Feeling set apart

I sat in a restaurant today, a beautiful little Italian place. The place was warm and the smells of garlic and spices filled the air. Outside the weather was cold and drizzling. But people sat at their tables with smiles and talking to just talk. I sat and watched all this and was feeling pretty good as I waited for my person to join me. Then this feeling overcame me, that general feeling of dirtiness I get. I felt like an outsider all of a sudden. Like I had this horrible thing that would never be understood and I wouldn't ever be one of those happy bistro people.

Now keep in mind I am not on a pity pot about this. This is a feeling that I have felt for a very long time in movies, church, restaurants, doctors offices, oh I guess anywhere that is not my home. I have gotten used to it popping up. The difference today was I asked myself what is going on? There is not a reason I should feel this way. Why does it happen to me when I am feeling joy in these places? Satan was robbing me and I this time I knew it. So I made it a conscious effort to enjoy the warmth, the old Italian pictures, watching the kid play his hand held video game. I listened to the young 20 something couple talk about the facebook site they were on with their cell phone. I watched the kitchen staff. Then my lunch partner joined me and we were on to different conversation.

This still made me wonder as I sat down to write this. I actually just got back from taking a cigarette break for more reflection. I read one time that Jesus lives outside of time and he can take you back to those exact moments. My counselor is actually trying to do that with me about a block I have from childhood. But the first time I remember having that set apart feeling, other than with my family, was at birthday party in third grade. I walked in their feeling aroused. I wanted to have sex with my host. So I did bump into them "accidentally", stupid things like that for contact. The more that I did that, the more I felt dirty and not normal, "set apart".

This is how satan separates us from each other. He or one of his millions of workers tells us we are not good enough, that we are disgusting people because of our secrets, he amplifies the good in others while pointing out your bad at the same time. No wonder there are anxiety and depression problems in the world. The guys down below are working overtime. Corrupting souls all over the planet. Don't feel set apart, believe me I know its easier said than done or I wouldn't of struggled with it today. But realizing what satans works was doing to me helped me realize that I am a new creation in Christ and the warmth and security he offers makes me worthy enough to be a human being, and be able to enjoy all the little pleasures he gives us. If you read the bible about some of the parties he attended, Christ was the life of the party. He loved community and being apart of dinner situations and just being with people. Their are many stories of this in the bible. He wants us to enjoy each other and be a part of community. Just try and remember, as I am going to try and remember, by ourselves we are no match for satan. With Christ we are safe. As my counselor put it one time, "you may be bothered by satans friends but I want to send you out in the world today with my really big friend". Go with Christ to the movies or dinner or wherever else. As sex addicts we have a lot of reasons to feel set apart from everyone else. We don't have to be. It is not easy and takes conscious effort on our part. But remember Christ likes social situations, call on him and invite him. He will come. He loves his children and being with them.