Arrogance and Pride

Arrogance is the art of being self exalted and pride is its silent partner. These two things are by rights a short coming we have as being a person with a sexual addiction. My pride and arrogance training started early. After the abuse happened and I became inwardly angry with only some pressure released from time to time, I also became a prideful, arrogant, little snot away from the house. I didn't need school so I ditched, I wasn't going to be bullied so I fought, I couldn't afford something I took it, not just for the act of rebellion of doing it but also for the simple fact of I thought I was entitled to it. I felt these people have enough it isn't going to hurt them I have nothing. Notice all the "I"s in last few words. "I" have. That is just an example of my pride and arrogance early. Oh it gets worse, yes it does.

I used pride and arrogance as shield against the world. "Man the life boats! Me first!". I more than likely thought at the time nobody took care of me, I will take care of myself. I put a persona on away from the house; I was cool, I smoked, I didn't rush to school it was going to be there when I got there. I smarted off because who were they talking too like that?! I didn't ask for anything because I didn't need anything from anybody. The other part of that was I don't want to give anything back, or help them. If the truth be told, the world was always a very scary place for me. I didn't know who or when to trust. I learned to count on myself early. I built a fort around myself and raised walls to keep out the hurt. The world just had to exist right along with me not necessarily me being a part of it. That is how I thought, "I am independent of your BS just leave me alone, because look at me: DO I look like I need help?" That is how I functioned. At home it was a different story, I needed to be loved and cared for. I wanted my fathers attention. My memories of childhood with my dad consist of taking rides with him to the liquor store and getting a treat to take home, or riding around with him while he drank and I ate beef jerky and slurped on a grape soda. We were driving around because he wanted to get a couple in before he got home to mom so it didn't look like he was drinking as much. The "belt line": he would get the crazy idea when he was drunk that he would try out his new belts by spanking us as we ran down the hallway. Saying "lets see how this work if you guys act up." The sick part of it was he made it sound like a game and that's how I played with my Dad. A lot of stuff I did with him revolved around him drinking. I could spend some time on all of that, but the sentence would start or end with him drinking. However though, I am proud to say my Father went into recovery and has been sober for 26 years. My mother, I desperately needed her. My anger turned to co-dependency with her, I needed her to take care of me. After the abuse I started getting sick with ear, nose, and throat problems. Psychological I am going to guess, but nonetheless, sick. I loved being taken care of, cooking my soup, getting me 7-up, Mom was paying attention to me. She helped me on my paper route, we talked about grown up stuff sometimes, I felt good with her. I don't know where the anger went with her but I know it stuck around in the shadows for years. My brothers hated me, they told me so, they didn't want to spend time with me. They always tried to ditch me. I remember a baseball game for little league I was going to go to with them, they didn't want me to go but Mom persisted. While I was getting ready they left, I heard the door close; I opened to find them running and looking back. When they spotted me they stopped but I didn't go, I didn't want to be where I wasn't wanted. So its no wonder I wouldn't let the world hurt me, I was already being hurt at home.

Then my life changed. Pride and arrogance met manipulation. A match made in heaven! I could get what I wanted without asking or looking weak, I found a way for it to be offered to me. I just had to lie my butt off. Then I learned manipulation could accomplish a lot of tasks including making the world think I was one person while I lived a completely different life. Which of course brought on shame in my alone time. I wanted to be that well put together, nice, charming individual who people remember as being so nice. But in my mind I wasn't, in my mind I was this sick despicable person who lies, cheats and steals. My outward arrogance got more refined. I took compliments and fed on them for the longest time. Everyone likes to be recognized and seen, I was no exception. I manipulated the women I was with because I wanted love and attention. I was the perfect boyfriend. Love and attention met self worth and sex. The two things I wanted but didn't have to ask for (for the most part) because they were being offered to me. I am not saying everything was a manipulation because I did want to be that nice guy that people thought I was. So I had some very legitimate moments of giving and doing. I could love but I couldn't be loved back honestly because they didn't know the real me. I dictated the relationship.

So as you can see, arrogance and pride have been with me all my life. The Lord is trying to change that in me and he can change it in you too. The humble heart is what Jesus expects from us, because the humbled heart I believe is the most open to receiving Gods love, and the love of others. The humbled heart learns and grows whereas the arrogant prideful heart doesn't need to learn and just knows. That doesn't leave room for admitting ones mistakes, learning how to love, being honest to yourself about your own needs and squashes any attempts to ask for help. Asking for something you need isn't bad, getting resentful at not getting it without asking for it is. The verse for today in regards to this is; Luke18:14 Jesus said, "for those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."

It is the humbled heart that opens up the door for God's forgiveness. What is in your inventory that has pride and arrogance attached to it?

My prayers are with you. Jason