept quiet. I thought maybe I will die and that would be ok.

That was the day for me that my childhood died. All the rights and privileges of innocence gone, taken by a man I had only seen and never spoken too. I became angry and kept it inside, I stuffed it. A skill that would follow me for many years to come. But my anger started with my Mom of all people. I was angry at her for delivering me to his hands. If she just would of taken the day off and cared for me like I wanted. She couldn't though I know that now, she had to work we were poor. I never showed her I just vented it in different ways and behaviors. Like acting up in school, my citizenship marks were not the greatest. I would fight on the playground or after school. I tattled on my brothers so I felt better if they got in trouble, I started smoking as an act of rebellion, I also started my drinking career at age seven. I just saw how it had taken my Dad away from things and he would sleep or not be able to think straight. I didn't want to be awake or think. So I didn't like the taste so much as the feeling it created. So I started drinking his half drank warm beers and like many kids stealing the sips. I also started stealing at that age. The rush it created and the act of defiance of taking something that wasn't mine helped to. I was angry at my attacker and they by the way moved very shortly thereafter and I felt good about that. Which oddly enough, if I think about it now, is the day I started playing in the back yard again. After it happened I would only play in the driveway and front yard it was safer. But even though it was safer, it wasn't better. I let this really get to me.

Later as life went along and I got older, I remember the anger building and my fighting got worse. I hated my classmates. They had the privilege of innocence and I had the curse of knowledge is how I looked at it. They didn't know anything, they weren't abused like me, try being me for just a second I thought. Oh yes the pity party started early. But as the anger at other kids started, the alienation of my friends began. I wouldn't make any, it was better to be alone. I had a few acquaintances that I hung out with. But they were always at arms length. "If you go away I will be ok" is how I looked at them. They were not my friends not really. I kept that pattern going all the way into my adult life. Maybe the reason I sabotaged all my adult love interests to. I didn't need anyone, accept I tried to make them go away so I could be alone. I didn't wait for them to go, I tried to push them away.

So lets talk about God. I was angry at God for years. I would run to Him and push Him away. I asked where he was, why did it happen, I would need him like I needed my Dad (which he never was really able to be there for me till he went to treatment and got sober) and then be angry at God and yell at him like I did my Dad. He did not go away. God was patient and loved me. He is still here. You can't stop love, God and my wife can tell you I am not an easy guy to love some days.

Anger just consumed me, I would be quick to anger and quick to hidden retaliation. So most bad things that happened, or things were said to me I would just heap on the anger pile. I don't know about you but when my anger manifested itself I would get very tense and adrenaline would just run through me like a raging river. I would sometimes just want to hit or do something to just release the tension in my jaws and arms. My stomach would knot, and I just needed a relief, a vent of sorts. That is when the passive aggressive didn't work, physically I had to get rid of it. Now know this, I NEVER took it out on my spouse or a person it was always objects or vehicles, I would want to hurt something or myself. The other way I used it was I had an excuse and a justification of my sexual acting out. I would get anger relief and hidden justification of being wronged to have an affair, go to a strip club, or hang out in bookstores looking at pornography and engaging in sexual acts with people. I was constantly looking for something to feel better. Thus also started my drug addiction but is another story for another time. Not all my sexual addiction I am blaming on the anger, no it was directed at the abuse, I always thought if I wasn't abused I wouldn't be this way and my life would be different. That was my excuse for having anger. So I stayed mad at this man with a vengeance till just up to about a year and a half or so ago.

Anger is a cover emotion for many other feelings. I would be full of anger some days and someone would ask me how I am. I would say FINE, my treatment center taught me FINE means Feelings Internalized Never Expressed. You are angry sure. But what happened? What things do you think about, and do they need addressed individually? Because my anger covered hurt, depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, boredom, loss, grief, and a plethora of things I did not want to deal with at all. That was my excuse for many years. 31 of them to be exact. Anger didn't cause my sexual addiction, the abuse didn't, I did. I used many different reasons to get me to this point in my life with the sexual addiction. Pray that God open the doors to your past and help you understand your behavior and what may have caused it. It gets better, I am not cured but I am better.

My prayers are with you.
Jason